Posts by Dr. Boli
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
Fireworks. Most of the various kinds of fireworks we use in our celebrations today were invented by the Chinese as weapons. Chinese wars were just as destructive as European wars, but much prettier.
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ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Last week my husband bought me a new shampoo whose label advertised that it was formulated with “energizing ginseng.” Now my hair is the life of the party, but the rest of me can’t keep up. I’ve switched to a chamomile-scented shampoo, but the ginseng doesn’t seem to be wearing off. How can I rein in my hair without hurting its delicate feelings, or causing split ends? I do not wish to damage a lifelong relationship. —Sincerely, the Hon. “Pickles” Worthington.
Dear Madam: It is regrettably necessary in such situations as the one you describe to be absolutely firm with one’s hair. Give it an inch and it will take an ell, especially if it is under the influence of dangerous herbal preparations. Have you tried immersing your follicles in a bucket of lukewarm water? Ten minutes should do the trick, one way or another.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Why is the British royal couple still on TV news? Didn’t our forefathers fight a revolutionary war to get away from those meddling distractions? —Sincerely, “cs.”
Dear Sir or Madam: Our forefathers fought a revolutionary war to deprive King George of his authority over them. Since that time, the British monarchy has taken a more diplomatic—one might almost say Machiavellian—course. Giving up the appearance of power, the royal house has pursued the substance instead. In our own time, the younger members, one of whom will inherit the throne at some time in the near future, have succeeded in distilling themselves into the essence of pure celebrity. As every American knows, celebrity is the only form of power we recognize. Thus the British royal family, having failed to hold America by the rather clumsy expedient of resorting to force, has succeeded in reconquering its former possessions by the exercise of a far more insidious kind of strength.
Fortunately the Windsors’ intentions are benign. They merely desire to save us, their wandering children, from our juvenile and dangerous flirtation with a republican form of government.
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THE SIXTH SEAL.
And I beheld when he had opened the sixt seale, and loe, there was a great earthquake, and the Sunne became blacke as sackecloth of haire, and the Moone became as blood. And the starres of heauen fell vnto the earth, euen as a figge tree casteth her vntimely figs when she is shaken of a mighty winde. And the heauen departed as a scrowle when it is rolled together, and euery mountaine and island were moued out of their places. And the Pope sent his first tweet.
—Revelation 6:12-14.
COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD.
ST. BRITNEY PARISH is low on extra virgin olive oil, and, with the parish festival coming up, is making an appeal to the community. If you have any extra virgins who would be able to work the olive presses for a few hours a day, please have them report to Sr. Mary Norbert, E.V.O.O., in the parish kitchen.
The Port Authority reminds all Red Line riders that the new electronic fareboxes were specifically designed to be just as easy to use as the old mechanical ones, so there is no excuse for all this fiddling that has been going on lately.
The 2100 block of Breckenridge Avenue is having a street sale this Saturday from 10 to 4. Proceeds will be applied to the purchase of a better street.
The Tuesday Garden Club is offering a $500 reward for information leading to the arrest and conviction of whoever is responsible for the dandelions in Mrs. Rutherford’s rose garden. Call the Club office with tips (Tuesdays only).
Your city police would like to remind you that crime is everywhere. Leave your door unlocked so that police officers may enter your house when necessary to protect your valuables. Leave a list of your valuables and their locations posted inside your front door to facilitate officers’ investigations.
Registrations for the Blandville Buntings football team will be held all this week at the Senior Center. This fall will be our first season playing in Mrs. Belasco’s back yard, as long as no one spoils the fun by telling Mrs. Belasco about it.
Missing Child Alert. Jeremy Neeld, age 21, has not been seen since he left to go back to Penn State after spring break. Mrs. Neeld says he never calls or texts anymore. If you have information about Jeremy’s whereabouts and whether he’s still seeing that floozy, please speak to Mrs. Neeld directly, or to any of the ladies at the La Bella Salon, who will be sure to pass it on to her.
WHY THE OSPREY HAS NO XYLOPHONE.
IN OLDEN TIMES, our forefathers huddled around the fire and told the story of Why the Osprey Has No Xylophone. Now our forefathers are all dead, and serve them right. And this is the story they told:—
Many moons ago—Io, and Europa, and Charon, and Titan, and Ganymede, and Phobos, and Triton, and Callisto, and Oberon, and Tethys ago—the osprey was king of all the birds. At that remote time the avian world was governed as a constitutional monarchy, and the osprey’s duties were confined to opening shopping centers, signing letters of commendation, and posing for portraits on currency, which, in the days before printing, naturally took up most of a reigning monarch’s schedule.
One day the osprey told his prime minister, an ambitious young herring gull, “I should like to have a tulip.”
“Get it yourself,” replied the prime minister, who was positively mad with power.
So the osprey set out on an epic quest for a tulip. He traveled to the ends of the earth, slew monsters, ate at dreadful fast-food joints, and endured such hardships as no king before or since has ever endured. At length he came to a plateau in Anatolia that was carpeted from end to end with tulips, but he decided that tulips weren’t all they were cracked up to be and flew home disappointed.
On his return, he discovered that his throne had been declared vacant, and the former prime minister was now ruling as General Secretary of the People’s Revolutionary Council. “We don’t need kings anymore,” he explained. “But we do have an opening for a new registrar of deeds.”
Having tried out that position for a month, however, the osprey decided that if he never registered another deed it would be just peachy. He therefore went into business for himself selling collectible porcelain figurines to pigeons, who have an insatiable appetite for that sort of thing. Eventually he retired to a trailer park outside Sarasota, where as far as anyone knows he still resides today. And that, dear children, is why the osprey has no xylophone, but has a marimba instead.
UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA.
In honor of the fourth anniversary of his Celebrated Magazine on the World-Wide Web, Dr. Boli is reprinting some of the most notable articles, stories, poems, and advertisements of the past four years.
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A PLUM TREE in the side yard of Mrs. H. M. Praffle bears only prunes, and has done so since her cat Magdalen left to join the circus.
In October of 1893, the moon was stuck in the waning gibbous phase for nearly two weeks.
Alone among common fruits, strawberries grow inside-out. Botanists can furnish no explanation for this phenomenon.
Paracelsus supposedly succeeded in distilling bacon out of nothing but lamb’s lettuce, but he carried his recipe with him to the grave.
Scientists using the Large Hadron Collider to search for the so-called Higgs boson have developed mysterious sores described by one physician as “stigmata.”
On the morning of March 18, 1927, Mr. Norbert Armbunker awoke on the floor under the rotunda of the Union Trust Building dressed as Neptune and clutching a trident, with no memory of the previous twelve hours.
Deep in the woods off Interstate 70 near Breezewood, Penna., mysterious lights are sometimes seen late at night that appear to spell out the words “CLEAN RESTROOMS.”
DR. BOLI’S ALLEGORICAL BESTIARY.
In honor of the fourth anniversary of his Celebrated Magazine on the World-Wide Web, Dr. Boli is reprinting some of the most notable articles, stories, poems, and advertisements of the past four years.
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The Sloth.
SLOTHS ARE FOUND in mattress stores, dormitories, department-store bedding departments, and other places where opportunities for sleep abound. The average sloth requires twenty-six hours of sleep every day. As there are only twenty-four hours in a day (as the discerning reader has doubtless already remarked), the sloth is forced to borrow two hours from the next day. By the end of the week, the sloth has accumulated quite a backlog, and indeed the animal would probably die of exhaustion if it did not take Sunday off to catch up on its sleep. This busy schedule leaves little time for eating, so the sloth’s normal habit is to sleep with its mouth open and hope something tasty falls in. Sloths are distinguished by the number of toes on one foot: as “two-toed,” “three-toed,” &c. These are not different species, but merely different stages: for the sloth continues to grow toes as long as it lives. Eight-toed and nine-toed sloths are not uncommon, and a fourteen-toed sloth is reported at a zoological park in Wheeling.
Surprisingly enough, the sloth signifies Envy.