Posts by Dr. Boli

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Justify your existence. Millionaire patron is willing to pay living wage to any subject who can justify his or her existence in a 500-word essay. Said millionaire being of the opinion that the human race is a complete washout, the essay will have to be more convincing than the 1,723 such essays he has received so far. Successful applicant will appeal to patron’s better nature, thus proving to patron that he has one, which he doubts. Send essay with $1,000 application fee to Cynical Millionaire care of this Magazine.

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.

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On this day in 1777, the city of Lancaster in Pennsylvania became the capital of the United States. On the next day, it ceased to be the capital of the United States. Thus catastrophe was narrowly averted. Nevertheless, a provision that no city shall be forced to remain capital of the United States for more than twenty-four hours was struck out of the draft of the United States Constitution in committee.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR.

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Sir:

Do you know what the problem with the world today is? The problem with the world today is injustice. And do you know what the cause of the injustice that is the problem with the world today is? The cause of the injustice that is the problem with the world today is alphabetical order.

Why must the underprivileged majority groan under the domination of a privileged class of Abingdons and Aaronsons? Why does a mere accident of birth entitle the alphabetical nobility to first place in every line? It is merely because the powerful, the A’s and B’s of the world, have conspired to maintain the fiction that there is an order to the alphabet.

Think about it for a moment. Think longer than that if you like. What is there in nature that causes Q to come after P? Nothing whatsoever! It is a mere fiction, forced upon us by the elite to grind us under their boots. In the state of nature, no letter comes before another, and as we all know the state of nature is the only state of perfect justice.

The day of reckoning has come. The oppressed have risen against their oppressors. We demand justice, and nothing will bring justice but complete alphabetic randomization. The fiction that there is an order to the letters of the alphabet can no longer be maintained. Justice is what we demand, and justice is what we shall have.

The Alphabetic Reform Society
Johannes Zortman, president
Rebecca Zymurge, vice-president
Timaeus Zuckerkandl, secretary

IN LEGAL NEWS.

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A lawsuit was filed against architect Gustav Bigglesworth Dinwiddie by the Brenneman Food Service & Industrial Solvents Co., Inc., of Braddock Heights. The plaintiff stated that Dinwiddie was hired to design and supervise the construction of a 25,000-square-foot addition to the company’s headquarters building, but that instead of constructing an addition he hired a demolition company to knock down the original building. Defendant Dinwiddie responded that his Web site clearly states that he is an architect of the Deconstructivist school, and what did they expect?

COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD.

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The Blandville Area Concerned Citizens are sponsoring another “Redd Up Blandville” day this week. Come out and help us pick up the litter from last week’s “Redd Up Blandville” day.

St. Britney worship site of St. Brielle Parish is not having a bingo game tonight. We have decided that gambling is a sin. The confessionals are open for all inveterate gamblers, and to encourage sincere purpose of amendment, one randomly selected penitent will win the entire contents of the poor box.

Pittsburgh Regional Transit reminds Red Line riders that trolley drivers are sensitive souls, and mocking our new logo makes them sad.

The Groove Moove Medical Marijuana Dispensary on Bland Street is introducing a comprehensive selection of packaged snack cakes to better serve the medical needs of its patients.

City police remind residents that tap-dancing lessons are now mandatory for all citizens between the ages of 10 and 65. In this time of crisis, we must all do our part to fight the spotted-lanternfly menace.

MAKING LIFE BETTER FOR OUR ROBOT FRIENDS.

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You may have noticed that artificial intelligence has reached its tentacles into the robot-scam-call business. We use the term “intelligence” rather loosely, of course. Still, there are robot callers designed to fool the unwary into thinking that they are speaking to a human being. And since the calls are being recorded, there is some chance that someone will listen to the recordings, possibly for technical reasons or possibly out of sheer boredom.

Now, you could complain about the constant interruptions, or you could decide that this is your chance to make the world a more entertaining place. If you are being recorded, after all, why should your conversation with the robot be dull and predictable? Dr. Boli has written out a few very short playlets for the dramatically inclined. He hopes his readers will take inspiration from them and compose their own dramas for the appreciative robot audience. Together we can turn our minor annoyances into performance art.

You. Hello.

Robot. This is Anna from the Senior Advisors. How are you doing today?

You. Thanks for calling, Anna. I need advice, but I’m only a sophomore.

(Long pause.)

Robot. Hello.

Robot. Hello?

You. Gheshz.

Robot. Hello?

You. Xhbasfuyr.

Robot. Can you hear me now?

Robot. Hello.

You. Hello.

Robot. This is Stacy from Senior Advisors. How are you today?

You. I have seen too deeply into the blank chaos of eternity to relish the temporary pleasures of mundane existence.

Robot. Great! The reason for the call is…

Robot. Hello.

You. Thank heaven you called! Listen, be careful what you say. I think we’re being recorded.

Robot. This is Elsie from Smart Alarms. How are you doing today?

You. I think it would be better if we spoke in code. Arches fall when Wendover smiles on the turkey.

Robot. Are you the homeowner?

Robot. Hello?

You. This is Emma from Senior Advisors. How are you today?

Robot. Can you hear me now?

LETTER TO THE EDITOR.

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Sir:

It has come to our attention that you have installed a browser extension that interferes with our ability to show you helpful news feeds and browsing suggestions on your new-tab page. This is not technically against our terms of service for the Chrome and Edge browsers, but it is very disappointing. We have put a great deal of effort and no small amount of money into curating those suggestions just for you, and it seems ungrateful of you not even to look at them.

We have also been informed that you have turned off notifications from several of our business partners. This is frankly unwise. How will you know when amazing money-saving offers become available? How will you be properly enraged if you do not even see the inflammatory news stories we have picked out for you? You are not only depriving yourself of useful information: you are also evading your responsibilities as an informed citizen.

One more thing we have noticed is that you turned off our access to your location. We have turned it back on. This is just a friendly reminder that we know where you are and how long it would take our helpful representative Bruno to get there. Please take that into account when you are making future decisions about your computer habits.

With love,
Your Friends at Microsoft and Google