Posts by Dr. Boli

COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD.

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The Port Authority has asked us to remind drivers on Bland Street that the streetcar is bigger than you and is not likely to swerve to avoid you. Furthermore, recent labor issues have made many of our professional drivers very grumpy.

The Ladies’ Quilt, Throw, and Afghan Society will be distributing free hand-made blankets to the homeless this coming Saturday at 11 a.m. in the basement of the Senior Center. Any homeless persons in need of a blanket will be given one absolutely free, on the condition that they will take the blanket out of Blandville and go sleep in Dormont or some such place.

The Department of Public Works has run out of road salt, and there is no money in the budget to order more until the fall. Please be especially careful out there, as budget difficulties have also forced the city to cancel its liability insurance.

A community planning meeting will be held Thursday at 7 p.m. to plan the upcoming community planning meeting.

Mrs. Ramp over on Breckenridge Avenue has asked us to remind all pedestrians not to dawdle on the sidewalk in front of her house, as it makes her dog bark, and she does not like it when her dog barks. In case it might serve as some motivation for you all to pick up the pace, she has asked us to point out that her dog is a Great Dane with anger-management issues.

ASK DR. BOLI.

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Commanded by imbeciles.

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Dear Dr. Boli: I was shocked and horrified by a recent news story about the defeat of Her Majesty’s forces by the Zulu nation at the Battle of Isandlwana. Some unscrupulous newsmen have blamed the loss on a number of dutiful quartermasters who refused to distribute ammunition to their fellow soldiers without the proper requisition forms. In this civilized age, with an empire that stretches across the globe, why can the British military not devise a method for providing a suitable number of requisition forms for the Queen’s men? —Sincerely, Colin.

Dear Sir: It may well be true that a lack of requisition forms contributed to the catastrophe. Moving a large army across a wilderness is a delicate logistical balance: one must decide whether to place the dozens of wagons full of paperwork in the vanguard, where they may be most useful in a frontal attack, or in some more protected position, where they may be less accessible, but their valuable contents may be protected from sudden ambush. A wrong decision can lead to disaster; soldiers may defeat the enemy and nevertheless die of thirst if the wagon bearing water requisition forms is lost. The next time you are tempted to sneer at military bureaucrats in “desk jobs,” remember that, in the words of Napoleon, “An army marches on Form 2876-D, Standard Requisition for Combat-Grade Footwear.”

Nevertheless, most historians are agreed that the British defeat at Isandlwana was due in greater part to the shockingly poor sportsmanship of the Zulu army in using superior numbers, intelligence, strategy, and tactics against an enemy known to be commanded by imbeciles. The gentlemanly thing to do would have been to place their own forces under the command of imbeciles as well, so as to make the game altogether even. It is quite all right for enemies to be numerous and even brave, but they ought not to be clever.

ANNOUNCEMENT.

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The Youth Groups of St. Aquila Lutheran Church will be holding a fund-raising talent show Monday evening at 7 p.m. Since Lutheran principles do not allow them to charge money for this event, and since Mrs. Woodstock, the council president, has decided that passing a collection plate would be “tacky,” the young people are hoping that the audience will be engrossed in the doings on stage while acolytes pass among them and pick their pockets. Come see the stars of the future!