Sir: I write to protest a colossal waste of money. I do not know where the money comes from, or whether it is public or private money; I know only that it is being wasted, and wasting money was a crime in my family when I was growing up, worse than slamming the bathroom door but not quite as bad as painting the cat orange. I am speaking of these so-called “symphony orchestras” that infest nearly every city in the country, and (from what I understand) a good many cities abroad as well.

I picked up a flyer for our local symphony this afternoon, and the first thing I noticed was that the orchestra will be playing Beethoven’s Third Symphony this weekend. Beethoven’s Third! Why, my mother had a perfectly good recording of Bruno Walter and the Columbia Symphony playing Beethoven’s Third more than fifty years ago! What on earth is the use of playing it again?

In fact, I did a bit of research, and I found that only three items on this entire season’s concert schedule have not been recorded. What on earth is the matter with these people? Why are they reinventing the wheel at almost ruinous expense? Why do people flock to these concerts to hear the same thing they could hear at home for a quarter the price? If they must all enjoy the same music together at the same time, that is what we have disk jockeys for. We hear much of the scourge of poverty in our own back yard, but it is no wonder people are poor if they are flushing money down the toilet to buy worthless symphony tickets!

There remains the possibility that the music is performed primarily for the enjoyment of the musicians themselves. If that is the case, the only equitable thing to do is to charge the musicians for the privilege of playing it. Perhaps if they have to shoulder the costs themselves, they will think twice about such extravagances as Bruckner symphonies and stick to some more efficient form of music, like “Pop Goes the Weasel.” ——Sincerely, Doug Morris, CEO, Sony Music Entertainment.

Budget cuts in the mental-health system have forced Community Mental Health Services to close the Blandville office and move staff to Germany. A statement from the organization recommends that former patients think happy thoughts and avoid doing anything stupid.

A number of Mexicans have been observed opening a grocery on Bland Street and selling fresh produce and tacos from a stand in front of the building. Your neighborhood watch suspects them of being terrorists and recommends increased vigilance.

St. Britney Church will be holding its annual Trash and Treasures Sale the first Saturday in November, and is now accepting donations. We are always grateful to donors, but last year a number of you took the first half of the name a little too literally, and we would like to remind you that regular garbage collection happens every week on Thursday morning.

The Port Authority has asked us to remind all residents that the safety islands on Bland Street are for the use of passengers waiting for the Red Line car, not for performance art. There is a perfectly good coffeehouse in Blandville, and there is no need to inconvenience riders.

Hedge-fund investors have filed a class-action lawsuit against the directors of the Steamfitters & Phrenologists Federal Savings Bank, claiming embezzlement, fraud, and misrepresentation in the running of the President’s Hedge Fund. According to the lawsuit, the investors lost every penny of their savings when the entire fund was spent on mature Buxus sempervirens plants for the perimeter of bank president Robert Z. Steamfitters’ estate in Sewickley Heights. In a brief statement to the press, Mr. Steamfitters said that he does not understand how the investors could possibly have been misled.