Posts filed under “Books & Literature”
ANNOUNCEMENT.
COUNTY POLICE HAVE asked us to inform the public that the Great Blando appears to have escaped from Woodville State Hospital, having not been seen there since his foam-bat therapy session late this morning. He is to be regarded as dangerous, and may be armed with a copy of William Allingham’s collected poems. Persons with delicate taste in literature are advised to stay indoors until the situation is brought under control. Anyone having knowledge of the Great Blando’s whereabouts is asked to call Woodville State Hospital immediately, as Mr. Blando is already late for his Rogerian therapy session, leaving Dr. Wolfspitz with absolutely nothing to say.
USEFUL ENGLISH PHRASES FOR VISITORS FROM FOREIGN LANDS.
No.3.—At the Poet Laureate’s.
Good morning
Good afternoon.
Good evening.
Have you any fresh sonnets today?
Our sonnets are always fresh on Wednesdays.
We have no fresh sonnets, but we have some pickled in vinegar.
The federal government has forced us to stop dealing in sonnets by means of its petty and over-scrupulous regulations.
I should like to see your selection of odes.
For what occasions are these odes suitable?
These odes are suitable for coronations, inaugurations, and installations.
These odes are suitable for birthdays, bar mitzvahs, and weddings.
These odes are suitable for grocery-shopping, lawn-mowing, and visiting the dentist.
Can the odes be customized?
In what colors are the odes available?
These odes are available in standard colors only.
These odes are available in standard colors, but may be ordered in custom colors for an additional fee.
These odes have a blank space for the insertion of a trochaic disyllabic name, such as “Bonnie.”
I should like to commission an epic on the subject of my career in the gravel industry.
What are your rates for epics in English heroic verse?
In blank verse?
In dactylic hexameter?
In free verse?
For epics we charge by the pound,
by the kilogram,
by the liquid pint.
Today only, if you purchase an epic in English heroic verse, you may receive two free epics in blank verse.
If I order an epic in English heroic verse, how will I be able to distinguish it from a satire in the same meter?
You may distinguish our epics from our satires by observing that our satires are not funny.
You may distinguish our epics from our satires by means of this electronic literary multimeter, sold separately.
It is not possible to distinguish our epics from our satires.
How soon will my epic be available for pickup?
Your epic will be available for pickup tomorrow,
next Monday,
in six months.
Your epic will be left unfinished at our death eleven years from now.
Thank you, and please do not fail to telephone me when my epic is completed.
See you later,
Alligator.
NOW IN PRESS.
THE LATEST IN the historical detective series that has taken the world of botany by storm:
“We are proud to recommend Dr. Torrey’s newest book to all readers looking for a mystery story without the cheap sensationalism that usually plagues the genre.”
——Methodist Inquisitor.
“The character of Chenopodium glaucum is vividly drawn and remarkably true to life.”
——Hillsborough Whig.
“We regret to inform you that your manuscript does not meet our current needs.”
——Doubleday.
NOW AT YOUR MUSIC DEALER.
ANOTHER ASSORTMENT OF “BUMPER STICKERS.”
THE CONTINUED DEMAND for this exceedingly specialized form of literature still surprises Dr. Boli, but he is nothing if not obliging. Click on the image for a copy in PDF format, which may be enlarged arbitrarily without loss of resolution.
Click on the image for a copy in PDF format.
NOW IN PRESS.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: What is the meaning of life? —Sincerely, His Holiness the Mahalama of Lamarama, age 8.
Dear Sir: Dr. Johnson, on whom Dr. Boli relies in all such matters, defines “life” as “union and co-operation of soul with body; vitality; animation.” He also gives many derivative meanings for the word, which you would do well to peruse. Indeed, Dr. Boli recommends the study of Johnson’s dictionary to all who are curious about the meanings of words. A well-made dictionary is a companion for life, and Dr. Boli has never found in Johnson’s any cause for disappointment.
It has always been Dr. Boli’s opinion that it is a mistake to go beyond Johnson in looking for the meaning of a word. But he is aware that you, like many other correspondents who have posed the same question, may be asking a deeper and more philosophical question. You may, in fact, be inquiring as to your purpose in life: that is, the task or destiny which will give your life its aim or goal.
Dr. Boli will therefore attempt to give a universal answer to this question, which apparently plagues too many idle youngsters in our modern culture. Your purpose in life, and the purpose of every other living being, is to amuse Dr. Boli. And Dr. Boli would like to add, speaking personally not only to you but also to the rest of the created universe, that you are all doing a fine job of it.
THE WONDERFULL AVENTURE OF SYR GAWAYNE IN THE CASTELL OF MAYDEN CLERKES,
Which Is a Tale Sette Downe for One of the Trewest and Mervayllest Aventures That Ever Bifel Syr Gawayne.
[In honor of the forthcoming second anniversary of Dr. Boli on the World-Wide Web, Dr. Boli will be reprinting a number of his own favorite articles from the past two years.]
AND AFTER RYDING above thre Englysshe legues syr Gawayne cam uppon a fayre castell. And over the castell gate was wryten in letters of gold,
WORDPRESS TAG: POETRY
And in front of the castell on a roche there sate a mayden, weping ful sore for pyté. And syr Gawayne unmounted hym and asked the mayden, “Wherefor makyst thou soche dole?”
And the mayden answered him, “Trewely I am wepyng for the custome of this castell, for whan that I sawe thee, a knight valyaunt and ful of vertu, approche unto thys curssed castell, hyt nyghe brast myn herte for pyté.”
“Tell me,” quod syr Gawayne, “what ys the custome of this castell?”
“Trewely,” quod the mayden, “ill chance hath brought thee here. For thys ys the Castell of Mayden Clerkes, and hyt ys the custome of this castell that no knyght may passe but that the Mayden Clerkes assaulten hym with dogerel. And many knyghtes have com hereby, but none be yet on lyve.”
“That ys an yvell custome,” seyde syr Gawayne.
“Wherefor I dyd make soche dole whan that I sawe thee. For hyt is seyde that none bot the moste valyaunt of King Arthurs knyghtes schal conquer thys castell. And truely the knyght that enchevyth this aventure schall have moche erthely worschipp. And lo, the Mayden Clerkes approche even now, wherefor I byd the mak haste to arme the.”
And syr Gawayne loked and biheld sevvyn maydens armed like unto knyghts. And eche helde a scroll on whych wer wryt straunge letters, and at once they biganne to rede from the scrolls. And syr Gawayne helde hys shelde tofore hym, but the maydens dyd shoot jagged half-rimes that brast hys shelde asonder.
And whan syr Gawayne was sore bysette, and wot not how he myght defend hymselffe, bihold there appered unto hym Merlion, who gav hym a boke and bade hym rede therfrom. “And loke you rede loude and eke streng,” quod Merlion, “for your lyf dipendyth uppon hyt.”
So syr Gawayne opyned the boke, and lo, in it wer wryten the workes of the Englysshe poets of most renome and worschippe. And syr Gawayne bigan to rede dan Chaucer his poemys in a voys ful resonaunt. And straightaway the maydens dyd dropp hir scrolls, and thei did cover hir eares with hir hondes. And at the fift stanza of Troylus and Criseyde, the maydens all fel doun dede, and the castell vanysshed al sodeynly, for the inchauntements of the place were al to-brokyn.
And on the roche wher the mayden had sate Merlion lette wryt in gold letters,
HERE SYR GAWAYNE DYD CONQUER THE CASTELL OF MAYDEN CLERKES BY POUER AND VERTU OF TREWE POETRIE.
And the peple of the lands about the castell mad grete chere of syr Gawayne, and he dyd abyde with hem fyve dayes with grete honneur.
FORTHCOMING WORKS BY DR. BOLI.
Musical Chairs: Techniques, Strategies, and Variations. Learn from the masters of the game! In this exhaustive work, Dr. Boli explores the history of this popular sport, its lore and traditions, and the state of the sport today. The heart of the work, however, is practical advice compiled from the observations of seasoned players, many of whom have never before told their musical-chairs secrets to the general public. Discover the eight surefire ways to anticipate the end of the music; the four essential psychological weapons that will assure your victory, and the seven notes of the diatonic scale—essential knowledge that will give you an edge over your opponents. Musical Chairs will be an Olympic event in 2012, so the time has never been better for a study of this oft-neglected sport. 8vo, 436 pp.
DR. BOLI’S LIBRARY OF LOST BOOKS.
No. 9.—Pasquino of Rome: Seven Books of Useful Improvements.
WE KNOW OF Pasquino’s work from the transcripts of his trial, in which a number of the “improvements” he published were described in some detail. It is often said that Pasquino was an inventor far ahead of his time, and indeed the list of his inventions justifies that popular opinion of him. A few of his more notable ideas are given here in summary form, as we have taken them from the trial reports:
A kind of drinking vessel made of paper, which may be used once and then discarded.
A method of bending a certain length of wire in a prescribed pattern, so that it may be made to hold a small number of sheets of paper or parchment together with perfect security until such time as it becomes necessary to separate them.
A kind of food which may be chewed indefinitely without swallowing, and which also provides indescribable delight by producing a kind of bladder or bubble when inflated with the mouth.
A device for measuring the time during which a carriage is left at a particular location, said device also exacting a set fee for every quarter-hour during which the carriage is left there.
A kind of chitarra or vihuela which, by the application of the remarkable properties of certain electrical substances, may be increased in volume of sound so much that an entire neighborhood may be entertained with its playing.
A paper container or package for private letters, which may conveniently be sealed by an adhesive applied in advance to the package, and moistened with the tongue when it is required to seal the letter.
A type of handkerchief made of very thin and fine paper, which may be used once and discarded, and which may be stored in large quantities in paperboard boxes designed for the purpose, in such a way that, when one handkerchief is plucked out, another handkerchief presents itself as ready for the plucking.
Having heard detailed testimony on many of Pasquino’s “improvements,” and having seen a number of demonstrations, the court of the Inquisition agreed that they were indeed works of the devil, powered by a supernatural alliance with demons. All copies of the book were burned, and Pasquino himself, as his agreed-upon penance, spent the rest of his life writing commentaries on the extensive works of St. Stolidus, and indeed died at his desk many years later, having completed more than six thousand pages of commentary. This latter manuscript is preserved in the Vatican library, but the card in the front cover reveals that no one has ever checked it out.