Posts by Dr. Boli
THE WONDERFULL AUTOMATON.
Continuing the narrative that began here.
Part 26.
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Letter the Thirty-Third: Miss Honoria Wells to Miss Amelia Purvis.
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My dearest Sister,——
When I spoke of walking the League remaining to Grimthorne Abbey, I spoke, so I believed, hyperbolically;—that is, in an exaggerated Fashion: For I did not suppose that Circumstance would be so unkind to a young Lady of Breeding. Circumstance, however, cares naught for Breeding; and I have indeed been compelled to walk that Distance. To such an Extremity have I been driven by Love: For my love for George is as the great Loves of History, and not your pale and wan modern Love, which scarce deserves the Name. I have stumbled over Rocks, my Stockings torn by a thousand Briers, my Ankles bloody from the Abuse, and my Skirts so much torn and muddy’d that I am certain they can never be mended. ’Tis true, I faced no Indian Tygers; but I have suffered, as much (perhaps) as any Heroine ought to suffer for Love; I have earned my Right to the Name of Heroine; I have bought it with my own Blood.
But O! with what Transports of Delight I inform you, That our beloved George is well, and moreover expresses great Surprize that we have heard nothing from him: For he wrote to us frequently and faithfully. I lay the Blame upon the miserable and mercenary Inhabitants of the Village nearby, who might well have taken his Money for posting his Letters, and then tossed them in the Mud by the Wayside. A great Loss:—For to be robbed of so many of my dearest George’s written Endearments, is like to missing as many Friends, who would have been my inseparable Companions in my lonely Hours at Home.
Grimthorne Abbey is a dark and chilly House; but the Warmth of the Welcome I received from the charming Doctor Albertus has entirely dispelled the Gloom. For I must tell you, my dearest Amelia, that Doctor Albertus has been most hospitable, tho’ the House itself offers but few Encouragements to Hospitality. The Conversation of this eminent Philosopher has a Kind of Charm that makes the Hours pass quickly, and I find myself surprised to relate that I have hardly spoke two Words to George since my Arrival. Doubtless the Morrow will furnish me with ample Opportunities to converse with my Beloved, and to probe further the strange Mystery of these missing Letters, tho’ ’tis likely that the Answer is to be sought in the Sloth and Mendacity of the Villagers.
Here I sit, therefore, in an antient Chamber not unlike that in which the illustrious Rozamunda was imprisoned, but under far happier Circumstances; and I promise to see to it that this letter is placed in the Hands of Doctor Albertus personally. For having once met the Man, and conversed with him on such exalted Matters of Philosophy as the notable Zeldina was wont to discuss with her Antonillo, I feel certain that I may trust him with my very Soul. I prepare to take my Rest with a Sense of perfect Security, and in that State I declare myself, as you shall ever find me,
Your faithful Friend and Sister,
Honoria.
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PROGRAM.
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KNOW YOUR ROAD SIGNS.
LEARNING TO RECOGNIZE road signs at a glance is an important accomplishment for any driver. In this installment of our occasional series, Dr. Boli explains a few more of the many signs commonly seen on our streets and highways.
Laughing Frog Ahead
The frog by the side of the road ahead will laugh at you if he does not approve of your vehicle. It is best to ignore his taunts and zip on past.
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You Can’t Get There from Here
It is not possible to get to where you intend to go from where you are now, so don’t even try.
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No New Paragraphs
You may not begin a new paragraph within the zone indicated by the signs.
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Humongous Spiders
You are entering an area inhabited by icky humongous spiders. Step on it and drive like blazes.
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PRACTICAL STANDARD LETTER-WRITER.
OUR YOUNG PEOPLE are writing with greater enthusiasm and frequency than ever before, largely because of the prevalence of text messaging in the youth culture of today. Yet the abysmal literary quality of these communications has often been remarked. Dr. Boli is of the opinion that this deficiency is to be attributed to the lack of good models, such as were readily available when he was a young man in the form of “standard letter-writers,” collections of letters for every common circumstance. In this occasional series, Dr. Boli attempts to fill that gap by providing useful examples to show how the art of text messaging might be raised to a higher standard.
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Letter from a Gentleman to a Lady, disclosing his passion.
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MADAM,
It cannot have escaped your notice that the considerable merits of your person and conversation have attracted my attention, and indeed on more than one occasion I have ventured to speak with you, however briefly. Having been moderately pleased by these encounters, I have resolved to declare my sentiments of affection for you, confident that in doing so I am making a rational decision that is reasonably likely to redound to the happiness of both of us.
You will doubtless be happy to know that I have done my “due diligence,” as the lawyers say, and have not entered into this enterprise lightly. When my attention was first attracted in your direction, I took some care to ascertain that you were indeed the sort of young lady to whom it would be suitable to pay such respects as I now express to you. For the preliminary survey, I was fortunate to be able to rely on the assistance of an acquaintance who is employed by the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and please let me be the first to say that I find nothing unforgivable in your negligible criminal record. Judging by the police reports, I do believe that hot-dog vendor had it coming to him.
Having made these brief investigations, I determined to find out whether you were indeed the sort of person with whom it might be tolerable to share a household. It was, of course, essential that you should not observe me as I made my own observations, so that your behavior should be as natural and unaffected as possible. For this purpose the maple trees that give your house such delightful shade in summer proved eminently suitable. After weeks of observation, I determined that you had a charming way of attacking a grapefruit, that you did not leave the sink a revolting mess after brushing your teeth, and that you cheated only moderately on your income tax. In short, my judgment was on balance favorable to you.
Trusting, therefore, that you will grant me a favorable reply at your earliest convenience, I now sign myself,
Your affectionate admirer and sincere friend,
[Name.]
FORTHCOMING WORKS BY DR. BOLI.
A Child’s Picture Book of the Sarbanes-Oxley Act. In 2002, a revolutionary piece of legislation completely changed the face of accounting in the United States. Yet, incredibly, until now there has been no comprehensive examination of the Sarbanes-Oxley Act aimed specifically at children under the age of twelve. Now, at last, Dr. Boli rectifies this glaring omission in the publishing world. A Child’s Picture Book of the Sarbanes-Oxley Act is aimed at children who have exhausted the resources of the more general accounting picture-books and wish to have specific information about Sarbanes-Oxley in a visual form. Enchanting illustrations bring auditor independence, corporate responsibility, and enhanced financial disclosures to vivid life. The Public Company Accounting Oversight Board is represented as a friendly cartoon squirrel. 8vo, 352 pp.
NOW AT YOUR NEWSSTAND.
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