Posts by Dr. Boli
ANNOUNCEMENT.
THE PERFORMANCE BY Sister Mary Norbert, the Javelin-Throwing Nun, previously scheduled for 7:00 tonight at Heptagon Gardens, has been canceled. Following last night’s performance, the diocese reached the decision that Sister Mary Norbert’s talents would better serve the Church in some other field of endeavor. The management of Heptagon Gardens apologizes to patrons for any disappointment or inconvenience, and would like to extend sincerest best wishes for a speedy recovery to the bishop.
DR. BOLI’S PRESS-CLIPPING BUREAU.
TONIGHT AT EIGHT.
Dumont Network: Harsh Words (crime drama). The new Dumont drama that pairs a by-the-book cop with a cold but beautiful forensic etymologist. Tonight: When a West Frisian terrorist is murdered, the only clue is a certain subtle difference between closely related Low Germanic dialects.
The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: “American Exceptionalism.” Rev. Bob-Bob explains why Jesus likes us better than grubby foreigners.
Northern Broadcasting System: Quirkville, PA (comedy-drama). The quirky comedy-drama about a quirky small town and the quirky people who live there. Tonight: Rumors begin to circulate that Mayor Quentin Q. Quentin has been replaced by a space alien who can mimic all his quirky mannerisms.
Metromedia: Al ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: It’s Bucephalus’ birthday—and Hephaestion can’t think of a present for the horse who has everything.
Golf Network: The Golf Show (golf). Tonight: Why you should be paying more for your clubs.
Baldwin Borough Community TV: Baldwin Borough Council Meeting (public affairs). Tonight: Motion to ban foreign cars in unattractive colors.
Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: Derek uses a paper clip and a rubber band to fix the office printer so that a $15 million contract can be completed on time, and his supervisor has him arrested for stealing office supplies.
The Lawnmower Channel: Monster Weeds (documentary). Tonight: The team visits a yard where wild plants have been allowed to reach eighteen inches or more in height.
Science Central: Ghost Investigators (documentary). Tonight: With no hauntings for more than a month, the crew begins to consider killing one of their interns to see if he comes back as a ghost.
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ASK. DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Why were some of the New England patriots called “Minute Men”? —Sincerely, Lexington Lou.
Dear Sir or Madam: The British army relied on tactics, organization, and equipment. The colonial rebels could not match the discipline of the Redcoats, so they resorted to tactics of surprise. Ambushes and so forth could only take them so far, but the tide began to turn in the colonials’ favor when they introduced the famous Minute Men, highly miniaturized soldiers, of whom the largest was no more than three inches tall, and the smallest truly justified the term “minute.” With these tiny soldiers, the militias on the side of the rebellion were able to surprise the British at every turn, even hiding in the British soldiers’ cartridge-boxes, leaping out of their powder-horns, and generally making such nuisances of themselves that the British came to realize they could never hold their North American empire so long as the Minute Men infested it.
After the war of the Revolution was over, most of the Minute Men were given a few square feet of land each in western Massachusetts, and they settled down and became gentlemen farmers.
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LITTLE-KNOWN FACTS ABOUT THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR.
THE SO-CALLED “Shot Heard Round the World” was in fact heard only as far as Westminster, but apparently that was sufficient.
The British army had superior weapons, tactics, numbers, supplies, and commanding officers, but the Colonials knew Jiu Jitsu.
George Washington lost every single battle of his career, but Lord Cornwallis surrendered anyway because he had an irrational fear of dentures.
John Hancock’s signature was already considerable when he signed the Declaration of Independence, and by the end of his career it occupied three separate wagons whenever he traveled.
No one was bold enough to tell George III that the American war had ended badly, and as late as 1798 he sent a royal governor to Boston, much to the amusement of the laconic New Englanders.
ANNOUNCEMENT.
THIS AFTERNOON’S MEETING of the Libertarian and Free Enterprise Society of Allegheny County has been canceled indefinitely. Our members have decided that it is against our principles to make use of publicly funded roads or rail transit lines, and, well, there you are.
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UNEXPLAINED PHENOMENA.
AN ELEVATOR IN the Benedum-Trees Building goes only up.
It has been well established by ornithologists that barn swallows do not build their own barns, but no one knows how the barns have come to be.
Every morning since November 3, 1946, guards opening up the City-County Building for the day’s business have found a single sterling-silver seafood fork on the mat just inside the left-hand door.
It was said that the late Rev. Herbert Clang of St. Ronald’s could levitate, but only in the small hours of the morning, and that he used his miraculous powers to change burnt-out light bulbs in the sanctuary.
No one knows why Madder Purple is so much angrier than the other colors in the paintbox.
A parrot raised from birth by Ms. Edwina Trundle of Troy Hill speaks only Malayalam, though Ms. Trundle herself is unacquainted with the language.
At some time on the morning of April 4, 1978, three custard-filled doughnuts left in the office refrigerator by Mr. Wendell H. Wendell disappeared without a trace. They have never been seen again.