Posts by Dr. Boli
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
Pyramids. Little is known about how the first pyramid was constructed, but it is well established that the second pyramid was constructed by copying the first.
ANNOUNCEMENT.
ONE MONTH REMAINS until the DHU Philosophy Department’s Halloween Ball, so we would like once again to draw your attention to the costume sign-up sheet in the faculty lounge. Last year both Mrs. Radcliffe and Ms. Sohmer came dressed as the Transcendental Unity of Apperception, and city police have asked us to take steps to reduce the likelihood of a similar catastrophe this year.
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
Holmes, Sherlock. Sherlock Holmes was a real historical figure, although Dr. Watson embellished the character somewhat for publication. In particular, the cocaine addiction of the stories was in reality no more than a mild dependence on caffeine to get him going in the morning. The iconic deerstalker was also an invention of Watson’s, the real Holmes preferring a tractor cap. The character of “Arthur Conan Doyle” is, of course, entirely fictional.
DR. BOLI’S PRESS-CLIPPING BUREAU.
EXTINCT LANGUAGE FOUND IN OLD MAGAZINE CLIPPING.
PITTSBURGH (Special to the Dispatch).—A magazine clipping recently found in a local attic may hold the only remnants of a long-extinct North American language, scholars from the Duck Hollow University Department of Cryptolinguistics announced yesterday.
The clipping, found in a scrapbook from the late 1930s, comes from a magazine entitled Romance in Rhythm, which contained short fiction apparently aimed at the youth market.
The short story was written in English, said Duck Hollow professor Eustace Grimm, but it included snatches of dialogue in a hitherto unknown language that may have been native to certain regions of Manhattan Island in lower New York State, to judge by the setting of the story.
Prof. Grimm released a sample of the newly identified language at a press conference on the DHU campus, next to the soda machine down the hall from the dean’s office.
“Well, all reet, Jackson!” said Rosie, with feeling. “You’re one swingin’ gate! You’re in the groove! Gimme some skin and let’s blow this joint!”
“Killer-diller, baby!” he replied, just as enthusiastically. “You really send me! Knock me a kiss and let’s truck!”
Prof. Grimm urged linguists around the world to study this fragment. “It may be possible,” he explained, “to identify some related living language that might provide a key to deciphering this hitherto unknown tongue.”
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NOTICE.
THE ANARCHIST COUNCIL would like to remind all members that proper procedures must be followed in calling local meetings, even when they are so-called emergency meetings. The bylaws of the Council specifically mandate that meetings must be advertised in the usual channels both three days in advance of the meeting and twenty-four hours before the meeting is held. These rules have been handed down to us from the founders of our organization, and we will not hear any arguments that some supposed exigency is more important than the bylaws that have sustained us for more than a century. Sloppy and uncoordinated work like that does not advance the cause of Anarchy. Appropriate action will be taken against any local chapter presidents who violate these bylaws, and repeat offenders will be removed and a new president imposed by the Supreme Executive.
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
Marianas, Northern. The Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands has been sending two senators and one representative to Washington for the past eighteen years, but so far everyone has been too polite to say anything about it.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Yesterday afternoon, at the dollar store down the street, I bought a wire-bound notebook to write my notes in. When I got it home, I noticed that on the cover, in large letters, it says “1 SUBJECT,” and in slightly smaller letters “1 Materia.” Who do they think they are telling me how many subjects I can write about in my own notebook? That’s what I want to know. —Sincerely, Matilda Fudlocker, Beechview.
Dear Madam: Since the administration of Theodore Roosevelt, the number of subjects allowed per notebook has been strictly regulated by the United States Bureau of Journals and Blank Books. These regulations are for the protection of all Americans, who could otherwise be subjected to unfettered and unstructured ramblings that might make their way into emails, newspaper opinion columns, or even a blog. Do not attempt to circumvent this important safeguard. If you need to address another subject, buy another notebook.