Posts by Dr. Boli

ANNOUNCEMENT.

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COUNTY POLICE HAVE asked us to inform the public that the Great Blando has been found safe in the library of Woodville State Hospital. He had apparently fallen asleep among the Chatham Collection of Minor Nineteenth-Century British Poets, a 927-volume set that occupies a wing of its own in the hospital library seldom visited either by patrons or by librarians. Librarians were alerted to his presence by loud snoring. Police would like to take this opportunity to thank the many people who called to report having seen the Great Blando in schools, in shopping malls, on streetcars, under their beds, &c., but are forced to conclude that it must have been that guy who looks just like him.

ANNOUNCEMENT.

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COUNTY POLICE HAVE asked us to inform the public that the Great Blando appears to have escaped from Woodville State Hospital, having not been seen there since his foam-bat therapy session late this morning. He is to be regarded as dangerous, and may be armed with a copy of William Allingham’s collected poems. Persons with delicate taste in literature are advised to stay indoors until the situation is brought under control. Anyone having knowledge of the Great Blando’s whereabouts is asked to call Woodville State Hospital immediately, as Mr. Blando is already late for his Rogerian therapy session, leaving Dr. Wolfspitz with absolutely nothing to say.

USEFUL ENGLISH PHRASES FOR VISITORS FROM FOREIGN LANDS.

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No.3.—At the Poet Laureate’s.

Good morning
Good afternoon.
Good evening.

Have you any fresh sonnets today?

Our sonnets are always fresh on Wednesdays.
We have no fresh sonnets, but we have some pickled in vinegar.
The federal government has forced us to stop dealing in sonnets by means of its petty and over-scrupulous regulations.

I should like to see your selection of odes.
For what occasions are these odes suitable?

These odes are suitable for coronations, inaugurations, and installations.
These odes are suitable for birthdays, bar mitzvahs, and weddings.
These odes are suitable for grocery-shopping, lawn-mowing, and visiting the dentist.

Can the odes be customized?
In what colors are the odes available?

These odes are available in standard colors only.
These odes are available in standard colors, but may be ordered in custom colors for an additional fee.
These odes have a blank space for the insertion of a trochaic disyllabic name, such as “Bonnie.”

I should like to commission an epic on the subject of my career in the gravel industry.
What are your rates for epics in English heroic verse?
In blank verse?
In dactylic hexameter?
In free verse?

For epics we charge by the pound,
by the kilogram,
by the liquid pint.
Today only, if you purchase an epic in English heroic verse, you may receive two free epics in blank verse.

If I order an epic in English heroic verse, how will I be able to distinguish it from a satire in the same meter?

You may distinguish our epics from our satires by observing that our satires are not funny.
You may distinguish our epics from our satires by means of this electronic literary multimeter, sold separately.
It is not possible to distinguish our epics from our satires.

How soon will my epic be available for pickup?

Your epic will be available for pickup tomorrow,
next Monday,
in six months.
Your epic will be left unfinished at our death eleven years from now.

Thank you, and please do not fail to telephone me when my epic is completed.

See you later,
Alligator.

ASK DR. BOLI.

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Dear Dr. Boli: Every year, as the cold weather approaches, I begin to see advertisements on cardboard signs along the roadside for “seasoned cordwood.” What is “seasoned cordwood”? Wherewith is it seasoned? Why “cord”? Do you have to plug it in? —Sincerely, Tillandsia Withers, General Sec’y of the Mid-Atlantic Society for the Preservation of the Word “Wherewith.”

Dear Madam: Seasoned cordwood is a traditional Christmas delicacy in certain parts of western Pennsylvania and the adjacent areas of Maryland, West Virginia, and Ohio. In the days of the pioneers, nothing was suffered to go to waste. At that time cords of all sorts were made from the bark of certain aromatic trees, such as cherry. The wood itself, useless for cords, might be made into rustic furniture; but pioneers could only use so much furniture, and after cramming their cabins with the stuff began to seek other uses for the sweet-smelling wood. At that time allspice, which as you know contains some of every known spice, was the favored spice among the pioneers, individual spices being far too precious to cart across the Alleghenies. The addition of this spice and a number of readily available native herbs turned the wood into a flavorful though somewhat splintery “chaw,” much prized at a time when chewing gum was not yet even a gleam in the eye of Mr. Wrigley. Although today the popularity of seasoned cordwood has waned, enough of the old-timers have retained their taste for the stuff that seasoning cordwood is still a cottage industry. Oddly enough, the bark, once the most valuable part of the wood, is now discarded, synthetic cords having entirely supplanted the bark cords of the pioneers.