AIR CONDITIONING CAN be the single biggest energy-user in your house during the summer months. Save money on your electric bill by waiting till winter to cool off.

Calculate how much per mile you really spend to drive your car. Don’t forget the cost of the car itself, as well as the cost of maintenance, insurance, registration, and gasoline. Now you’re too depressed to drive. You save!

Frequent headaches? Save money on aspirin by growing your own willow trees in the back yard.

Eat leftovers every day instead of every other day.

Dig a moat around your house, and pile the excavated dirt and rubble around the exterior walls. The dirt will act as insulation, saving big money on your heating and cooling bills. And you eliminate the need for an expensive security system!

Children’s grape-flavored drinks often sell for as little as a dollar a gallon. Add a little yeast, and you’re saving big money on wine.

Buy one of those novelty costumes that make you and your spouse look like one two-headed person. Then threaten a discrimination suit if the Port Authority won’t let you ride the streetcar for one fare.

Negotiate advertising deals with local businesses, and you can get your tattoos for free!

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DURING THE RECENT Rapture mania, when many thousands of people were eagerly anticipating what turned out to be a spiritual rather than physical event (which Dr. Boli believes is another way of saying it didn’t happen), Dr. Boli offered, purely as suggestions, a number of things to do while waiting for the Rapture. It seems that many people found these suggestions useful, to judge by the gratifyingly high numbers of readers. One of them, calling herself “Grace” (certainly an apt name), was kind enough to leave a comment only this afternoon:

you realize its may 27 and NOTING has happened! Sucks for you cuz you just did all that stuff…

First of all, Dr. Boli would like to correct a slight misapprehension. He merely offered suggestions; he did not do all that stuff. For example, he did not vandalize his neighbor’s Lexus, for the very good and compelling reason that his neighbor drives a DeSoto Airflow. Nor did he pay a visit to the gymnasium. Dr. Boli attributes his longevity to Yunnan tea, good red wine, and a dogmatic avoidance of exercise machines. He believes it is far healthier to get one’s exercise by doing something useful than by sitting at a machine that simulates useful work, in the same way that it is far healthier to get one’s nutrition by eating real fruit rather than wax fruit.

However, he does believe that his correspondent is correct when she says that “NOTING has happened.” The Recording Angel has indeed been taking notes. Although Dr. Boli is not one to tell an angel his business, he suspects that the name of one Harold Camping appears in the register with a big black mark beside it, a mark that it will take a good deal of earnest repentance to erase.

Dear Dr. Boli: Now that we know how banks work, can you tell us how stockbrokers make us broker? —Sincerely, Greybeard.

Dear Sir: The stockbroker, like any other tool, cannot be held responsible for the actions of its user. It is true that the presence of hammers in the world may encourage people to go around hitting nails, but the responsible adult is expected to be able to decide for himself when such an activity is appropriate and when it will infuriate the neighbors. In the same way, the mere fact that stockbrokers exist does not require us to buy or sell stocks. It is perfectly possible to go through life from beginning to end without once employing the services of a stockbroker; and it is a curious thing that many Americans who are deaf to the pleas of ordinary mendicants seem to be unable to resist the importunities of brokers, who generally have less to offer in return than a street beggar. A street beggar, after all, usually pronounces God’s blessing on us, whereas the broker brings down the curse of Mammon.

In short, the problem is not in our brokers, but in ourselves. The next time you have a large sum of money to invest, give about 3% of it to the next street beggar you see, and stuff the rest into an old pillowcase. You will be achieving approximately the same long-term results as if you had given the money to a broker, but you will receive far more gratitude in return.