Posts by Dr. Boli
ANNOUNCEMENT.
HOW TO WASH YOUR HANDS.
1. Remove a paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.
2. Using the paper towel you have just removed, remove a clean paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system. Do not touch the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.
3. Discard the first paper towel, but not the second paper towel.
4. Using the second paper towel, turn on the faucet.
5. Adjust the water temperature so that it is warm but not scalding. This may take some practice, so allow 15 or 20 minutes.
6. Discard the second paper towel.
7. Remove a paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.
8. Using the paper towel you have just removed, remove a clean paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system. Do not touch the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.
9. Discard the third paper towel, but not the fourth paper towel.
10. Using the fourth paper towel, push the button on the soap dispenser repeatedly.
11. We should have told you to hold your other hand under the soap dispenser, so kick the soap off your shoe and try again, this time holding your other hand under the soap dispenser.
12. Discard the fourth paper towel.
13. Rub your hands briskly under the warm water for the length of time it takes to sing “Chinnin’ and Chattin’ with May.” If you do not know the song “Chinnin’ and Chattin’ with May,” send $5 in unmarked bills to the United Paper Towel Manufacturing Corp., Hays, for the complete authorized sheet music.
14. Remove a paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.
15. Using the paper towel you have just removed, remove a clean paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system. Do not touch the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.
16. Discard the fifth paper towel, but not the sixth paper towel.
17. Using the sixth paper towel, turn off the faucet.
18. Remove a paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.
19. Using the paper towel you have just removed, remove a clean paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system. Do not touch the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.
20. Discard the seventh paper towel, but not the eighth paper towel.
21. Using the eighth paper towel, push the button on the United brand forced-air hand-drying machine.
22. Discard the eighth paper towel.
23. Rub your hands briskly and ostentatiously under the United brand forced-air hand-drying machine.
24. Remove a paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.
25. Using the paper towel you have just removed, remove a clean paper towel from the United brand paper-towel dispensing system. Do not touch the United brand paper-towel dispensing system.
26. Discard the ninth paper towel, but not the tenth paper towel.
27. Using the tenth paper towel, dry your hands.
–
These instructions provided courtesy of the United Paper Towel Manufacturing Corp., Hays.
Advertisement.
THE LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS.
IN OLDEN DAYS, the science of botanical linguistics was much studied, and young ladies devoted their leisure hours to parsing the bouquets sent by their admirers. In this first number of our occasional series, Dr. Boli elucidates some of the messages traditionally conveyed by familiar blooms since ancient times, explaining, where possible, the property of the flower that gives rise to its associated meaning.
Heliotrope. My suntan is real, not sprayed on. This flower is noted for its marvelous property of facing the sun at all times.
Hellebore. Thou dost bore me to blazes. The application is obscure but universal since medieval times.
Lobelia. Thy favor of the 16th inst. received. The lobelia is a member of the subfamily Lobelioideae of the family Campanulaceae, so there you go.
Mallow. I will stick by thee. An allusion to the mucilaginous qualities for which the plant is renowned.
Mock-Orange. I do not believe thee to be a veritable orange. The mock-orange bears the scent of the true orange, but shall we not judge it by its fruits?
Pineapple. I love thee in spite of thy various annoying qualities. The prickly skin and pointed leaves of this plant conceal a palatable fruit within.
Ranunculus. Thou art mistaken with regard to the Sarbanes-Oxley Act. The application is too obvious to require elucidation.
Rose (red). Please leave a message after the tone. From the earliest days of civilization, roses have conveyed messages between lovers in every part of the world.
Vervain. I am not eager to participate in the community meeting on Thursday night. Vervain, especially white vervain (Verbena urticifolia), is noted for its indifference to the affairs of its family and order.
Advertisement.
CAPTAIN PLEONASM VS. MRS. WILLOUGHBY’S FOURTH-GRADE CIVICS CLASS.
Although no recordings of the old Captain Pleonasm radio serial have survived, a number of the original scripts were recently unearthed in the archives of the Northern Broadcasting Company.
ANNOUNCER. Malt-O-Cod, the delicious and nutritious malt food drink flavored with real cod-liver oil, presents…
(Music: Theme, up and under for…)
ANNOUNCER. The Thrilling and Exciting Adventures of Captain Pleonasm and His Faithful and Trustworthy Sidekick and Assistant, Interjection Boy!
(Music: In full, then fade for…)
ANNOUNCER. Our story begins today with Captain Pleonasm once again proudly engaging in his civic duty of helping the young people of America to stay on the straight and narrow path.
CAPT. PLEONASM. I do not recall this structure or building as being so small. When I was here, these rooms were vast and cavernous chambers. Artemus Ward Elementary was a Brobdingnagian palace of immense proportions. It is painfully and distressingly apparent that my arch-nemeses, the Editors of Doom, have been attacking this school with their Condense-O Ray.
INTERJECTION BOY. Waverin’ willets, Captain Pleaonasm! The last time you were here you were ten years old, and Mrs. Willoughby says you were the shortest kid in your class.
CAPT. PLEONASM. I fail to see the relevance of that information, or its application to the subject at hand.
INTERJECTION BOY. Gadzooks, Captain Pleonasm, I’m just saying that—Oh, look, there’s my little brother’s classroom now! And here comes Mrs. Willoughby.
CAPT. PLEONASM. What did you say your little brother’s name was again? By what appellation shall I address him?
INTERJECTION BOY. Argyle socks, Captain Pleonasm! I’ve told you about fifty times. His name is Interrogative Boy.
CAPT. PLEONASM. It still seems strange and suspicious, too odd to be a mere coincidence or unrelated concatenation of events, that your little brother has the very same and identical civics teacher that I had in fourth grade.
INTERJECTION BOY. Blitherin’ bandicoots, Captain Pleonasm! It’s not as strange as all that. You know Mrs. Willoughby has the job forever cause she knows where the bodies are buried.
MRS. WILLOUGHBY (approaching). Billy! How nice of you to come!
INTERJECTION BOY. Grievin’ ganders, Mrs. Willoughby! You mean his name was Billy?
MRS. WILLOUGHBY. Well, of course! He wasn’t always Captain Pleonasm, you know. Back in the fourth grade, he was just plain little Billy Pleonasm. Such a cute little boy! Not too bright, but heavens! what a vocabulary. Come in, come in! The class is very excited that you’re coming.
(Sound: chaotic elementary-school classroom.)
MRS.WILLOUGHBY. Settle down, boys and girls! We have a very special treat today. Captain Pleonasm is here to talk with us. That’s right—the famous Captain Pleonasm himself, and believe it or not, just a few decades ago he was a student in this very classroom, just like all of you! But now he’s a crusading hero with a lucrative Malt-O-Cod contract!
LITTLE GIRL. I wanted Superman.
LITTLE BOY. Or Batman.
INTERROGATIVE BOY. What are you doing here, big brother?
INTERJECTION BOY. Reekin’ ramps, little brother! I’m a sidekick! I’ve got to be by his side, no matter what danger he faces!
MRS. WILLOUHGBY. So now Captain Pleonasm is going to give us his very interesting presentation.
CAPT. PLEONASM. My aim and purpose, dear children, is to tell you that crime and lawbreaking do not pay. They are not remunerative. Nothing is to be gained by flouting the statutes of our fair Commonwealth. In the end, a life devoted to transgression of the criminal code will not materially increase your wealth.
INTERROGATIVE BOY (stage whisper).Why does he keep saying the same thing over and over again?
INTERJECTION BOY. (stage whisper) Merciful malamutes, Interrogative Boy! That’s his thing. It’s what he does.
MRS.WILLOUGHBY. Well, that’s very interesting, and I’m sure you could go on like this all afternoon. But why don’t we answer some questions now? Yes, Angela?
LITTLE GIRL. Why couldn’t we get Superman like Mrs. Fanshawe’s class did?
LITTLE BOY. Or Batman?
MRS.WILLOUGHBY. Mrs. Fanshawe’s class got Superman because the school could only afford Superman’s honorarium for one class, and Mrs. Fanshawe bribed the principal with cupcakes, which was a very naughty thing to do. Are there any real questions for Captain Pleonasm? Yes, Interrogative Boy?
INTERROGATIVE BOY. Why do you wear that dorky long underwear?
LITTLE GIRL. Yeah, instead of a cool cape like Superman?
LITTLE BOY. Or Batman?
ANNOUNCER. Is this the end for Captain Pleonasm’s dignity? Will he escape from Artemus Ward Elementary School with his pride intact? Don’t miss next week’s enthralling and riveting episode of the Thrilling and Exciting Adventures of Captain Pleonasm and His Faithful and Trustworthy Sidekick and Assistant, Interjection Boy!
(Music: In full, and under for…)
ANNOUNCER. Kids, have you pestered your moms for Malt-O-Cod today? Remember, Malt-O-Cod is the only malt food drink with the rich, satisfying flavor of real cod-liver oil, now with the official Captain Pleonasm comb and tissue paper in every box, so you can play along with the Captain Pleonasm theme. Start wearing down your parents’ resistance now!
(Music: In full, then out.)
Advertisement.
POLL RESULTS.
AT PRESS TIME, more than fourscore intelligent readers have taken Dr. Boli’s short poll. The results are clear and conclusive. No answer had an absolute majority, and no two answers taken together had an absolute majority. This shows—clearly and conclusively—that the readers of this celebrated Magazine are men and women who prize independent thought.
There were, however, two answers that consistently earned more votes than any of the others, and the two have been nearly equal in votes throughout the course of the poll. The question, you will recall, was “On-line polls: Are they useful?” To that question 20.7% of respondents answered, “Yes, because they fool people into thinking their opinions matter,” and 23.2% of respondents answered, “No, because they are always rigged by the Trilateral Commission.”
From these data we can paint an accurate portrait of Dr. Boli’s readership. It is patently obvious that all the votes for “No, because they are always rigged by the Trilateral Commission,” were cast by incorrigible cynics and conspiracy theorists. It is equally obvious that all the votes for “Yes, because they fool people into thinking their opinions matter,” were cast by the Trilateral Commission.
A POLL.
BECAUSE DR. BOLI’S readership is made up of the best minds in our blessed Republic, the opinions of his readers must be worth far more than the opinions of the random yahoos carelessly selected by the other polling organizations. No further apology, therefore, is needed for this brief survey.
[polldaddy poll=3447259]
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Why are vacuum cleaners so loud? —Sincerely, Fido, a Frightened Dog.
Dear Sir: Vacuum cleaners do not naturally make noise. It is a principle well known even to children in grammar school that sound cannot travel in a vacuum; therefore, by a trifling and obvious logical deduction, the mechanism of your vacuum cleaner must be completely silent.
The first marketers of vacuums, however, found that this silence made it almost impossible to sell the things. You may imagine the scene for yourself: the salesman, having cornered his prey at last, prepares to demonstrate the marvelous new invention that will relegate housekeeping drudgery to the history books; with a dramatic flourish he flips the switch, and—as far as the customer can tell—absolutely nothing happens.
It was apparent that, in defiance of all physical laws, the machine must make noise, or it would never be sold; and thus the manufacturers were forced to introduce an artificial noise, which in the earliest models was produced by the inventors themselves screaming into the recording apparatus at the tops of their lungs.
In those early vacuums, the sound was stored on a phonograph record; and before the advent of the electrical process of sound recording, vacuum cleaners had to be quite large, in order to make room for the acoustical reproducing horn. Beginning in the 1950s, the sound was stored on a continuous loop of magnetic tape, which for the first time allowed the housekeeper to vacuum indefinitely without interruption. In modern appliances, the sound is recorded and stored digitally, which makes the manufacture of smaller hand-held vacuum cleaners practical for the first time.
You might suppose that the continuous improvement in the scientific education of ordinary people would render the noise of the vacuum unnecessary, but such appears not to be the case. In spite of our vaunted scientific knowledge, it seems that most of us believe that a machine is more powerful if it makes more noise. The ignorant prejudice of the masses, Dr. Boli regrets to say, is the sole reason why you, and so many of your canine race, must hide under the sofa whenever housekeeping is in progress.