Posts by Dr. Boli
IN THE NEWS.
HOLIDAY PRANKSTERS WHO planned on celebrating Guy Fawkes Night by blowing up the House of Lords were stymied this evening when they were unable to locate the House of Lords. A Metropolitan Police spokesman told the Dispatch’s London correspondent that the House of Lords actually went missing several years ago, and police have been meaning to look into it but so far have not had the time what with one thing and another. He added that there have been very few public complaints about the disappearance so far, and the Met had determined that police resources would be more judiciously spent in dealing with the loud-party problem in Chelsea.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: It has not escaped notice that many of our youths are re-adopting Victorian norms of dress and other conduct. They call it “steampunk.” What do you say about this remarkable development? Particularly I wish to know, is it a gas? Or will the whole thing just boil over? —Sincerely, C. Simon.
Dear Sir or Madam: It is indeed something of a satire on the mores of our time that the only way young people of today can shock their elders is by dressing properly and speaking with scrupulously correct diction. Some of them have gone so far as to study and practice the norms of social etiquette. Dr. Boli understands that these things are intended only to shock and annoy us; but he prefers to judge our young people by their fruits, and finds the “steampunk” fashion particularly fruity. It is a strange sensation to look on these well-dressed, well-behaved young men and women—something rather like waking up from an enormously destructive hurricane to find that a pile of unsorted lumber has been blown together into a tolerably attractive house. If sometimes the details need a little polishing up, one is nevertheless astonished at how much of the work is already done.
So much for the “steampunk” fashion of today. As to the question of its permanence, Dr. Boli regrets to say that it is only a fad, and as such must vanish, like the fads for crinoline or raccoon coats that Dr. Boli has watched come and go. The children of the “steampunk” generation will have to resort to still more radical ways of shocking their elders, such as driving within the speed limit or not getting tattoos.
CELEBRITY GOSSIP.
THE TENTH STREET bridge last night was once again the setting for the filming of the movie One Shot, starring Tom Cruise in blackface as famous Courier photographer Teenie “One Shot” Harris. This is Mr. Cruise’s first blackface role, but insiders on the set say he has shown a natural talent for the technique. Mr. Morgan Freeman was also on the set yesterday, playing the great Pittsburgh mayor David Lawrence. By a curious coincidence, this is also Mr. Freeman’s first whiteface role.
LETTER TO THE EDITOR.
Sir: With important elections coming up, the time has come for us to speak plainly about the current economic state of our country. We who are charged with the management of the great corporations on which the prosperity of the entire nation depends are privileged, perhaps, to see a little farther and a little more clearly than the great mass of ordinary people who merely live from day to day. It is quite clear from our perspective that the entitlements and luxuries of the boom years, which we had come to take for granted, can no longer be maintained. Painful sacrifices must be made. And when I say that sacrifices must be made, I wish it to be understood quite unambiguously that they must be made by other people. I have no intention of reducing my own personal income, and I believe I can say the same with perfect confidence for nine out of ten of my brother executives. There can be no question of our making sacrifices.
But since profits have fallen, the shortfall must be made up somehow, and I shall have no other choice than to lay off several thousand employees, who will thus be thrown off the tax rolls and onto the welfare rolls. Clearly this will necessitate further reductions in government services consumed by the poor;—the more so since my own company may soon be forced to accept a government bailout in order to maintain the current level of executive salaries, in addition to the bonuses we shall have earned by our decisive action in radically pruning the payroll. I urge all truly sensible voters, therefore, to keep these things in mind in the upcoming election for Registrar of Deeds, and to make the responsible choice accordingly.
Sincerely,
J. Rutherford Pinckney,
President,
Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co., Inc.
UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA.
IN SPITE OF decades of experimentation and research, electrical engineers have never succeeded in explaining how fluorescent lights work.
The famous Old Trothless geyser outside Battered Spoon, Wyoming, has never erupted once in recorded history.
Mr. Regis T. Quandary, a regular Friday-night patron at Krzrnpski’s Tavern on the South Side, has observed numerous incidents of bilocation among other patrons at the bar, but scientists so far have refused to take his testimony seriously.
In the middle 1970s, thousands of apparently healthy people began to care for small stones as if they were domestic pets, even training them to obey commands like “stay” and “sit.” To this day no cause has been assigned to what some have described as the largest mass delusion in modern history.
During the appearance of Halley’s Comet in 1835, all the sweet corn in Lebanon County, Penna., suddenly turned yellow. Until that time all varieties of sweet corn had been white; the famous “Yellow Comet Corn” is the ancestor of all our yellow varieties.
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FAMOUS SPEECHES.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN WROTE the Gettysburg Address on the back of an envelope.
George Washington wrote his Farewell Address inside a humorous retirement card he had received from Robert Morris.
Pericles hurriedly spelled out his Funeral Oration with Scrabble tiles.
William Jennings Bryan engraved his famous “Cross of Gold” speech on a nine-foot gilt cross, which was exhibited for years afterwards as a Barnum and Bailey sideshow.
Cicero scrawled “Quousque tandem abutere Catilina patientia nostra” in white paint on the side of an aqueduct. He was fined 15 sesterces for vandalism and ordered to perform 25 hours of community service.
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BENTLEY’S BAR & GRILL in Homestead is offering a $50 reward for information leading to the apprehension of the vandals who keep filling the men’s room with cinnamon whipped cream. It was funny the first time, but this is getting ridiculous.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
ON THIS DAY in 1969, the Internet began its operation. Yet it was not until nearly 38 years later, in 2007, that the Internet was robust and reliable enough to achieve its ultimate goal, which was nothing short of an electronic edition of Dr. Boli’s Celebrated Magazine.
A LETTER
From the Tri-Borough Home Loan Association.
—
“Brutus”
152 Brake Street
Wilmerding, Penna.
Dear Mr. Brutus:
It has come to our attention that you are a dog. Under those circumstances, we believe it is in the best interest both of our Association and of you yourself that we should withdraw the offer we made to you in our previous correspondence. The “Make-a-Wish” Home Improvement Loan program is designed primarily for human beings who are homeowners and have built up some equity in their properties. It is not generally suitable for the somewhat different lifestyle of dogs or other domestic animals, who do not accumulate real property in the same way under the laws of this Commonwealth.
Instead, may we interest you in the “Bones & Rags” Equity Loan program? This program is specifically designed to transform the half-chewed toys, old shoes, tennis balls, and sticks you may have accumulated into assets you can draw on to pay for a new doghouse roof, a better collar, or even just a bag of pig ears to chew on. Right now rates on canine equity loans are at an all-time low, so there’s never been a better time to take advantage of this unique opportunity. If you’re interested, stop by our office in Turtle Creek any weekday between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. and ask for Fluffy.
Yours sincerely,
Thaddeus Ramshackle III,
Vice President,
Tri-Borough Home Loan Association.