Posts by Dr. Boli

From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.

Posted by Dr. Boli on May 16, 2025. 9 comments.

New York.—Scientists have recently focused on certain minerals in the otherwise excellent New York water supply as the possible cause of a congenital speech defect that renders native New Yorkers unable to pronounce the name “Carnegie.”

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Posted by Dr. Boli on May 15, 2025. 2 comments.

I will lie to you. You want to know what the future holds. Every human being has that natural desire. But you certainly don’t want to know the truth about the future. Astrology, the most ancient science of history, has the answers to all your questions about things to come, and they are guaranteed to have no basis in reality.
Send your birth date, along with $1237 in cash or negotiable bonds to cover the nominal cost of this notice, and I will send you a free reading that shows how you were born under a lucky star and are destined never to fall victim to scams.

IN RELIGIOUS NEWS.

Posted by Dr. Boli on May 14, 2025. No comments.

The Rev. Bob-Bob Lee, whose direct hotline to the Holy Spirit was knocked out by the recent storms, has asked patients in local hospices to serve as couriers. He has a number of demands to which the Spirit has been unable to respond owing to the breakdown in communications. If you are scheduled to meet your Maker in a few days or weeks, would you kindly consider taking a message from the Rev. Bob-Bob with you? He will be sure to add your family’s welfare to his list of demands.

From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.

Posted by Dr. Boli on May 13, 2025. 3 comments.

Festoon.—According to board-certified etymologists, the word “festoon” is actually an onomatopoeia in imitation of the sound of someone speaking the word “festoon.”

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Posted by Dr. Boli on May 12, 2025. One comment.

Did you ever dream of being a great canal builder—just like good ol’ whatsisname? You, too, could be a great canal engineer, just like that guy with the German name that everybody knows, and it’s just at the tip of our tongue, so we couldn’t find a picture to put in that oval, who built the Panama Canal. All you need is a good start. And that’s what we can give you. The Mon Valley Excavating Company, Inc., always needs men and women with drive and ambition to dig ditches. A canal is, after all, in conception nothing more than a big ditch. Even the great engineers had to start somewhere. Why not schedule your own interview today? Bring your own shovel.

From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.

Posted by Dr. Boli on May 11, 2025. 2 comments.

Xanadu.—In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree, as S. T. Coleridge chronicled for us in his famous poem. Unfortunately, the poet was interrupted by a person on business from Porlock before he could work the names of the architect and contractor into his verse, and by the time he got back to his desk he had forgotten them.

THE ANSWER.

Posted by Dr. Boli on May 10, 2025. No comments.

The answer to yesterday’s Puzzle Time feature:

Map of the roads at the north end of the Birmingham Bridge.

Brady Street (marked in yellow on this map) connects Forbes Avenue to Second Avenue, unless it is closed for maintenance of the various layers of viaduct above it, in which case it is preferable to have been born on the other side of the Parkway.

Both “Mrs. Bat” and “Heavy Equipment Heloise” proposed the Brady Street solution, though Heloise dismissed it in favor of more technical approaches to the problem.

Mrs. Bat proposed her answer in the form of a question: “Any problem with taking Brady Street?” This is a question to be posed to the Department of Public Works before attempting to navigate Brady Street. There may be several different answers for any given day, depending on time and bureaucratic mood.

PUZZLE TIME.

Posted by Dr. Boli on May 9, 2025. 6 comments.

On this map of part of the Soho section of Pittsburgh, find your way from Forbes Avenue to Second Avenue.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR.

Posted by Dr. Boli on May 8, 2025. One comment.

Sir: Everywhere I go, people are telling me to be worried about security. Microsoft says bad actors can send harmful spreadsheet files as email attachments. My bank tells me that bad actors may try to trick me into giving them my banking information. Google wants me to enable two-factor authentication so that bad actors can’t break into my account.

So my question is this: Why is everybody so worried about Nicholas Cage all of a sudden? He doesn’t scare me. —Sincerely, Hugh Grant.

DAILY CONCLAVE ANNOUNCEMENTS.

Posted by Dr. Boli on May 7, 2025. One comment.

Proper attire is requested at the All Cardinals Cocktail Hour and Mixer this evening. If you have not brought proper attire with you, red T-shirts will be available at the entrance to the Pius IX Memorial Cocktail Lounge.

Cardinals are reminded that cell phones are not permitted within the conclave bounds and must be left with the Pontifical Curator of Electronics. A copy of the Catholic Encyclopedia is available in the break room to settle arguments about historical trivia. The Angry Birds station we set up for the 2013 conclave is still available next to the coffee maker, and we have been informed that there are no lines this time around.

The kitchen staff have asked us to inform cardinals that the chicken à la King served for today’s lunch was the best that could possibly be made under the circumstances. If you did not like it, you are welcome to come into the kitchen and make your own chicken à la King.

Today’s papal ballot is sponsored by the Mackey Print Paper Company, manufacturers of fine papers for more than a century and a half. When you need paper that combusts evenly with a thick, visible smoke, you need Mackey Print Paper. Ask about our scented collection.

In football news, or “soccer” for our American brethren, the Byzantine Bulls tied with the Maronite Marvels today, with four cardinals suffering minor shin injuries on each side.