Posts by Dr. Boli
FUN FACTS ABOUT QUEEN VICTORIA
In Honor of Victoria Day.
IT WAS NOT known until the publication of previously suppressed portions of her diaries that Victoria was an accomplished unicyclist.
The famous remark “We are not amused,” attributed to Victoria, is apocryphal. The queen’s actual remark on the occasion was “Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”
Victoria was an enthusiastic hobbyist, and visitors to Windsor were often taken to the Map Room to admire the queen’s famous collection of dominions.
Queen Victoria ruled for 316 years, longer than any other British monarch except the half-legendary Ethelbrick the Unlikely of East Wessex.
Victoria was almost universally beloved in England when she died; yet, a decade and a half later, her grandson Wilhelm achieved an extraordinary level of unpopularity.
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IN THE NEWS.
THE ANTICIPATED RAPTURE has occurred, according to reports published earlier today. Eyewitnesses say that Mr. Stephen Mulenga of Keetmanshoop, Namibia, shot into the sky like a Saturn rocket. Mr. Mulenga, who had always been very kind to widows and orphans, was the only human being found worthy of ascending directly into heaven. As he ascended, his neighbors report, he was heard to say “The rest of you can go to…,” but the exact location he recommended could not be heard distinctly, on account of his rapidly increasing altitude.
WHILE YOU WAIT…
…you may wish to listen to a bit of appropriate music.
THINGS TO DO WHILE WAITING FOR THE RAPTURE.
SINCE THE RAPTURE is scheduled for tomorrow, there seems to be little use in making long-term plans. Everything that involves work toward a future goal is simply wasted effort. Instead, find a way to entertain yourself for the next twenty-four hours or so (at the most). Here are a few suggestions.
Read up on previous end-of-the-world manias, and laugh at the ignorant goobers who got the date wrong.
How will you look in your new white robe? Better visit the gym now. You have a day to tone up.
Remember that you are saved by faith, not by works, so this is your last chance to vandalize your neighbor’s Lexus.
Get out your pocket calculator and your Bible and see if you can confirm the calculation of the date of the Rapture. Then just for fun, see how your calculations would change if you accepted 2 Esdras as canonical scripture.
Go to the bank, take out all your money, take it to the coin shop, and buy as many expensive collector coins as you can find. Then use them to play the most expensive game of tiddlywinks in history.
Just for a lark, sell all you have and give the money to the poor. It won’t improve your chances of rapture, but the looks on the poor’s faces will be priceless.
Bookmark Dr. Boli’s Celebrated Magazine, so you’ll have something to read on Sunday when you don’t want to go out and face your friends.
By the way, did you know that, merely by reading this article and perhaps smiling at some of the suggestions in it, you have demonstrated your lack of faith and completely torpedoed any chance you had of being raptured? Sorry about that.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
Boston at noon, May 19, 1780. From an old engraving.
ON THIS DAY in 1780, “a horror of great darkness” fell on most of New England. At the time, with primitive communications and little knowledge of the forces of nature, superstitious New Englanders attributed the terrifying darkness to smoke from forest fires in the west. Modern scientists, by examining records collected from all over the region, have concluded that the phenomenon was simply the result of an unusual concentration of devils in the atmosphere.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: What is the morality of inchworms? I have never been able to figure this out. Now that I think about it, what is the mortality of inchworms? —Sincerely, Your devoted reader, Miss Gwendolin Elaine Montmorency-Tudor.
Dear Madam: Inchworms per se have no moral value: they are neither moral nor immoral. Doubtless this is why your best efforts at coming up with an answer to your question proved fruitless. In our world of sin and consumer fraud, however, such is the depravity of nature that there are creatures that try to pass themselves off as inchworms, though they really measure perhaps seven-eighths of an inch, or an inch and a quarter. Needless to say, there is no excuse for that kind of deception, which should be reported at once to the enforcement division of your local bureau of weights and measures.
An attempt some years back to replace the inchworm with the superficially similar two-and-a-half-centimeter worm was a dismal failure, leading many entomologists to conclude that the inchworm is probably immortal.
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NOTICE.
AUDITIONS WILL BE held this Saturday for contestants in a new Dumont reality show to be titled America’s Next Reality-Show Contestant. According to Mr. Sid Pandarus, Dumont’s Director of Programming, the show, planned for next season, will feature twenty-six “real people” competing for one prize. The last contestant standing will win the chance to compete on a Dumont reality show the season after next. Producers are looking for a type of contestant described as “attractive, hysterically emotional, and not too bright.” If you think you fit this description, and are prepared to sign a legally binding agreement waiving your dignity, come to Memorial Hall this Saturday at 1 p.m.
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