Is you friz?
Are I froze?
Yes, we is,
I suppose.
A WINTER LAMENT.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Your new investment expert.
Dear Dr. Boli: I just got a letter from Investomat, a company that describes itself as “a registered investment adviser and on-line technology provider.” Investomat claims to work with my broker to provide me with investment advisory services, which is news to me, because I thought my broker came up with his advice by getting roaring drunk and throwing darts at a list of companies on the wall of his office. They say they’re sending me this letter to provide a summary of material changes to their company, and my first problem was that I couldn’t figure out what material they were talking about. But that’s not the main thing. The main thing is that I had trouble understanding this sentence: “Investomat, Inc., the parent company of Investomat, was acquired by affiliates of vehicles managed or advised by Trade-O-Rama Capital Private Equity, LP,” and a date and some other stuff, but when I got to the “vehicles” part my brain stopped processing, and I was wondering whether you think I should bail out of the stock market altogether. What does it mean? —Sincerely, Trust-Fund Tillie, the Belle of Blawnox.
Dear Madam: It means that your investments are now managed by an assortment of people associated with a 1983 Ford Escort, so you have nothing to worry about. The Escort has about as good a record as anyone else at predicting the fluctuations of the stock market, and it has the advantage of being more economical to operate than other antique vehicles.
INDEX VERBORUM PROHIBITORUM.
Today we find it necessary to prohibit the word share.
Now, we hasten to explain, before widespread panic erupts, that we do not propose to ban it in all senses. There are still many meanings for which share is appropriate, and indeed the best possible word. “Remember, boys, we have only one shoe, so you two are going to have to share”: this is a good and proper use of the term, and no simpler word could be found to occupy the same place.
What we propose to ban is the use of the word share to mean say. Here is a writer for a technical blog about WordPress, the software that runs half the Internet, reporting information received from one of the people working on the project:
David Perez also shared that the Plugin Check plugin significantly reduced the time for reviews, bringing the average wait time down from 37 weeks to 9 weeks, even as plugin submissions have almost doubled.
David Perez said that. “Said” is the only word you need to describe what he did.
Why do we object to this use of share? It seems to be everywhere, after all, so perhaps it is just becoming part of the English language. Most people under a certain age will say “he shared that…” instead of “he told me that…” or “he said that…,” and language does change, after all.
But there are two problems with this use of the word. The first, which is probably the more important of the two, is that it grates on Dr. Boli’s ears like fingernails on a blackboard, or even like Dan Schutte songs. But the other problem with using “shared” for “said,” aside from making you sound like a squishy pop psychologist, is that it creates an unconscious suggestion of reliability. “Said” simply tells us that someone made this statement, and we are permitted to judge its reliability as we would any statement from that source. “Shared” implies that this is a fact, and the person who stated it is allowing us to partake in the knowledge. It cannot be judged. Someone took the trouble to share this valuable information with us. Isn’t that nice? You would be an awful person if you doubted this statement.
In fact, psychologists use the word for exactly that reason. If they have a group of shy and vulnerable people in therapy, they will ask if one of them has something to share. This implies that it is safe to say anything in this environment: no one will call you a liar or a weirdo. Share implies that the statement cannot be doubted. In this limited way, perhaps, it has a use. Dr. Boli objects when it spills out of its connotation of cozy positivity and tries to take over the duties of the usefully neutral “say.”
When we are writing a news article and reporting the speech or email statement or microblog wittering of someone in a position of influence, we do not mean to say that the person making the statement is a good and worthy person. What we mean is just that the person made the statement. It is news; it can be judged.
The difference is subtle, perhaps, but it is also important. Try using the word shared for a statement from a source you don’t trust. “Chairman Mao shared that imperialists and all reactionaries are bean-curd tigers.” “Chancellor Hitler shared that Jews and Gypsies are vermin and must be eliminated from the Reich.” Shared carries a load of connotation with it; it is not a drop-in replacement for said.
Dr. Boli knows that there are English teachers who teach their pupils that they should not say “said” every time they report someone’s speech—that they should vary their vocabulary and use “stated” or “declared” or “enunciated” or “shared.” Those English teachers ought to be punished, and the universe has arranged that they will be punished by having to read the essays their pupils write. To use the same word for the same meaning is a sound principle in writing; ransacking Roget’s is the sign of a poor thinker as well as a poor writer.
Therefore, by the power vested in him by his own overweening arrogance, Dr. Boli decrees that, henceforth, the use of the word share to mean say is not permitted.
ASK A MICROSOFT-CERTIFIED WINDOWS TECHNICIAN.
Q. How can I make the taskbar smaller so it doesn’t take up so much room on the screen? I used to be able to do that, but now I can’t find the setting.
A. You can’t. We took that option away.
Q. How can I pin a file to the taskbar, like I used to be able to do?
A. You can’t. We took that option away.
Q. How can I make the clock in the taskbar display the seconds?
A. You can’t. We took that option away.
Q. How can I make searches from the taskbar open in my default browser instead of in Edge?
A. You can’t. We took that option away.
Q. Well, guess what, Microsoft! I found a neat little utility that restores all those capabilities. Now I can do all the things I want to do with my own computer.
A. Thank you for informing us! We just updated your operating system. Now you can’t, and the programmer who created the utility has died in a mysterious accident.
YOUR NEW-YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS,
By Nergal-Sharezer the Rabmag.
Capricorn. You resolve to eat only steel cans this year. Aluminum disagrees with you.
Aquarius. You know that bottled water you keep buying? It’s not monitored by the government, and it all comes out of a rusty spigot in Jacksonville, North Carolina. You resolve to drink nothing but Pittsburgh city water from now on.
Pisces. You resolve to eat more chicken. Other people ought to be eating more fish, but for you that would sort of qualify as cannibalism.
Aries. You resolve to wear more tweed. Tweed is always in good taste, and it wears well.
Taurus. The stars are particularly keen on having you resolve to avoid china shops.
Gemini. The stars think you ought to get out more. They suggest square dancing. You meet all kinds of people when you go square dancing.
Cancer. You resolve to follow your mother’s advice about not saying anything if you can’t say something nice. Crabbiness is funny in comic-strip characters. You just annoy people.
Virgo. You resolve to eat more vegetables, and you resolve to remember that Theobroma cacao is a member of the vegetable kingdom.
Libra. The stars say it’s a cliché to resolve to lose weight for the new year. Instead, you resolve to patronize that nice Uzbek restaurant that just opened two blocks away.
Scorpio. According to Wikipedia, your colors are red, maroon, black, and brown. The stars think you should resolve to put together a more cheerful wardrobe.
Sagittarius. You resolve to support Nergal-Sharezer the Rabmag on Patreon. Somebody has to do it, and the other eleven have been slacking off.
THE YEAR 2024 IN REVIEW.
“
In January, we printed some emojis for Stoics, and the Stoics in the audience showed their appreciation by not changing their indifferent expressions.
We spent the entire month of February celebrating both International Typewriter Appreciation Month and International Anything-but-Haiku Month, so you may pick your favorite from twenty-eight non-haikus. Dr. Boli was especially happy with “The Siren” and “The Proud Philosopher.” But it would not be fair to our readers if he did not point out that his poetry provoked some protest.
In March, we dispelled an Internet myth about Wiliam Torrey Harris. Nevertheless, the Internet continues to repeat the myth, almost as though not everyone in the world monitors this Magazine for important corrections of Internet misconceptions. We also sorted out the various types of professors.
In April, we explained the different forms of government. We also published a vaudeville patter meant to challenge the bourgeois notion of “funny.”
In May, we explained how hybrid cars work. For our younger readers, we had an exceptionally exciting episode of Space Chicken.
In June, we published every speech you have ever heard, so that you have no need to listen to speeches by club presidents, managers, motivational speakers, and the like in the future. We also caught a suspicious character in the act of posting a bill.
July brought us a meditation on trends in art, provoked by a Bouguereau painting. We also gave some very bad advice to children about dealing with our tiger friends.
In August, we learned the truth about ancient grains, and we heard the first of Mrs. Cheswick’s Educational Stories for Children, though unfortunately not the last.
In September, Sir Montague Blastoff made first contact with a strange extraterrestrial race, which went about as well as you might expect. We also worked ourselves into a furious lather about the International Phonetic Alphabet.
In October, we learned how to stay secure on line. For the benefit of smart people, we also explained stupid people.
In November, we heard the touching and instructive ballad of “The Sponge.” We also printed a list of filmstrips that should prove useful to teachers looking for ways to calm hyperactive children, and perhaps even render them comatose.
In December, we learned the truth about madeleines. We also solved a longstanding literary mystery. And on December 31, we looked back over a year of dubious accomplishments and thought we really ought to do better next year.
COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
