CITY POLICE HAVE made an arrest in the Bud’s Barber Shoppe case. Mr. Josiah Smudge, 78, of Blandville, was arrested and charged with aggravated rock-throwing. According to neighbors, Mr. Smudge was unhappy with the unevenness of his sideburns and had vowed revenge. A number of teenage punks who had been held overnight have been released, but a police spokesman promised the community that investigators would find something to pin on them eventually.

Balanced. Giving equal weight to truth and falsehood.

Fair. Not actionably libelous.

Feature. A free advertisement for a business or organization run by the publisher’s friend or relative.

Investigative reporting. A news story designed to embarrass one of the publisher’s enemies.

Lead. An irrelevant paragraph inserted at the beginning of a news story to discourage readers from continuing. A classic example of a lead: “Cindy Lang never wanted to be leader of the Pittsburgh chapter of Parents of Murdered Children.”

Lede. An alternate spelling of “lead,” often used by journalists who don’t rede much.

News analysis. A method of filling column inches when all the facts are obscure or unknown.

Objective. 1. Conforming to the writer’s preconceived notion of the facts of the story. —2. Conforming to the copy editor’s preconceived notion of the facts of the story. —3. Conforming to the publisher’s preconceived notion of the facts of the story.

Quote. A short sentence that some public figure might have said if the journalist had been able to hear what he was saying.

Reliable source. A source whose statements are indefinite enough that they cannot be proved false.

Skewed. Demonstrably true, as opposed to balanced.

Sir: I am an idealist, and I am proud of the title. Throughout our history, America has prospered when she has been led by idealists. Or even if she did not prosper, was she not more exalted?

What, then, is it  that makes an idealist? Surely it must be an utter contempt for the mundane and the practical. He who would stoop to pragmatic considerations in lofty matters of government has not an ounce of true patriotism in him.

Yet a mere glance at the departments of the federal government as it is currently constituted suffices to convince me, and I would venture to say any true patriot, that our nation has lost its way since the days of the great idealists who founded it. Defense, Agriculture, Health and Human Services, Transportation, Education, Commerce—these are all very practical things, as far removed from the world of the ideal as they can possibly be.

I call upon our President, who has portrayed himself as an idealist, to live up to the name. I call upon him to eliminate the refuse of pragmatism from the structure of our government, and to substitute a new Cabinet based on the principles of idealism to which he claims to subscribe. I demand a Cabinet-level Department of Proportion, a Department of Aesthetics, a Department of Transcendence, and the various other departments as outlined in my manifesto, which he can read on my Web site at [redacted for security reasons].

It is not too late to save America from the mundane, and to return her to the idealistic principles on which she was founded. But it will take quick action by dedicated men and women who have not been corrupted by experience in practical affairs. I call upon all Americans, but most especially those who have never been able to hold a steady job outside a university, to join me in making America great again.