Posts by Dr. Boli
DR. BOLI’S ELEMENTARY READER.
No. 2.—The Teacher of Useful Accomplishments.
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This man is Mr. Clark—
Mark Clark—
A gay young spark
Who likes to bark.
Hark!
Hark unto the bark
Of Mark.
Just for a lark,
When it gets dark,
Ask Mark
(Or, rather, Mr. Clark)
To teach you how to bark
Like Mark.
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SCIENCE EXPERIMENTS YOU CAN DO AT HOME.
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Experiment 1.
Hold a banana in your hand about four feet above the floor. Let go of the banana. What happens to the banana? Does it hit the floor?
Now hold another banana in your hand about an inch above a wooden table. Let go of the banana. What happens to the banana? Does it hit the floor?
What this experiment proves: Wood has antigravitational properties.
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Experiment 2.
Pour some water into a glass. What happens to the water? Does it stay in the glass?
Now turn the glass upside-down. What happens to the water? Does it stay in the glass?
What this experiment proves: Glass is a capricious substance and is not to be trusted.
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Experiment 3.
Dial 9-1-1, ask for the paramedics, and tell them you think you are having a heart attack. Time how long it takes them to arrive.
Now dial 9-1-1, ask for the paramedics, and tell them you have a mild cold. Time how long it takes them to arrive.
What this experiment proves: Your local paramedics are lazy, inefficient, and judgmental.
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Experiment 4.
Soak an old shirt in kerosene. Is the shirt on fire?
Now touch a lighted match to the kerosene-soaked shirt. Is the shirt on fire?
What this experiment proves: You should always have a fire extinguisher handy when you are performing science experiments at home. Also, you probably should not have annoyed the paramedics in Experiment 3.
BUMPER STICKERS.
DR. BOLI HAS come to the conclusion that the bumper sticker is a kind of formal poetry, the American equivalent of haiku. He therefore counts his own contributions to the art among his poetic works, which will be released posthumously in thirty-four volumes.
Click on the image to download a PDF file, which may be enlarged to any arbitrary size without loss of resolution.
OUR VALUED CORRESPONDENTS.
IN REFERENCE TO the article Dear Web User, frequent correspondent Martin the Mess writes:
What if we don’t have any bank accounts due to our frustration with the ridiculous level of low-activity fees they charge these days? While I’m perfectly willing to loan my money to a bank at zero interest for prolonged periods of time, provided I can theoretically get it back at a moment’s notice, I categorically refuse to pay them for this privilege.
Recognizing the difficulty this reader and many others in his position face, Dr. Boli has attacked the problem by opening a bank of his own, the Boli Deposit Bank, which guarantees never to charge low-activity fees for any account as long as the bank is in existence. You, the depositor, simply hand your money to Dr. Boli, and he takes it, without charging you a cent.
It should be noted that, as this is a deposit bank, the withdrawal feature is not currently offered on accounts, although it may be possible to include that service at some time in the indefinite future.
DEAR WEB USER.
Dear Web User: It has come to our attention that your Web account information may be out of date. In order to continue to provide you with the high quality of service to which you have become accustomed, it will be necessary for you to re-enter your account information. Please fill out the form below:
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Your full name:
Your mother’s maiden name:
Your Social Security number (for security purposes only):
Your ISP username:
Your ISP password:
Your email address:
Your email password:
Your bank routing number:
Your bank account number (this helps us identify that it is really you and protect you from fraud):
Checking or savings?
—
Please print this form, fill it out, and mail it to this address:
Web User Services
Solitary Confinement
Dnipropetrovsk Oblast Correctional Facility
Kryvyi Rih
Dnipropetrovsk Oblast
Ukraine
Thank you very much for your cooperation, and we look forward to serving you in the future.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
ON THIS DAY in 538, Justinian’s general Belisarius finally returned the city of Rome to the direct control of the Roman Empire after 62 years in barbarian hands, and the citizens of Rome learned by intimate experience the truth of that old saying, “Be careful what you wish for.”
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From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION,
Second Series.
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Tea. In ancient China, tea connoisseurs who had offended the Emperor were subjected to a particularly cruel torture in which they were offered tea by beautiful and perfectly poised serving-girls, only to discover that the tea they had been offered was Raspberry Lemonade or Blueberry Bliss flavor.
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