Posts by Dr. Boli
DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
Texas Edition.
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Alamo. Sam Houston could never remember the name “Alamo,” consistently pronouncing it “Amalo.”
Houston Statue. The statue of Sam Houston in Huntsville, Texas, is the tallest statue of Sam Houston in the world.
Gold. In Texas, gold is commonly known as “yellow oil.”
San Antonio. Recent explorers have reported that the legendary city of San Antonio consists of an airport, a hotel, and a string of strip malls connecting them.
Stars. The stars in Texas skies are so big that only one of them will fit on a flag.
Texas. Texas is larger than any other state that is not Texas.
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TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND.
TONIGHT AT EIGHT.
Dumont Network: Giggles and Sins (crime drama). The new Dumont drama that pairs a by-the-book cop with an architectural-historian clown. Tonight: On the trail of a serial killer, Shackle wants to use DNA evidence and fingerprints from the crime scenes, but Bozar is convinced that the clue lies in an egg-and-dart molding on the fifteenth floor of the Oliver Building.
The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: Rev. Bob-Bob shows you how locusts and wild honey can be made into an appetizing smoothie.
Northern Broadcasting System: Quirkville, PA (comedy-drama). The quirky new comedy-drama about a quirky small town and the quirky people who live there. Tonight: “It Snowed.” When a blizzard cuts off cable-television reception, residents begin to find each other’s formerly endearing quirks increasingly annoying.
Metromedia: Al ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: When persistent courtiers in Persia won’t take no as an answer, Al and Hephaestion dress as women to escape them—and find themselves next in line for the virgin sacrifices!
Golf Network: The Golf Show (golf). Tonight: Behind the scenes at the Golf Capades, a popular golf-on-ice show now touring the Middle Atlantic states.
Baldwin Borough Community TV: Baldwin Borough Council Meeting (public affairs). Tonight: Allegations, recriminations, obfuscations, and animadversions.
Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: When Leslie falls on the ice and breaks her arm, she is amused to discover that her job as part-time receptionist at the urgent-care clinic doesn’t come with health benefits.
The Lawnmower Channel: The Snow Show (yardwork). Tonight: We test eight snowblowers in real-life battle conditions to see which ones will bury your neighbor’s sidewalk before he buries yours.
Science Central: Ghost Investigators (documentary). Tonight: Nerves are frayed and relationships strained on the team when Bob is flabbergasted to discover that the other team members actually believe in ghosts.
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LETTER TO THE EDITOR.
Sir: I do not normally write letters to the editor, having restricted myself to no more than three such missives per week on the orders of my cardiologist, but I feel I must pick up my pen to protest against your publication’s unseemly and exceedingly unpatriotic endorsement of apple pie.
The apple is a fruit with distinctly satanic connotations, but that is far from the worst of its associations. The fact, which may be unknown to you but which could have been checked with a simple search on Wikipedia, where I contributed the latest revision of the article on the apple, is that the apple is not an American fruit at all. It is a foreign tree, an illegal immigrant that has taken up residence in our country for the obvious purpose of terrorizing our groves and forests and benefiting unfairly from our grossly overgenerous social-welfare system.
Nor will the problem be solved if, as I can almost hear your stunted little liberal mind suggesting, we merely substitute a native fruit, such as pawpaws, for the apples in our pies. Pie itself is a nefarious foreign intrusion, a subtle and devilish plot to sap our native resolve by foisting an unnatural feeling of contentment on the American populace. You would have known these things had you been responsible enough to give even a cursory skimming to my self-published book, Overcoming the Pie Menace Through Abstinence and Virtue.
America will not be truly free, truly strong, or truly safe, until we banish dastardly foreigners and their repugnant customs from our shores.
Sincerely,
Corneliu Ionescu,
Spring Garden
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ANNOUNCEMENT.
IT HAS ALWAYS been Dr. Boli’s delight to encourage worthy artistic endeavors, and most especially in the field of music, for which he admits a particular fondness. When a friend of his offered to share some recordings from quite a long time ago, Dr. Boli at once saw the opportunity to give encouragement to old friends like Mr. Victor Herbert, as well as some of these promising young people with their delightful “jazz” music, which so perfectly expresses the spirit of this mechanical age.
Thus today we launch the latest entry in Dr. Boli’s publishing empire, The Lateral Cut, named of course for the process by which sound is etched in a disc for permanent preservation. Beginning with a very modest collection, this new site will gradually build up a library of music rescued from the undeserved oblivion of the decades, much of it recorded by a purely mechanical process whose ingenuity still astonishes Dr. Boli even all these years after his friend Mr. Edison first demonstrated it to him. Think of it as your virtual gramophone on the World-Wide Web.
A VALENTINE.
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