Posts by Dr. Boli
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
SECURITY ALERT.
Dr. Boli would like to warn all his readers about rising danger to which they are particularly exposed by their interests and general level of education. He refers, of course, to the increasing level of Kant-related violence worldwide.
The subject actually came up in a recent Guardian article about a poetry-related murder in Russia, which in turn mentioned a recent Kant-related shooting as a similar case. (How poetry-related violence and Kant-related violence are supposed to be similar is anyone’s guess.)
An argument over the theories of 18th century philosopher Immanuel Kant ended in a man being shot in a grocery store in southern Russia.
RIA news agency quoted police in the city of Rostov-on-Don as saying a fight broke out between two men as they argued over Kant, the German author of “Critique of Pure Reason”, without giving details of their debate.
There would be no need for a warning if this were an isolated incident, but (alas!) it is not. As far back as the days of Admiral Hornswoggle, similar Kant-related violence was all too common.
No town ever more deserved the epithet “lawless.” Only the day before we arrived, a man had shot his own brother merely for taking the wrong side in a discussion of Kant’s transcendental unity of apperception. Yet not only did the shooter remain at large, but indeed he shot several more people at his brother’s funeral, on the grounds that, as he put it, he liked to keep in practice. (From “Admiral Hornswoggle in the Old West,” Part 1.)
Since Dr. Boli’s readers are just the sort to have strong opinions on the subject of Kant, they ought to take particular precautions.
1. Never discuss Kant with anyone who is visibly armed or drunk.
2. Never discuss Kant where you may be overheard by someone who is armed or drunk.
3. Never discuss Kant at all.
4. If, in spite of all your precautions, you do become involved in a discussion of Kant, make a mental note of the nearest exits, and keep alert for any sudden movements on the part of the other participants in the discussion.
Kant-related violence has the potential to affect any one of us. If you take reasonable precautions, however, you can reduce the risk to yourself significantly. Take Kant-related violence seriously, and report any instances you may happen to witness to your local metaphysical society.
OUR VALUED CORRESPONDENTS.
Our frequent correspondent “Maypo” writes:
Non sequitur re this post, but pertaining to the new Celebrated Magazine masthead: I see Dr. Boli has moved into the Art Deco age. I hope this does not mean he is now “Modern” in all senses of the word.
For the moment, the masthead changes randomly among eight designs. (You would have figured that out eventually.) Only one of them may be called Art Deco, using a type style Dr. Boli imitated from 1930s letterheads.
Dr. Boli has made no concessions here to “modern” ideas: Art Deco is not modern but moderne, which is almost the exact opposite. “Modern” design values only the functional and eschews all ornament; moderne design insists that the functional must be made artistic before it can show its face in public. Since the first awakenings of the style, Dr. Boli has found himself in sympathy with the Art Deco ideal of finding and embellishing the beauty in modern materials. In fact one might describe Art Deco as the classical design of the machine age, taking its decorative inspiration from the materials available at the time, just as classical design took its original inspiration from the stone, wood, and bronze available to ancient architects.
IN THE NEWS.
A new report from the National Strategic Planning Commission warns that sectarian violence in Afghanistan may be on the verge of spilling over into neighboring Duvetistan, currently an uneasy ally of the United States. “The distinct possibility exists,” the report affirms, “that instability in Duvetistan, and especially in the capital of Polyestribad, could adversely affect that country’s historically friendly relations with America and its allies.” As a precautionary measure, the report recommends drone missions targeting any Duvetistani citizens who dislike Americans.
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FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
ANNOUNCEMENT.
The Procrastinators’ Club New Year’s Party, originally scheduled for this evening, has been rescheduled for February 8. The festivities will begin promptly at 7 p.m., although realistically we understand that most of you probably won’t wander in until at least 8:30 or so.
TONIGHT ON DUMONT.
Jesuits in Space. The continuing adventures of five Jesuit priests and one ancient housekeeper named Mavis as they make their way through the stars. Tonight: An Oberstleutnant from Vatican Space Command arrives to announce that the Society of Jesus is suppressed again, but Mavis chases him back to his shuttle with a broom.
IN THE NEWS.
The terror alert level was briefly raised to magenta after a large crate was found left outside the gates of the Kennedy Space Center in Florida. The only external marking was the words “RETURN TO SENDER” in large stenciled letters. A bomb-disposal unit dispatched to the site found no evidence of explosives and carefully opened the crate, which proved to contain the Spirit Mars Exploration Rover in a well-used condition. NASA has not released a statement to the press, and reporters’ questions have so far been met with “No comment.”
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
On this day in 383, eight-year-old Honorius was named Augustus by his father, Theodosius the Great. Honorius, who assumed complete rule of the West at the age of ten, would go on to be one of the most important rulers in the history of Western civilization: although Gibbon chronicles the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire as a process lasting more than a thousand years, most historians would agree that about 80% of the decline happened under the rule of the Most Excellent and Invincible Honorius, possibly the most vincible emperor in history.