Posts by Dr. Boli
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION,
Second Series.
Doughnuts. In the nineteenth century, Americans universally ate fresh-picked natural doughnuts; but the artificial “donuts” we see in bakeries today bear only a superficial resemblance to the hollow nuts of the native dough trees of the Allegheny Mountains, which most consumers have probably never even seen except in pictures.
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FASHION HINTS.
It is considered bad form to wear a baseball cap to a funeral unless the deceased is also wearing a baseball cap. Check with relatives before the ceremony.
Mao suits are “in” this fall.
Ladies may obtain the effect of fashionable high-heeled shoes without the inconvenience by means of a judicious use of trompe-l’oeil painting.
If you are a classical musician, remember that the same dress that wins applause at the symphony can get you arrested for soliciting three blocks away.
Before you wear a T-shirt with the logo of a heavy-metal band on it to church, check on line to see whether the band is embarrassingly passé.
If you are considering a tattoo, make sure to remind the artist that you want a design that expresses your own irreducible individuality. Then pick the same tattoo all the other cool kids are getting.
Labor Day is coming up soon, so remember to burn your white shoes, or drop them off at a local public incinerator station.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
ASK DR. BOLI.
My Esteemed Dr. Boli: I write you this message with a glimmer of hope after reading your response about the intellect of Pekinese dogs.
I have an imaginary friend who is completely antisocial. This friend refuses to say anything to me. This situation is just full of unknowns. This friend doesn’t seem to have a name; I don’t know if he’s a she or if she’s a he; or their favorite ice cream flavor. I bought a book of icebreaker activities with imaginary friends but have had no success. Do you have any suggestions? I’m so frustrated! It’s like we’re complete strangers.
Please help. —Sincerely, Slappy.
Dear Sir: You seem to have been diligent in your attempts to attract your imaginary friend’s attention, yet without the desired results; so it is time to ask yourself a serious question. Are you absolutely certain that you are not the imaginary one? It would explain much in your friend’s behavior. Imagine an ordinary citizen in the ordinary suburbs somewhere trying to live an ordinary life, desperately hoping to be accepted by his peers as a normal human being in spite of his hallucinations. Your “icebreakers” may in fact be causing the poor fellow to freeze over all the more. The last thing he wants is for his neighbors to suspect that, even while he seems to be going about his ordinary suburban business of mowing the lawn and washing the car, he sees an imaginary man whom no one else can see standing beside him saying, “Hey! What about pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey? Wanna play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey?”
If this is the case, perhaps your best course would be to ease off on your attempts to make contact and simply accept your friend’s natural reluctance to acknowledge your existence. It will take time, but you can prove to him that you can exist in his imagination without interfering in his real life. There are, after all, worse things friends can do than to sit in companionable silence on a warm summer evening, listening to the cicadas sing their summer song in the maple trees.
THURSDAY LITERARY SOCIETY LECTURE SERIES.
Prof. Crandall Ford, in a lecture entitled “Shakespeare Unmask’d,” will demonstrate that Beaumont and Fletcher wrote all the plays attributed to William Shakespeare, and William Shakespeare wrote all the plays attributed to Beaumont and Fletcher, purely for a lark. Thursday at 7 p.m., Memorial Hall.
Next week, Prof. Melanchthon Crouder will read extracts from his new book, William Shakespeare Was a Miniature Poodle Named Cuthbert.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: I have a lovely Pekinese dog who worships me, or seems to. He often pays close attention to me when I’m talking to him. I think he’s very intelligent. Do you really think he understands what I say? Since I’m such a big fan of yours, I named him “Irving,” short for Mr. Vanderblock-Wheedle. —Sincerely, Astonished in Aspinwall.
Dear Sir or Madam: Your dog does indeed understand much of what you say. For example, when you say, “Good heavens, will that woman next door never stop yammering about her toaster?” a Pekinese understands every word. What the poor little fellow cannot understand is what you mean when you say things like “Pwecious widdle doggy-woggy wannum num-nums?” He is positive that you are talking to him, but you seem to be speaking no earthly language, and he thinks you may be slightly off your head. That look you think of as worship would be better described as puzzled contempt.
ORIGINS OF POPULAR WEDDING CUSTOMS.
The wedding ring. An ancient Germanic superstition, older than recorded history, held that a bride’s finger would fall off on the wedding night if not bound with iron. Gold or silver is now usually substituted for the traditional iron, but the meaning of the gesture is the same.
Throwing shoes. In the days when brides were commonly obtained by abduction from neighboring tribes, it was natural for the relatives of the bride to make use of whatever projectiles came to hand, or to foot, if one may use the expression.
Bridesmaids. These were originally members of the bride’s bodyguard, and still retain the custom of dressing in uniform.
Throwing the garter. Originally the garter held a concealed dagger; with the disappearance of that traditional accessory, the garter itself had to be thrown, and the supposed meaning of the tradition underwent a subtle change.
Tossing rice. Rice began to be substituted in the nineteenth century for the more traditional, but more expensive, buckshot.
Honeymoon. The wedding trip or honeymoon vacation originated in the custom of running like blazes as far as possible away from the angry mob of the bride’s relatives.
FINANCIAL NEWS.
Interest rates continue low this week, as bankers and investors continue to find it hard to get enthusiastic about money.
It was revealed today that the secret consortium of investors who finagled the leveraged buyout of the Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co., Inc., last week was made up of the previous owners of the company, each of whom thought he was putting something over on all the others. The SEC is investigating.
The Brenneman Food Service and Industrial Solvents Corp. has increased its quarterly dividend from 2¢ to 2¼¢ following an unusually strong quarter for lard.
KTL Industries shares plummeted this morning after leaked documents revealed that the company manufactures no goods and provides no services. A KTL spokesman said that the company’s business model was “still in the conceptual stage.”
Stock prices fell across the board this afternoon as the entire basis of the capitalist economy was revealed to be fictional. The Dow fell nearly 7 points before rallying to close down 3 points from yesterday.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
