Posts by Dr. Boli
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: My English teacher says that William Shakespeare was hired to revise the Psalms in the King James Bible. She says we know this because Psalm 46 has the words “shake” and “spear” in it, and because “William Shakespeare” is an anagram for “Here was I, like a psalm.” I told my English teacher I think she’s a few curls short of a wig. But what do you think? —Sincerely, Sarah, Mrs. Choke’s Tenth-Grade English Class (written during detention).
Dear Madam: “William Shakespeare” is also an anagram for “Wipe malaria shekels,” which proves that the immortal bard was behind the introduction of quinine into Palestine. “A whelk pier’s malaise” proves that Shakespeare is to blame for the decline of the shellfish industry. “Awake! Shale imperils!” has a stark warning for us all about fracking. “Kill me, aphasia sewer”—well, Dr. Boli is sure he doesn’t have to tell you what that means. In other words, Dr. Boli thinks you were probably right about your English teacher’s wig. But it is not polite to challenge your teacher in class. The polite thing to do is to allow your English teacher to propagate falsehood unchallenged, and then, ten years later, write a snarky coming-of-age novel about it.
Incidentally, the Geneva Bible, which was published four years before Shakespeare was born (Dr. Boli has a facsimile on his lap right now), also translates those same Hebrew words as “shake” and “speare.” This proves that William Shakespeare was also the inventor of the time machine.
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ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Last night I was in a certain chain restaurant where you place your order for blandly mediocre food at the counter, and the teenage clerk asked, “Can I have a first name for the order?” All sorts of possible responses flitted through my head (such as “I don’t know—can you?” and “No”), but I ended up just giving her my first name. I understand that they ask for first names because last names are often difficult to pronounce (mine is Brown). Still, I don’t really like this whole culture of nobody having last names anymore, and I don’t really like some fourteen-year-old addressing me by my first name. What should I have done? —Sincerely, Mrs. Brown.
Dear Madam: Dr. Boli also objects to being addressed by his first name by strangers who are less than a tenth of his age. But you will notice that the establishment you visited—and this is commonly the case—did not ask you for your first name. The exact words you quoted were “Can I have a first name for the order?” And since it is your order, you may in good conscience name it anything you like. The next time a clerk asks you for a first name for the order, have an interesting name ready, such as “Ashshurbanipal” or “Mioquacoonacaw.” Speak it clearly and distinctly, ending with the sort of icy smile that says, “I dare you to make fun of my name.” If you can persuade enough of your neighbors to do the same, the management may reconsider its policy of asking for first names for orders.
EVEN MORE BUMPER STICKERS.
The Japanese language has the haiku to express small but profound observations and delicate shades of feeling. The English-speaking world, or perhaps one should say the American-speaking world, has the bumper sticker. Click on the image to download a PDF file.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
LAST WORDS OF NOTABLE FIGURES.
“Don’t publish it till you’ve livened it up with some jokes.” —Thomas Aquinas, author of the Summa Theologica.
“Because I could not stop for death,
He kindly stopped for me,
And something something tumty tum,
I’ll fill the rest in later.” —Emily Dickinson, poet.
“I showed them, didn’t I?” —Richard M. Nixon, former president.
“Don’t forget to put the cat out. She has been on fire for some time now.” —Samuel Johnson, lexicographer.
“What, you didn’t like cake?” —Marie Antoinette, queen of France.
“I wonder why they call this a keystone.” —Magnus Schiff, founder, Schiff Demolition Services, Inc.
“I’d like a second opinion.” —Samuel Hahnemann, discoverer of homeopathy.
“I have a speech for this melancholy occasion that I have been preparing for more than forty years. It goes like this.” —Daniel Webster, senator.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
NERGAL-SHAREZER THE RABMAG INTERPRETS YOUR DREAMS.
Dear Mr. the Rabmag: Last night I dreamt that I was at work, except that the place where I worked was like this big one-room schoolhouse where we all had piles of construction paper and blunt scissors, and I remember the smell of paste hanging heavy in the air. The weather outside was bad, and I looked up and saw a big, angry tornado heading for us. So I started to herd people into the basement, where there were smaller classrooms also filled with construction paper and blunt scissors. And then my boss was there, and he had the Mona Lisa in his house next door—not the real painting, but the prop that had been used in the movie, and in the dream everybody knew what movie that was—and he told me to go get it from his house and bring it back to the schoolhouse basement where it would be safe. And I said, “Like heck I will! There’s a tornado out there.” And that’s all I remember. What do you think it means? —Sincerely, Ronald F. X. Ronaldson, Spring Hill.
Dear sir: It means you’re fired unless I see that painting right here in front of me in about two seconds, Ronaldson. I don’t care if it’s Noah’s Flood out there. —Oh, sorry. Sometimes we find ourselves channeling, and we don’t quite know what we’re saying. What were we talking about again?
COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD.
St. Britney Parish invites the entire community to the annual St. Britney Summer Blast, featuring gambling, booze, and gluttony to your heart’s content. Commit your sins, confess them, and receive absolution in one handy location! Or, for our separated brethren from the Lutheran, Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian churches in the neighborhood, just dig your hole deeper.
City police would like to remind the community that crime can affect any one of us at any time. If you have any valuables at home, you are invited to register them with the District 19 police station, specifying the items, their value, and their exact locations in your house, including any combinations or other locking mechanisms needed to gain access to them, so that police will be able to protect them efficiently in the event of an emergency.
The next Community Adopt-a-Rhinoceros Day will be held at the Food Festival supermarket Saturday from 9 a.m. to noon. Last month’s Adopt-a-Rhinoceros Day was not quite as successful as we had hoped. Won’t you please consider opening your home to an animal in need?
The 1400 block of Bland Street will be closed Friday for resurfacing. It will also be closed next Tuesday for repairs to the low-bidding contractor’s resurfacing.
Children’s Story Time is every Tuesday from 3:30 to 4:30 at the Blandville Branch Library. This month we are reading Finnegans Wake by James Joyce, the well-known juvenile writer.