Posts by Dr. Boli

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IN HONOR OF the third anniversary of his Celebrated Magazine on the World-Wide Web, Dr. Boli is reprinting some of the most notable articles, stories, poems, and advertisements of the past three years.

ASK DR. BOLI.

IN HONOR OF the third anniversary of his Celebrated Magazine on the World-Wide Web, Dr. Boli is reprinting some of the most notable articles, stories, poems, and advertisements of the past three years.

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Dear Dr. Boli: Why does the sun shine?—Sincerely, The Hon. Alethia Carbon-Fiber, Age 6.

Dear Miss Carbon-Fiber: The sun shines for you because your parents are fortunate enough to be able to pay your solar-energy bills. Millions are not so fortunate, especially in the developing world; thus the phrase “darkest Africa.” Remember, the next time you see the sun shining, how privileged you are, and give a little thought to those less well-off than you. You may wish to suggest to your mommy and daddy that they make a small donation to a solar-energy charity, such as—merely to name one—the Boli African Solar Fund.

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IN HONOR OF the third anniversary of his Celebrated Magazine on the World-Wide Web, Dr. Boli is reprinting some of the most notable articles, stories, poems, and advertisements of the past three years.

NERGAL-SHAREZER THE RABMAG’S ASTROLOGICAL PROGNOSTICATIONS.

IN HONOR OF the third anniversary of his Celebrated Magazine on the World-Wide Web, Dr. Boli is reprinting some of the most notable articles, stories, poems, and advertisements of the past three years.

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Leo. You will walk to the Foodland to purchase margarine. When you arrive, you will discover that butter is on sale. You will consider buying butter instead of margarine, but ultimately will decide to purchase margarine on the grounds that you need to watch your cholesterol.

Virgo. The mail will be at least seventeen and possibly as many as twenty-two minutes late today. It will contain two bills.

Libra. The woman in front of you in line at the bank will smell of mixed cheap perfume and stale cigarettes. You will sneeze.

Scorpio. There is a large wad of chewing gum on the sidewalk on Wood Street just past Weldin’s. Tomorrow you will forget this warning and step in it.

Sagittarius. A tall, dark stranger with a mysterious past will walk to the Foodland to purchase margarine. When he arrives, he will discover that butter is on sale. He will consider buying butter instead of margarine, but ultimately will decide to purchase margarine on the grounds that he needs to watch his cholesterol. None of this will affect you in any way.

Capricorn. The gas gauge reads “Empty,” but you can drive for at least sixty more miles before you really run out of gas.

Aquarius. You forgot that last night was trash night, didn’t you? Maybe if you hurry you can get a bag or two out before the truck comes.

Pisces. The ballpoint pen you find in the back of the drawer will not work, but you will put it back anyway for future generations to discover.

Aries. Your hair will not be very cooperative today.

Taurus. The milk in the back of the refrigerator is past its sell-by date, but it should still be drinkable until Friday.

Gemini. You will see the letter E more often than any other letter today.

Cancer. Once again you will fail to read Nergal-Sharezer the Rabmag’s Astrological Prognostications, missing yet another chance to prove their complete and infallible accuracy.

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IN HONOR OF the third anniversary of his Celebrated Magazine on the World-Wide Web, Dr. Boli is reprinting some of the most notable articles, stories, poems, and advertisements of the past three years.

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CANINE TELEGRAPHY TRAINING. If your dog is a good speller, then he may be qualified for a career in CANINE TELEGRAPHY. A dire shortage of qualified human telegraph operators means that a well-trained dog is almost assured of a good position. We train by positive reinforcement, so that your dog will want to increase his speed to 20 words per minute or more. Bring your dog for a free aptitude test. Canine Telegraphic Academy of North Point Breeze, North Point Breeze.

THE SINGULAR ASPECT.

IN HONOR OF the third anniversary of the migration of his celebrated Magazine to the World-Wide Web, Dr. Boli reprints the first story he ever published in electrical form.

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A MAN WALKED into Abelard’s office the other day and announced that he had a singular case. Our morning had begun with tea, as usual, but I had hardly poured the first cup when the office door opened and the man with the singular case walked in.

It is well known by now that Magnus Abelard deals only with singular cases, so everyone who walks through the door announces that he has a singular case. Nevertheless, the door is, by Abelard’s explicit command, never locked; and this case really did turn out to be singular. I have taken the trouble, therefore, to record it among Abelard’s most remarkable achievements, in the hope that the record will serve as an imperishable monument to Abelard’s genius.

We began with the usual formalities. I informed our visitor that he would have ten minutes to convince Abelard of the singularity of his case. I also explained the payment schedule in the unlikely event that Abelard did pronounce his case singular. Abelard did not speak during the proceedings; he never does speak until some singular aspect of the case has caught his attention.

“Mine is a singular case,” the visitor began as I took notes. “Indeed, it is so singular that I have not spoken with anyone about it until now. I have lived for ten years in fear for my life—a fear all the worse for being secret. I have not dared reveal it to anyone, and yet it eats at me, day after day, hour after hour, like a kind of parasitic creature that gnaws but cannot consume.”

“You have nine and a half minutes,” I reminded him.

“Ten years ago, my wife, to whom I had been married only a month, announced that she had a few purchases to make, and declared her intention to walk to the drug store on Murray Avenue. She would be gone for about an hour, she said. I bid her farewell; she walked out the door; and that, Mr. Abelard, was the last time I ever saw her.

“I shall not weary you with the details of my inquiries. Over the years, I have found opportunities to interrogate our neighbors and the clerks at the drug store. From their statements, I have discovered that my wife did indeed reach the drug store; that she left and turned right on Murray Avenue; that she was last seen walking on Phillips, the very street on which we lived, in the direction of our house. But she never arrived.”

Here the visitor stopped; and, as Abelard was still silent, I knew the narration had not interested him enough for him to take the case. It was therefore incumbent upon me to disappoint our visitor.

“Disappearances such as the one you describe,” I told him, “while exceedingly regrettable, are not extraordinarily uncommon. Perhaps the city police, or a less specialized private agency, might be able to render you some assistance.”

Our visitor sat back in his chair and sighed. “I have not yet revealed to you,” he said slowly and quietly, “the singular aspect of the case.”

Abelard leaned forward. This statement had at least caught his attention.

The visitor took a deep breath, appeared to think for a moment, and then continued, picking his words with care and deliberation.

“About an hour after my wife left, a woman entered my house by the front door. She entered boldly—as if she owned the place, you might say. Now here is the singular and remarkable thing: in every particular, this woman was the exact image of my missing wife. Even her clothes were the same as the ones my wife had been wearing when she left. She proceeded to make herself quite at home; she treated me as though she were actually my wife.”

Here the visitor leaned forward and lowered his voice about a fifth. “For ten years, Mr. Abelard, that woman has inhabited my house, living in every respect as though she were my wife. For ten long years, I have lived in fear, utterly convinced that this woman in my house is somehow deeply involved in the mystery, and afraid even to sleep at night—afraid I might fall prey to the same sinister forces that took my beloved wife from me. The fear is tearing at my soul, sir, and I have at last resolved that, whatever the cost to myself, I must unravel this mystery.”

A moment of silence followed; then Abelard spoke for the first time.

“And how exactly was it that you knew this woman was not really your wife, returned from her shopping trip?”

The visitor started forward; then he sank slowly back in his chair, staring straight ahead.

“Good lord,” he whispered hoarsely.

Abelard observed him closely.

“Good lord,” the visitor said again, somewhat louder this time. “I never thought of that.”

He sat upright in his chair with a new air of confidence. “Well, sir, you certainly have earned your reputation. I never would have imagined that a mystery of such devilish complexity could be unraveled in such a short time. I shall certainly be recommending your agency. You may expect a check from me in the morning, although you must be aware that no remuneration could ever express my profound gratitude. I bid you good day, and once again I thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

Abelard watched him walk out of the office with a jaunty confidence that had been completely foreign to him only minutes before.

For some time after, Abelard was silent, as though lost in thought. At last he turned to address me.

“Perhaps,” he said, “we ought to reconsider the idea of locking the door.”

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IN HONOR OF the forthcoming third anniversary of his Celebrated Magazine on the World-Wide Web, Dr. Boli is reprinting some of the most notable articles, stories, poems, and advertisements of the past three years.

DR. BOLI’S CELEBRATED I.Q. TEST.

IN HONOR OF the forthcoming third anniversary of his Celebrated Magazine on the World-Wide Web, Dr. Boli is reprinting some of the most notable articles, stories, poems, and advertisements of the past three years.

This simple I.Q. test is by far the most popular article Dr. Boli has ever published on the Web, a curious fact that Dr. Boli can only attribute to the strange intellectual insecurity of the average Internet user.

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DR. BOLI’S I.Q. is 462. Are you smarter than Dr.Boli? Try this simple questionnaire to measure your own I.Q.

1. What is the next number in this series?
827, 827, 827, 827, 827, ___

a. 827.
b. 12,374,349,0354,498.58.
c. DCCCXXVII, just for variety’s sake.
d. Not enough information to care.

2. Napoleon attempted to conquer Russia and failed. What should he have done instead?

a. Attempted to conquer China.
b. Taken up some harmless hobby, like building empires in a bottle.
c. Invited the Russians over for tea. Russians love tea.
d. Not enough information to care.

3. How many Frenchmen can’t be wrong?

a. 50,000,000.
b. Green.
c. The Battle of Lepanto.
d. Not enough information to care.

4. Mrs. Vihuela has two pineapples and wants to feed 11.83 friends with them. How should she divide the pineapples so that everyone gets an equal share?

a. She should dice them.
b. She should puree them.
c. She should give her friends aronia berries instead.
d. Not enough information to care.

5. Solve this traditional charade:

My first is a pill that just will not go down;
My second, the heel of a rodeo clown;
My third, an opossum who drove into town:
Together, we make Thomas Jefferson frown.

What am I?

a. A 1935 De Soto Airflow with a large dent in the left front fender.
b. The transcendental unity of apperception.
c. Three empty pie crusts in the back of the freezer.
d. Not enough information to care.

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Scoring.

Each answer is assigned to a particular letter. Assign to these letters numerical values, as follows:

a = 9
b = 17
c = 31
d = 43

Now add up the numbers corresponding to your answers. This is your I.Q., and you are not smarter than Dr. Boli.

Advertisement.

IN HONOR OF the forthcoming third anniversary of his Celebrated Magazine on the World-Wide Web, Dr. Boli is reprinting some of the most notable articles, stories, poems, and advertisements of the past three years.

CERTAIN LESS FAMILIAR RHYMES OF MOTHER GOOSE.

IN HONOR OF the forthcoming third anniversary of his Celebrated Magazine on the World-Wide Web, Dr. Boli is reprinting some of the most notable articles, stories, poems, and advertisements of the past three years.

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The Flying Pig.

Hickory dickory dare,
The pig flew into O’Hare.
The man in brown got off, but oh!
His luggage went to Mexico.

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A Song of Aspiration.

I won’t be my father’s Jack;
I won’t be my father’s Jill.
I will be an oilman’s wife
And have a full tank when I will.

Oh! One more mile,
One more mile,
See if you can push it
One more mile.

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A Most Philosophical Ditty.

I do not like thee, Thomas Hobbes.
When I read thee, my head just throbs.
And so I say, between my sobs,
I do not like thee, Thomas Hobbes.

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The Remarkably Theatrical Fowl.

Higgledy piggledy, my red hen,
She laid an egg in New Haven again.
Tsk tsk tsk and tut tut tut,
They hated her show in Connecticut.

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An Agribusiness Lullaby.

Hush-a-bye baby, on the tree top,
When did a tree ever grow such a crop?
Try rooting a cutting of it, by all means,
And send your attorney to patent the genes.

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A Woeful Riddle.

As I was going to Sewickley,
I met a man who sure looked sickly.
He had six wives around the state,
Six mortgage payments that were late;
And with each wife he had six kids.
No wonder he was on the skids!
His children threw unseemly fits;
His Frigidaire was on the fritz;
One wife ran off with a rodeo clown;
His BMW broke down.

Wives, cars, payments, kids, and fridge,
How long till he jumps off a bridge?

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Cat, Queen, and Tabloid.

“Pussy-cat, pussy-cat,
Where have you been?”
“I’ve been up to London
To look at the Queen.”
“Pussy-cat, pussy-cat,
What have you done?”
“I just took some pictures
To sell to the Sun.”