Posts by Dr. Boli
NOW AT YOUR NEWSSTAND.
FORTHCOMING WORKS BY DR. BOLI.
Dr. Boli’s Comprehensive Anthology of Tables of Contents. The most exhaustive and inclusive publication of its kind. The first folio of Shakespeare—Darwin’s Origin of Species—Vanderblock-Wheedle’s Winifred-Lou—all the great tables of contents are here in this single moderately portable volume, arranged and classified according to Dr. Boli’s revolutionary new taxonomy. Special attention is given to the development of the table of contents as a literary form, ranked for the first time in its deserving place beside the sonnet, the parking ticket, and the prose poem. 8vo, 832 pp. The table of contents alone is worth the price.
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ANNOUNCEMENT.
THE DECONSTRUCTIVIST PAVILION at the Universe of Architecture in Boli World has been closed indefinitely owing to safety concerns. The management would like to apologize for any disappointment or inconvenience, but assures patrons that the amusement value of the rest of the park is unaffected by the closure. The popular Wheel of Radical Formalism remains open.
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CELEBRITY GOSSIP.
MISS UNA CORDA, the notoriously shy concert pianist, played Beethoven’s Diabelli Variations to a packed hall at Heptagon Gardens last night. Miss Corda performed from behind a curtain in a soundproofed chamber. The audience was permitted to listen to a recording of Schnabel performing the same piece.
Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle, the distinguished poet and novelist, was arrested for writing while intoxicated at his home in Newport News. Several free-verse poems of the most appalling sentimentality were seized during the raid.
Rumor has it that the Great Blando will soon be transferred from Woodville State Hospital to a halfway house for recovering acrobats and recitation artists. Members of the community are already planning a public protest.
Flash! Were Barack Obama and Rupert Murdoch caught by staff in a secret love-nest overlooking the Potomac in Arlington? No, but it’s fun to ask leading questions like that, isn’t it?
Miss Diana Smoulder, the ravishing heartthrob of the hurdy-gurdy, was seen at a private party attempting to perform on a crwth. Neighbors have registered a formal protest with the First Minister of Wales.
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ERRATA.
P. 58. For “Balaclava,” read “baklava.” Adjust other instructions accordingly.
P. 103. For “arsenic,” read “allspice.”
P. 171. Add the word “not” thus: “Baking soda is not a good substitute for salt in case of scarcity.”
Please ignore all text on pp. 238-253. When we wrote this chapter, we had just finished Chapter 17, “Know Your Wines and Spirits,” and frankly we ended up saying a few things about snow peas that, in the cold light of dawn, we can see ought to have been left unsaid.
P. 285. For “eggs,” read “flour.” For “broccoli,” read “pitted cherries.” For “cheese,” read “sugar.” For “sausage,” read “butter.” For “pan,” read “oven.” For “omelet,” read “pie.”
P. 317. It turns out that nightshade is poisonous. Who would have thought?
p. 389. The page numbers in the index are incorrect. You may easily arrive at the correct page number by remembering that the index assumes that the pages are numbered logarithmically rather than sequentially.
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DISPATCH POLICE BLOTTER.
AN ALLEGED MEXICAN was arrested on Bland Street on suspicion of being a worthless layabout. He was released without charge when he was able to provide documentation proving that he was the Mexican consul.
Police responded to reports of a fight at Glazunov’s Cafe, a bar in the Forty-Third Ward. Arriving officers were informed that the fight had been provoked by differing opinions on proposed changes to city employees’ pension plans. Officers were careful to determine which of the two parties was wrong about the pension plans before beating him to a pulp.
Miss Elzevira Pockett locked herself out of her 1984 Plymouth Reliant again. Police told her they felt awfully bad about that.
The reference librarian at the Blandville branch library was arrested on suspicion of sedition. A copy of the Communist Manifesto was found on the premises, along with a number of other incriminating documents. Arresting officers allege that the suspect claimed innocence on the grounds that “it’s a library, for Pete’s sake.” The suspect is currently being held indefinitely at an undisclosed location in southeastern Cuba.
Some guy walked into the District 18 police headquarters and asked to use the rest room. Officers told him it was the third door on the right after you go down that long hall over there.