Posts by Dr. Boli
DR. BOLI’S CALENDAR FOR 2012.
THERE IS NO month that’s rhymier than June:
In fact, it sometimes seems that every tune
Has lyrics where some goon croons to the moon
In June while swooning by the blue lagoon.
How fortunate that even a baboon
Can write a song about the month of June!
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HOW TO BE FUNNY.
TRY BEING SARCASTIC, because it’s not like anyone in your audience has ever heard anyone being sarcastic before.
Shout. Any statement becomes witty if it is shouted in a loud voice. Try it with the streetcar timetable.
Humor arises from the unexpected. If your audience is not laughing, try sending a confederate to sneak up behind them and beat them with sticks.
Speaking of the unexpected, here’s a tip from the pros: Vulgar language per se is always funny, because no one ever expects to hear it from the mouth of a comedian.
Consider flatulence. The mere fact that human beings have digestive processes has been entertaining audiences since Aristophanes, and there is no indication that it will ever stop entertaining them.
Remember that women think this way, but men think that way. You can build a career as a comedian on this simple observation.
Mention a figure from popular culture, such as a prominent reality-show contestant. It is not necessary to fabricate a joke or witticism on the subject: it is sufficient merely to mention the name.
If you belong to an ethnic minority, congratulations! You are already funny, and need only exaggerate the majority’s stereotyped impressions of your ethnic group’s speech patterns and character flaws.
Pay attention to trends in humor. What was funny ten years ago is still funny today…NOT.
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DIRE PREDICTIONS.
SCIENTISTS NOW BELIEVE, based on the latest astronomical observations, that the end of the world will come at precisely the most inconvenient time.
China will soon surpass the United States in number of inert citizens watching game shows on television.
The number of radio receivers is rapidly increasing in the developing world, and scientists estimate that they will have sucked up all the radio waves by 2019.
If the human population continues to expand, future settlers may be forced to repopulate Detroit or Youngstown.
At the current rate of depletion, the Internet will run out of cat pictures by 2027.
When we run out of coal, Santa Claus may be forced to bring uranium ore to naughty children.
If transit ridership continues to increase, the federal government will be forced to support the automobile industry by buying luxury SUVs for intransigent transit riders, at enormous cost to the taxpayer.
By the time you finish reading this article, the future you dread will have already begun.
IN ENTERTAINMENT NEWS.
THE FOLGER SHAKESPEARE Library has announced a new project called “Shakespeare Rebooted,” which will bring Shakespeare up to contemporary standards of storytelling. The project aims to provide a new timeline for the Shakespearean universe that will place all of Shakespeare’s characters in a consistent world. The first production is a Hamlet prequel entitled Aye, Claudius!, which will reveal the tragic origin story of the “Claudius” supervillain character.
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ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
ON THIS DAY in 1962, a fire began in an abandoned coal mine under the borough of Centralia, Penna. Fifty years later, it is still burning, and the town has been condemned and mostly abandoned. The ten remaining residents, however, still maintain a functioning borough government, which supports itself by offering tours of the site in which “extreme tourists” are guided through the steaming sinkholes, jagged smoking ditches, and fiery pits by a dead Roman poet of their choice.
PEOPLE IN THE NEWS.
PROMINENT SOCIETY SPINSTER and philanthropist Miss Alida Fortescue-Montague-Finch made a very moving speech at last night’s charity ball in support of the Fortescue-Montague-Finch Foundation, a charity founded by her father that provides inner-city youths with proper cummerbunds and waistcoats in an effort to keep them “off the streets.” Miss Fortescue-Montague-Finch told the story of a young man who formerly spent his days among the very dregs of society, but made a complete reformation when he received a black paisley waistcoat from the Foundation, and has now established a “waltz gang” for at-risk youth that meets at his local community meth lab. Thirty-two cummerbunds and eighteen waistcoats were collected at last night’s ball, nearly equaling the record of thirty-four cummerbunds and seventeen waistcoats set back in 1963.
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