Posts by Dr. Boli
LINEN AWARENESS DAY.
NOVEMBER 18 IS Linen Awareness Day at the St. Wilbert Specialty Hospital for Iatrogenic Diseases. Come meet Tommy Topsheet and Brünnhilde Blanket in person! Stay for our 3:00 presentation, “Changing Beds, Changing Lives,” in the Whortle Auditorium. And don’t forget to enter to win a week’s supply of clean pillowcases for your entire ward!
‘EYEBALL’ PORTION SIZES.
YOU CAN AVOID the pointless drudgery of weighing everything you eat by comparing portions to common household objects.
Cheese: One ping-pong ball
Sauerkraut: Half a golf club
Water: A small fax machine
Spinach: The carburetor of a 1934 DeSoto Airflow
Butter: One lump of butter
Beef: 1/482 of a cow
Pasta (cooked): A stapler
Fruit Jelly: One of the fruit from which it is made, minus a gross of “falcon” steel pens
Dinner Roll: One dinner roll
Fish: One volume of the 1834 edition of Isaac Disraeli’s Curiosities of Literature
Potato: One hamburger
IN THE NEWS.
RIOTS BROKE OUT in several city neighborhoods today when a procession of Missouri Synod Lutherans celebrating the festival of Justinian the Great, Confessor and Emperor of New Rome, clashed with an unruly crowd of jeering ELCA Lutherans, who do not recognize Justinian as a saint on their calendar. No injuries were reported, but police report that several expensive German cars were keyed.
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NEW FALL LINEUP FROM DUMONT.
DISSATISFIED WITH THE ratings of its old new fall lineup, the Dumont Network has announced an entirely new new fall lineup, featuring several new one-hour dramatic series. “Diversity and variety,” said Mr. Sid Pandarus, director of programming, “are the hallmarks of our new schedule.” Among the new programs scheduled:
Walkies. When city police can’t solve a case by themselves, they turn to Rosina Pym, whose extensive experience as a dog-walker to busy suburbanite families gives her a unique perspective on crime.
The Dadaist. When city police can’t solve a case by themselves, they turn to Marcel de Ballon, a Dadaist poet who keeps babbling until he accidentally spews out the solution to the crime.
The Librarian. When city police can’t solve a case by themselves, they turn to Miss Urquhart, whose intricate knowledge of the Dewey Decimal and Library of Congress cataloguing systems puts every form of information at her fingertips.
Mr. Fins. When city police can’t solve a case by themselves, they rely on Mr. Fins, an Amazon River dolphin who lives at the city aquarium and solves crimes in his spare time.
The Detectives. When a group of amateur detectives from various disciplines can’t solve a case by themselves, they dial 9-1-1 to summon the city police.
WEATHER REPORT.
THIS UNALTERED WEATHER report for Pittsburgh was given by the XFCE “Weather Update” panel plugin:
Weather report for: 99.
Observation station located in 99
Last update: 99.
Temperature
Temperature: 99 °F
Windchill: 99 °F
Description: 99
Dew point: 99 °F
Wind
Speed: 99 mph
Direction: 99
Gusts: 99 mph
UV
Index: 99
Risk: 99
Atmospheric pressure
Pressure: 99 in
State: 99
Sun
Rise: 99
Set: 99
Other
Humidity: 99 %
Visibility: 99 mi
More on weather.com
99
99
99
99
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
EXCELLENCE IN ACTION.
IT IS ALWAYS worth your while to spend a few minutes poking the “Random article” link on the all-knowing Wikipedia. You never know what delightful things you might run across.
From the article “Billy Ryan High School.” Text is available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License; the mascot picture may be under copyright, but Dr. Boli believes that its use here in a small size for the purpose of illustration and criticism falls under “fair use” guidelines. If anyone from Billy Ryan High School objects, however, he will gladly remove this article.
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