Posts by Dr. Boli
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ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: This bottle of hand sanitizer says it kills 99.7% of germs. How does it do that? —Sincerely, Louis “Bubba” Pasteur, Paris, Va.
Dear Sir: The active ingredient in hand sanitizer is alcohol, which makes the germs drunk. Once they are thoroughly intoxicated, many of the germs become belligerent and kill one another in colorful furniture-tossing bar fights; most of the rest grow morose and despondent and hang themselves or throw themselves in front of microscopic subway trains. A few simply become reckless and die in accidents. All this would take days or weeks on the human scale, but at the accelerated pace of microbial life, where an entire life span may be measured in minutes, it all takes place within a few seconds.
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LOST: BROWN DOG. Medium build, about 60 pounds, answers to the name XA-351-B. Last seen near Seven Corners, Virginia, headed northwest along Leesburg Pike. Easily identified by its numerous superfluous legs and top-mounted gun turret. If you see this animal, DO NOT attempt to subdue it yourself. Avoid attracting its attention. Quietly, without making sudden movements, contact the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency in Virginia Square, Arlington, Virginia, and ask to speak to someone from the Canine Genetics Research Department.
Special Note to Residents of Bailey’s Crossroads: Sorry about that.
ANNOUNCEMENT.
EXTRAS ARE REQUIRED for the filming of the new remake of Cocteau’s Le Sang d’un poète, starring Eddie Murphy. Filming will include explosions and a car chase with multiple wrecks. Extras will not be compensated, but survivors will be eligible to purchase one commemorative coffee mug at the discounted price of only $5.95. Apply at the trailer in front of the City-County Building, unless the cops make us move it again.
HELPFUL CULINARY HINTS.
IF NECTARINES ARE unavailable, you may achieve the same effect by taking alternate bites from a peach and a plum.
If you’re looking for variety, substituting salt for the sugar in any recipe will change the character of the finished product considerably.
Don’t waste stale bread. Cut it into even cubes, and then use the cubes and some ordinary white glue to build a breadbox for your fresh bread.
If you have boiling water left over after making tea, it may be frozen and stored indefinitely, and then reheated when you need it to make tea again.
To keep moths from getting into your flour, station armed guards at the entrance to your pantry.
Cheap cheese that has been kept too long and grown mold may be sold as aged blue cheese at a substantial profit.
Dinner guests will be very grateful if you alphabetize your vegetables before serving.
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From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
Superheroes. According to Prof. Wilton Beard of the Classics Department at Duck Hollow University, the superheroes in modern comic books and motion pictures, with their masks, exaggerated gestures, introspective monologues, conflicts with fate and destiny, and lives of inner torment, are in every respect equivalent to the heroes of Greek tragedy, except way dumber.
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
Henry VI. It is a lesser-known fact of English history that Henry VI had VIII wives. One survived him; two died in childbirth; one fell off a horse; one died in the plague; and three are missing and presumed divorced.
POLICE BLOTTER.
BOZAR THE CLOWN and Teenie Sparkle are in custody today after an altercation on the set of Miss Sparkle’s popular children’s television program, Sparkle Park. According to police reports and the accounts of several thousand viewers, Miss Sparkle had just signed off with her trademark closing line, “And remember, children, it’s not what you are, it’s who you are,” when Bozar, who had been the day’s celebrity guest for a segment on the sculpture of Daniel Chester French, asserted that it was not who you are, but what you are. The disagreement quickly escalated, and police were summoned. Children who were in the studio audience are being treated for post-traumatic stress disorder as a precautionary measure.
THE WONDERFULL AUTOMATON.
Continuing the narrative that began here.
Part 35.
—
Letter the Forty-Second:
Sir George Purvis to Miss Amelia Purvis.
My dear Amelia,
’Tis a strange Dungeon I inhabit,—not dug into the Earth, but built up on a Foundation like any other House; not shrouded in Darkness, but filled with Light from tall Windows; not barred and bolted, but open and unlocked. The Shackles that bind me here are not of Iron, but of my own Making; at any Moment I might walk out the Door, and be free;—free, and ruined. The Moment I depart, my Honor is gone: not that any such Thing as true Honor is left to me in my own Soul, but that the Appearance of it still clings to me in the World, where Appearance is more than Truth.
That Suspicion of which I wrote previously is now established Fact; Honoria has deserted me for the eminent Doctor Albertus. —Or rather, she has deserted all Principle, and believes, on the strength of the Doctor’s Arguments, that she is above Principle, and may do as she chooses. She sees no Contradiction, between her Betrothal to me, and her Relation with Doctor Albertus. That I see such a Contradiction, I need not tell you.
Now I shall relate to you, how the World has entrapped me thus, and how the House of Doctor Albertus has become my Prison. —Last Night, we had another of those Demonstrations of the Automaton, which serve as the eminent Doctor’s Mart, at which he peddles his mechanicall Toys, and solicits Orders from the Great. The Automaton gave a faultless Performance, which is not to be wondered at, as Miss Smith has perfected her Impersonation of the Machine to such a Degree that (so she tells me) she feels Clockworks in her Joints when she plays the Machine. After the noble Guests had departed, and the Time had come to retire, Honoria treated Doctor Albertus with such obvious Familiarity, that I could ignore it no longer.
“Sir, (I said,) I must ask that you restrain your Familiarity with Miss Wells, and keep within the Bounds of Propriety.”
Honoria spoke, tho’ I had not addressed her. “There can be nothing improper in the Appearance of Familiarity (quoth she) when the Appearance is the Mirror of the Fact.”
This bald Statement silenced me, and indeed the Room was silent for a few Moments; but at last Doctor Albertus laughed, and spoke thus:
“Come, Sir George, we are all Friends, and we are not Peasants; you and I are Men of the World, and Honoria knows as much of the World as we: Then let not Prejudice drive a Wedge between us.”
“Really, George,” Honoria added, “there is no need. I have learned much from Doctor Albertus, and surely you would not begrudge me the Truths I have gathered from my Congress with a great Mind.”
“Truths!” At last that Choler, which I had not been able to muster earlier, came over me, and I was not able to control my Speech. “What can a Charlatan have to do with Truth? Has this Oracle of all Wisdom told you that his wonderfull Automaton is a Cockney Seamstress named Smith? That he has been deceiving the Great with an Exhibition of—”
Here I ceased, because Honoria was smiling. When I had been silent for some Time, she spoke in calm and unperturbed Tones:
“Did you suppose (quoth she) that I was unaware of the true Nature of the Automaton? Did you suppose that Doctor Albertus had withheld aught from me—or I from him? Dear George, you are a perfect Innocent, but we are not all such perfect Innocents as you.”
This was her final Word, and my Wrath left me as suddenly as it had come. I sat in the Side-chair, and there I remained I know not how long; I am without Sensibility, and have returned to that Lassitude, in which I am wonderfully indifferent to my Plight. In this Condition I write, and send you Communication as from a Prison; or perhaps as from a Tomb, the Grave of my Honor and my Hope. Farewell; as writing to you is become my only Consolation, you may expect that I shall write again, and you shall hear from
Your lost Brother,
George.