Posts by Dr. Boli

THIS WAS ACTUALLY RECEIVED FROM OUR BANKER.

An email ending: “This email was sent because either it is an automatic security/service alert or you requested the alerts. If this alert was not addressed to you, you have no legal right to read it.”

There are still readers who believe that Dr. Boli simply makes things up. Those readers are either too cynical or not nearly cynical enough.

DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION,

Annual Christmas Number.

Jolly Old St. Nick.

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Chimneys.—Many chimneys fail to meet the more stringent OSHA standards for jolly old workplace safety that came into effect in September of 2021. If you did not receive any gifts this year, you may wish to have your chimney professionally evaluated.

Christmas goose.—In some European countries, the Christmas goose is still a strong tradition. In Belgium, for example, the Christmas goose brings good families a turkey with all the trimmings.

Little Drummer Boy.—In the first draft of this famous carol, the little boy brought a euphonium that went ba rum bum bum-bum.

Reindeer.—Traditionally, if a reindeer sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of Gene Autry (with 30% chance of Burl Ives).

St. Nick.—In many countries of Europe, it is a Christmas Eve tradition for children to reenact the slapping of Arius by St. Nicholas at the Council of Nicaea. The child who has been naughtiest during the previous year is assigned the role of Arius.

WORK IN PROGRESS.

Mr. James Joyce famously spent many years composing his Finnegans Wake, during which time he occasionally released passages of it to the world under the title Work in Progress. This was apparently enough to justify his existence during that time. Dr. Boli has decided to imitate that example. Once in a while, extracts from a novel in progress will appear here. For this first short extract, Dr. Boli had intended to write a brief introduction explaining the idea of the story, the characters involved, the style of narration, the important ideas addressed; but then, instead, he decided not to, so you get the very short extract entirely without context. Furthermore, it may be years before the work is finished. Is this not a pointless endeavor? It therefore fits perfectly with the mission of this Magazine, which is to provide a small dose of pointless irrelevance with every new article.


Unicorns

“Unicorns are rather naughty and require a firm hand to prevent mischief. They are forever poking their horns into things with no other motive (to all appearances, at least) than to see what will happen. A single unicorn may be discouraged by loud noises or quick movements, but unicorns gathered in groups (for they do not exhibit any principle of organization, and therefore forfeit the name of herds) may be destructive and require the prompt attention of a determined virgin. It is best not to allow the beasts to gather in the first place; and if a collection of unicorns must be maintained, each animal is to have his own individual stall with room for at least limited frolicking.”

So we find in De Unicornu, lib. IX, cap. VII; but only in the posthumous edition, which was in press when Schenckelius departed this world. I have found a proof sheet among Schenckelius' papers, in which the word virginis is struck out, and the word feminae written (in the hand of the author) in the margin; but the sheets were never returned to the printer, and the error remains uncorrected in that edition.

INGREDIENTS GUESSING GAME.

Ingredients: Sorbitol, silica, water (aqua), PEG-32, sodium lauryl sulfate, flavor, xanthan gum, tetrasodium pyrophosphate, benzyl alcohol, charcoal powder, sodium saccharin, sodium benzoate, trisodium phosphate, tetrapotassium pyrophosphate.

Now the guessing game: Guess how this product is described on the front label.

The answer:

(more…)

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.

On this day in 1860, South Carolina seceded from the Union. Thus began a series of secessions that soon led to the American Civil War—secessions that, according to more modern Confederate apologists, had nothing whatsoever to do with slavery. To give those apologists some ammunition, let us quote from the Declaration of the Immediate Causes by which South Carolina justified her secession.

We affirm that these ends for which this Government was instituted have been defeated, and the Government itself has been made destructive of them by the action of the non-slaveholding States. Those States have assumed the right of deciding upon the propriety of our domestic institutions; and have denied the rights of property established in fifteen of the States and recognized by the Constitution; they have denounced as sinful the institution of Slavery; they have permitted the open establishment among them of societies, whose avowed object is to disturb the peace and to eloign the property of the citizens of other States. They have encouraged and assisted thousands of our slaves to leave their homes; and those who remain, have been incited by emissaries, books and pictures to servile insurrection.

For twenty-five years this agitation has been steadily increasing, until it has now secured to its aid the power of the Common Government. Observing the forms of the Constitution, a sectional party has found within that article establishing the Executive Department, the means of subverting the Constitution itself. A geographical line has been drawn across the Union, and all the States north of that line have united in the election of a man to the high office of President of the United States whose opinions and purposes are hostile to slavery. He is to be entrusted with the administration of the Common Government, because he has declared that that "Government cannot endure permanently half slave, half free," and that the public mind must rest in the belief that Slavery is in the course of ultimate extinction.

​This sectional combination for the subversion of the Constitution, has been aided in some of the States by elevating to citizenship, persons, who, by the Supreme Law of the land, are incapable of becoming citizens; and their votes have been used to inaugurate a new policy, hostile to the South, and destructive of its peace and safety.

On the 4th March next, this party will take possession of the Government. It has announced, that the South shall be excluded from the common Territory; that the Judicial Tribunals shall be made sectional, and that a war must be waged against slavery until it shall cease throughout the United States.

The Guaranties of the Constitution will then no longer exist; the equal rights of the States will be lost. The slaveholding States will no longer have the power of self-government, or self-protection, and the Federal Government will have become their enemy.

Sectional interest and animosity will deepen the irritation, and all hope of remedy is rendered vain, by the fact that public opinion at the North has invested a great political error with the sanctions of a more erroneous religious belief.

Well, it may be true, then, that the secession had something to do with slavery. In fact, if there are any remaining Confederate apologists who still insist that the secession had nothing to do with slavery, let them peruse the whole document at their leisure. Dr. Boli assigns them this task: let them find a single reason for secession expressed in that document that is not related to slavery. Dr. Boli will wait right here.

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Write for a complete CATALOGUE of the remarkable collection of OLD MASTER FACTORY SECONDS AND REJECTS to be sold by Messrs. J.-P. De Range & Co. Among the most notable pictures:

Master of the Monessen Magdalen: St. George and the Newt. But for the proportions, this is a very stirring depiction of the legend of St. George in the manner of Bellini on a bit of a bender.

Henri Le Jaune: Nativity. Charming rendition in which the figures are suffused in a holy light that seems to radiate from a camel standing slightly to the left of the Christ child.

Bartolomeo d’Abruzzi, known as “Il Disorientato”: Conquest of Mexico by Julius Caesar. Fairly large historical canvas (6 ft. 3 in. high, 48 ft. wide) depicts Caesar’s victorious army pursuing the retreating forces of Montezuma.

Girolamo Girolameo: Portrait of a Young Man with a Book in His Hand and an Apple in His Other Hand and His Other Hand Holding the Reins of His Horse. Girolamo was much praised in his time for his use of burnt sienna, of which he obtained an inexhaustible supply after the sack of Sienna in 1494.

Ruprecht Teufelshosen: The Flight of the Holy Family into Egypt on a DC-3. The metallic surface is rendered with great accuracy, making this one of Teufelshosen’s more successful pictures.

GOOGLE KNOWS ALL…

…and can answer your natural-language questions! For example, yesterday’s Google Doodle celebrated Émilie du Châtelet, the renowned French thinker who translated Newton and made her own contributions to physical science. Do you have questions about her discoveries in the field of physics? Google can answer them!