Posts by Dr. Boli
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
On this day in 1620, the Mayflower set sail from Southampton carrying Pilgrims bound for Virginia. She ended up in Dartmouth. Undaunted, the hardy Pilgrims set sail for Virginia again, and this time ended up in Plymouth (the one in England). A third time they attempted the voyage, and this time they ended up on the rocky shores of New England. As of this date, the Mayflower has not yet reached Virginia.
LETTER TO THE EDITOR.
Sir: You know what I really hate? Trees, that’s what. Everywhere you go, trees. It’s like they just pop up out of the ground when you’re not looking. But I know that can’t be true, so somebody must be going around putting them there.
This is by far the most insidious act of terrorism I have ever heard of. Trees shade our lawns and prevent us from surrounding ourselves with the perfect carpet of even green grass that is every American’s right. They block our access to the sun for solar-power purposes, not that “alternative energy” isn’t another terrorist conspiracy, but if it weren’t that would be bad. They drop branches on our cars and fall down on our power lines, crippling our economy and our ability to watch Guy’s Grocery Games. And in the fall they drop their disgusting leaves that blow all over my grass and clog up my lawn mower.
Are we going to let the Islamofascist tree-terrorists win? Not if I can help it! I’ve made my five-acre plot completely tree-free—just five acres of perfect green grass, each blade exactly the same height. But it’s a lot of work. Even with my best efforts, small trees keep springing up along my side of the fence. I think my neighbor, who is suspiciously swarthy, as if he might have some Islamofascist blood in him, must be sneaking over the fence and planting them. His lot is completely infested with trees except for a small patch around his house. Once I went over to his side with a bow-saw to start getting rid of his infestation for him, but my neighbor also has a Rottweiler named Adolf, and it didn’t go well.
This has gone far enough. We have no choice: open war has been declared against us, and we must be vigilant. Only with the full cooperation of upstanding American citizens can we prevent tree terrorism. The next time you see a tree in a place where you don’t think there was one before, call the police and alert them that terrorist activity has been detected in your area. They will doubtless be pleased to know that a few loyal Americans still care about defending our nation against insidious threats.
—Sincerely, Aristides McGink,
Oakmont.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: My history teacher wants us to write a paper about what the Founding Fathers believed, blah blah blah. I looked it up in Wikipedia, but it’s, like, pages long. Could you summarize it for me? —Sincerely, Megan, Sitting in Mrs. Trump’s Sixth-Period American-History Class Waiting for the Bell to Ring.
Dear Miss: The Founding Fathers were a diverse lot, but they seem to have held certain views in common that they all agreed were fundamental to the foundation of a successful republic.
First of all, political parties were bad. That was one principle on which the Founding Fathers unanimously agreed. They soon divided themselves into two factions that disagreed on every other subject, but they agreed that political parties were bad.
Second, standing armies were bad. The Founding Fathers firmly believed that standing armies begat a host of evils, all of them tending toward tyranny. An army should be mobilized to meet the current emergency, and then disbanded before it could do more harm than good.
Third, we must resist the temptation to meddle in the affairs of other countries. We had plenty of affairs of our own without worrying about anybody else’s.
So those were the Founding Fathers’ principles, and it just goes to show you that they were all a bunch of ignorant goobers who didn’t know the first thing about running a country. Fortunately we outgrew them.
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CUSTOMERS WHO WATCHED ‘CITIZEN KANE’ ALSO WATCHED…
Death Moths of Bethesda. Trees in a prosperous Washington suburb are attacked by literally dozens of moths, some with wingspans approaching three inches.
Gorgon. A shampoo model’s trademark hair becomes progressively more unmanageable.
The Bloody Spork. Horror beyond imagination, or possibly canned tomato soup, lurks under the fluorescent lights of an institutional cafeteria.
The Chipper Chopper. Is there something terribly wrong with the unnaturally cheerful old man who lives at the end of Lavender Lane, or have we all just become hardened cynics who refuse to believe that anyone can be happy all the time without some horrid hidden agenda?
Citizen Kane II: Rosebud’s Revenge. A faceless reporter is the only one who can save Xanadu from a haunted sled on a killing spree.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
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ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: I bought a new refrigerator one week ago today, and this morning I opened the freezer door, and in the back of the freezer there’s this bag of something. I have no idea what. I’m nearly positive I didn’t put it there. It’s a clear plastic bag, for all the good that does me, because what’s inside doesn’t bear any resemblance to any substance I think of as “food.” It’s sort of bluish grey. What is it and how did it get there? —Sincerely, Afraid to Go Into the Kitchen.
Dear Sir or Madam: You seem to be right about on schedule. Scientific investigations, confirmed by a recent metastudy, have shown that it takes a new refrigerator an average of six days to accumulate its first mysterious object or substance. Some of these cryptocryons, as they are technically called in the literature, may take the form of objects or growths in plastic bags; others may be in unmarked plastic tubs or glass jars. The only reasonably satisfactory theory to account for this phenomenon is the one advanced by Aristotle nearly two and a half millennia ago; viz., that, under certain favorable conditions, certain forms of life are spontaneously generated from the materials around them. As for what to do about the mysterious substance, you should probably leave it where it is. As long as it remains frozen, it is not likely to do you any harm. But be wary of power failures.
IN THE NEWS.
COMPUTER VIRUS MAY AFFECT BILLIONS.
Security experts have identified an insidious computer virus that may have infected more than two billion computer users worldwide, according to a statement from the Computer Security Foundation in Forest Hills.
Unlike traditional viruses, which limit their damage to the user’s computer, this newly identified virus uses social-engineering principles to infect the brain of the computer user directly.
The virus, which experts have called the “Internet,” makes use of sophisticated, failure-resistant communications technology and funny cat pictures to steal hours out of every day from unsuspecting victims. According to law-enforcement authorities, criminal gangs then use the stolen hours to accomplish more nefarious deeds than would otherwise be possible in a single rotation of the earth.
The economic impact of the virus is unknown, but security experts warn that the “Internet” may already have absorbed the entire gross national products of several major industrialized nations.
Infected users are advised to go outside and get some fresh air.