DO NOT IMMERSE product in water.

Do not hit self on head repeatedly with product.

Do not set product on fire indoors.

Do not feed product to wolves.

Do not stand directly under product if product is falling from a great height.

Do not board rear car of a Red Line train during rush hour if you intend to get off at Fallowfield. This has nothing to do with product, but will save you a great deal of trouble.

Do not expose product to light of waning gibbous moon. Please. For your family’s sake.

Do not eat product without Dijon mustard.

GUARANTEE: If you are killed or maimed by product within thirty days of purchase, return unused portion with store receipt for pro-rated refund.


  1. profmondo says:

    Dear Sir:

    My daughter wishes to order this fine product. Please give me an untraceable e-mail address so that I may send you my credit card and banking information, including PIN numbers and times when we are most vulnerable.

    Thank you.

  2. Jared says:

    What has become of good old fashioned common sense if manufacturers are now forced to slap a warning label on their product advising customers not to expose the product to the light of a waning gibbous moon? I know they have to limit their liability, because some moron out there is going to use the product near the end of the synodic cycle and then claim that he had no idea that this sort of thing could happen, and some sleazy lawyer is going to get twelve idiot jurors to award the so-called victim millions of dollars for lacking even a smidgen of common sense. But still!

    What is meant, though, by the warning against hitting one’s self on the head with the product repeatedly, though? Is that actually a bad idea?

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