Posts by Dr. Boli
RECENTLY DISCOVERED ELEMENTS.
Condominium. Found mostly in urban areas, this element is thought to be a product of the well-known atomic decay that sets in during gentrification of a previously working-class neighborhood.
Dijonium. Unstable unless suspended in vinegar, Dijonium is now known to be present in significant amounts only in the soil of the Côte-d’Or department in France. It is the reason why no so-called “Dijon” mustard from anywhere else in the world tastes anything like the real thing.
Geranium. A perennial element with 10 stamens and one- to three-flowered peduncles on forking stems. Not to be confused with Pelargonium.
Gymnasium. This element was first isolated in an old pair of socks left in a locker at the YMCA in McKeesport, Penna. It has been kept isolated since then, for what scientists describe as obvious reasons.
Herbarium. First detected in dried botanical specimens, this radioactive element can affect the brain and is known to cause unseemly wrangling over seemingly straightforward generic divisions.
Triclinium. A very exclusive element found only in the ancient house of Trimalchio in Rome, whither it was brought at ruinous expense from God knows where.
Trivium. Not much use to anyone, this element nevertheless seems to commandeer the bulk of the conversation at chemists’ cocktail parties.
OUR VALUED CORRESPONDENTS.
FROM TIME TO time, Dr. Boli is privileged to receive communications from somewhere in the ethereal regions that may seem, at first glance, not to be strictly relevant to the topic at hand. But, as Pliny might have said if he had lived into the age of the Internet, there is no comment so bad but that some amusement can be found in it.
“Scuba Equipment and Dive Vacations” asks (rhetorically, one presumes):
What sport would you say costs more money in general, scuba diving or golf?
It has been a long while since Dr. Boli played golf, but, as he recalls, most of the money was actually spent after the eighteenth hole. He suspects that the equivalent may be true of scuba diving, rendering the two sports roughly equivalent in that regard.
“Buy Anabolic” remarks:
Je viens d’ajouter votre page web à mes favoris. J’aime lire vos messages. Merci!
Dr. Boli is always delighted to hear from elementary-school students just beginning what he hopes will be a long and fruitful relationship with the French language. Merci beaucoup, M. Anabolic!
Finally, a correspondent identified as “Indigized” writes, in reference to nothing in particular,
I agree, it’s interesting, probably I come in handy
Indeed you do come in handy, especially on what the journalists call a “slow news day.”
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LETTER TO THE EDITOR.
Sir: Who is responsible for the absurd choices of comic strips in your newspaper? Only today I saw a joke I had never seen before in one of your comics. Do you honestly believe that people look for innovation in the comics pages? If so, you are very much mistaken. People who come to the comics pages are looking for familiarity and comfort. They want to see the same jokes that made them laugh when they were children. They want to see catch phrases from popular advertising campaigns repeated verbatim. They want to see French people mocked for having surrendered to the Germans seventy-one years ago. They do not want to have their intellects engaged or their assumptions challenged. If they did, they could read the sports page, for heaven’s sake! I expect your editors to take firm control over the comics in your publication. If they do not, I shall be forced to stop reading your paper over other people’s shoulders on the streetcar.
Sincerely,
Alvin K. Windsock,
Point Breeze
NERGAL-SHAREZER THE RABMAG INTERPRETS YOUR DREAMS.
Dear Nergal-Sharezer the Rabmag: Last night I had a dream in which a biblical scholar of my acquaintance was telling me that he had uncovered good evidence that Herod Antipas had pursued the twelve apostles with unstoppable giant steam-powered robot penguins. I expressed some doubts, but he pointed out that his book on the subject had become a New York Times bestseller, which he believed settled the question definitively. What do you think it means? I should mention that I normally dream of Mary Pickford, so this dream was a bit out of the ordinary for me. —Sincerely, Pindar Osage-Orange, Ph.D., Mt. Oliver (borough).
Dear Sir: Although it is uncommon for you, it is not in general out of the ordinary for educated individuals to have dreams involving problems of ancient history. Indeed, often these dreams present, in disguised form, solutions to otherwise intractable problems in historical research. Dreams often substitute monstrous imagery for the facts your brain is trying to piece together, so the interpretive key is to find plausible equivalents for the implausible monstrosities of the dream-world. In this case, penguins, a family of bird found exclusively in the southern hemisphere, are very unlikely to have been known to anyone at the eastern end of the Mediterranean in classical times. The Levantine shearwater (Puffinus yelkouan), however, has a superficially similar black-and-white coat and is also mostly aquatic, but is well known in the eastern Mediterranean region. It is therefore entirely plausible to suppose that Herod Antipas pursued the twelve apostles with unstoppable giant steam-powered robot Levantine shearwaters, and you may unwittingly have solved a thorny problem in biblical history.
MISS DIANA SMOULDER’S PERFORMANCE CONDITIONS.
THANK YOU FOR welcoming Miss Diana Smoulder, the Ravishing Heartthrob of the Hurdy-Gurdy, to your concert venue. As you are doubtless aware, world-class artists have exacting standards, which must be met in order for their performances to rise to the level of excellence we expect from them. Miss Smoulder requires certain conditions in order to perform at her best, and these conditions are enumerated in this section of her contract with you.
1. Limousine drivers are required to wear Richard Nixon masks at all times.
2. Miss Smoulder shall be driven on concrete highways only. No asphalt.
3. Miss Smoulder’s dressing room must be an exact duplicate of the Audience Chamber at Topkapi Palace as it was decorated in 1719.
4. Catering staff must provide five saltine crackers from which the salt has been removed with tweezers.
5. Each time Miss Smoulder says something intended to be witty, staff must laugh for no fewer than twelve seconds per incident.
6. No one shall be permitted to work with or near Miss Smoulder who is unable to recognize when she is saying something intended to be witty. In cases of doubt, the decision of Miss Smoulder shall be final.
7. One member of staff, male, between eighteen and twenty-three years of age, blond, with well-defined musculature, shall be deputed to act as a footstool for the duration of Miss Smoulder’s stay, and shall be retained by Miss Smoulder as a souvenir of her visit.
8. Members of the audience who do not applaud with sufficient enthusiasm shall be subject to fine and/or imprisonment.
9. The enumeration in this Contract of certain rights shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by Miss Smoulder.
10. If for any reason Miss Smoulder is forced to cancel her performance at the last minute, she will graciously consent to return the five saltine crackers, or the unused portion thereof.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: By what name did you address your grandmother? —Sincerely, Scuba Joe.
Dear Sir: Dr. Boli was fortunate enough to grow up with three biological grandmothers, as well as numerous little old Dutch ladies in York (Penna.) who thought he was just the cutest thing and more or less appointed themselves honorary grandmothers. The three true grandmothers he addressed as “Grandmother Boli,” “Grandmother Cary,” and “Grandlenewton,” an affectionate nickname whose origin has never been revealed to him, even though his Grandlenewton is still alive today at the age of 312. She can be a bit stubborn. The Dutch ladies were all called “Grossmama.”
Dr. Boli has also been meaning to ask Grandlenewton how he came to have three biological grandmothers, but he is still a little bit afraid of her.
IN THE NEWS.
AT LEAST SEVENTY wicked witches were melted in last night’s unexpected drizzle. Governor Corbett has declared a state of emergency, and has designated Sunday as a day of prayer and human sacrifice.
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ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli. As an active modern father, I always try to answer all my children’s questions in a straightforward but age-appropriate way, even when they touch on topics that may be sensitive or personally embarrassing. Last night, however, little Algernon asked me a question, and for the first time in his young life I could not think of a proper answer calibrated to his level of understanding. He had been trying to use the school library’s computer to look up how to construct a classic Molotov cocktail, and when he came home he asked me, “Daddy, why do so many people use Windows on their computers when everybody knows it’s so annoying?”
I could not then, and still cannot, think of a properly age-appropriate response. When I think about Windows, in fact, the language that comes to mind is not what I would ever allow myself to use within range of Algernon’s tender ears. What would you have said? —Sincerely, A Concerned Father.
Dear Sir: Dr. Boli commends you for making the effort to address your child’s natural curiosity. Like you, he believes that no sincere question from a child, no matter how difficult or embarrassing, should go without a proper age-appropriate answer. In cases like this, the proper age-appropriate answer is “Ask your mother.”