Posts by Dr. Boli
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION,
Third Series.
Scarab.—The ancient Egyptians believed that the sun was a ball of flaming dung rolled across the sky by a celestial dung beetle. Naturally they worshiped this incandescent manure as their chief god. As the world’s first coprotheologians, the Egyptians are therefore regarded as the founders of earthly civilization, or “the wisedome of this world” as 1 Corinthians 3:19 calls it.
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION,
Third Series.

Eye.—In the 1960s, the CIA ran a series of experiments proving that the human eye is capable of seeing many things that the human brain is not capable of acknowledging. Further experiments with drugs that forced the brain to acknowledge what the eye saw had to be abandoned because, according to documents released under the Freedom of Information Act, the results were, like, way out, man.
OF THE CRAFT OF POINTING.
The original, which is printed without a date or printer’s mark, is written with what strikes a modern reader as eccentric spelling. Dibdin or Herbert or Ames remarks on it: “I suspect that this little volume was printed abroad; there being so foreign an air throughout the whole orthography.” Now, Dr. Boli was a callow youth of less than 30 when this volume of the Dibdin edition was printed in 1812, but even then he could have set Mr. Dibdin right on that score. The dialect is clearly Northern; the marks are obvious—“tway” for “two,” plurals made with “-is” or “-ys” rather than “-s” or “-es,” “theton” and “thetother” for “the one” and “the other.”
For your edification, and your use when interpreting older printed books, Dr. Boli has transcribed the passage in mostly modern spelling, but leaving the punctuation exactly as it was in the original. Note the most important differences from modern punctuation:
1. The virgule or slash is used for a comma.
2. The colon is called “comma” (or “come” in the original).
3. There is no semicolon.
The passage may be found in the original spelling (but with commas instead of virgules) in the second volume of Typographical Antiquities.
Of the craft of pointing.
There be five manner points/ and divisions most used with cunning men: the which/ if they be well used/ make the sentence very light/ and easy to understand both to the reader/ and the hearer/ and they be these: virgule/ comma/ parenthesis/ plain point/ and interrogative.
A virgule is a slender strike: leaning forward thiswise/ betokening a little/ short rest without any perfectness yet of sentence: as between the five points afore rehearsed.
A comma is with tway tittles thiswise: betokening a longer rest: and the sentence yet either is unperfect/ or else/ if it be perfect: there cometh more after/ longing to it: the which more commonly cannot be perfect by itself without at least somewhat of it: that goeth afore.
A parenthesis is with tway crooked virgules: as an old moon/ and a new belly to belly: the which be set the one afore the beginning/ and the other after the later end of a clause: coming within another clause: that may be perfect: though the clause/ so coming between: were away and therefore it is sounded commonly a note lower/ than the outer clause. If the sentence cannot be perfect without the inner clause/ then instead of the first crooked virgule a straight virgule will do very well: and instead of the latter must needs be a comma.
A plain point is with one tittle thiswise. And it cometh after the end of all the whole sentence betokening a long rest.
An interrogative is with tway tittles: the upper rising thiswise? And it cometh after the end of a whole reason: wherein there is some question axed/ the which end of the reason/ trying as it were for an answer: riseth upward.
We have made these rules in English: because they be as profitable/ and necessary to be kept in every mother tongue/ as in Latin. Since we (as we would to God: every preacher would do) have kept our rules both in our English/ and Latin: what need we/ since our own be sufficient enough: to put any other examples.
NOW IN PRESS.
Me, Him, and Me, by Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle. A searing tale of a tragic love triangle with only two characters, one of whom is a narcissist.
“Printed and bound to Vanderblock-Wheedle’s usual standards.” —North American Printer’s and Bookbinder’s Weekly Companion.
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION,
Third Series.
Claudius, trying to remember how many palmi majores are in a gradus. (Answer: three and a third.) Time-travel retrosketch by our staff artist.
Claudius. Having already decreed that Latin should be written with the words separated, the reforming emperor Claudius turned his attention to a new decimal system of measurement. Shortly before he introduced it, he died of suspected poisoning.
Advertisement.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.

START PAGE.
The start page is one of the most obvious places where they can do that. When you open a new tab, most browsers have a default start page, and what is on that page may depend on where the money is to be made. Google Chrome, of course, will give you a search box for Google. Microsoft Edge will try to plaster your start page with news feeds and other things Microsoft is sure you are interested in; you can pare down those extraneous details in the settings, but you can never get rid of the centrally located search box for Bing, the Edsel of search engines.
Dr. Boli, who is older than many people, remembers primitive days when it was possible to set the new-tab page to utter restful blankness, but that does not seem to be possible anymore. Fortunately Firefox will allow you to replace your new-tab page with any arbitrary page on the Web, and for Chromium-based browsers like Chrome and Edge there are extensions that will accomplish the same thing. But what page will it be? Most of the pages on the Web are also filled with distracting things you want to avoid.
As a public service, therefore, Dr. Boli has provided a start page for your new tabs, a page that does absolutely nothing. It is possible that the picture will change once every few weeks (it is also possible that it will not), but there will be nothing to interact with, nothing to distract you from the business at hand. You can find it here:
Boli’s Patent Start Page
Set your new-tab redirect to that address, and get back to getting work done when you open a new tab.
DR. BOLI’S PRESS-CLIPPING BUREAU.
THE POSTAPOCALYPTICON.
Announcer. Tonight the Yohogania Electric Light Company, powering your overindulgent existence, presents a world-premiere dramatic event: the first episode of The Postapocalypticon!
[Music: Dramatic theme, in and under for…]
Announcer. Yes, it’s the much-anticipated post-apocalyptic drama that follows the fortunes of Irv and Ike, proprietors of Irv ’n’ Ike’s Truck Stop ’n’ Souvenir-O-Rama, as they navigate the post-apocalyptic hellscape that their world has become after an apocalyptic event. Tonight’s action-packed world-premiere first episode begins the story right at the beginning.
[Sound: Long, drawn-out apocalyptic blast.]
Irv. Welp, guess that’s about it for civilization.
Ike. Yup.
[Pause.]
Irv. You know what I ain’t gonna miss? Texts. People textin’ me all day and night, makin’ my phone go bing cause they don’t know how to keep their textin’ fingers to theirselves. That’s what I ain’t gonna miss.
[Pause.]
Ike. An’ phone scammers.
Irv. Yeah, like that girl that keeps callin’ and wantin’ me to re-up the extended warranty on my 1978 Volare. Ain’t gonna miss her a-tall.
Ike. “Sealed for your protection.”
Irv. What’s that, Ike?
Ike. I ain’t gonna miss them pill bottles where they have a plastic thing on the outside that says “Sealed for your protection,” an’ it takes like fifteen minutes to get through the dang thing, an’ then you get the cap off an’ there’s another seal on the inside that says “Sealed again cause we just hate you.” Ain’t gonna miss them one little bit.
Irv. Oh, yeah, ain’t gonna miss those. An’ airports.
Ike. What about airports?
Irv. Just airports. Ain’t gonna miss ’em. Ain’t gonna miss Twitter, neither.
Ike. Yeah, like no more havin’ to reduce your most exalted thoughts to the dimensions of a bumper sticker. Didn’t like Twitter, not a bit.
Irv. Facebook, too. Don’t care if I never see another breakup play out on social media for the rest of my natural life.
Ike. An’ printer cartridges. I mean, you print twelve pages in nothin’ but black, an’ then the printer won’t print cause it’s out of magenta. What is up with that?
Irv Auto-Tune. Ain’t gonna miss it. I mean, not every song has to sound like Jimmy Durante, am I right?
[Pause.]
Ike. Ain’t gonna miss Schedule C.
Irv. Oh, yeah, I mean if we’d thought about how it would get rid of tax forms, we mighta pulled the plug on civilization a whole lot sooner.
[Pause.]
Ike. Think there’ll be zombies?
Irv. Prolly just the crawly kind. Don’t have to shift much to get away from them.
[Pause.]
Irv. Well, guess we better start learnin’ to do stuff the old-fashioned way. Pull down one o’ them souvenir country-kitchen recipe books an’ see if there’s a good recipe for Twinkies.
[Music: Dramatic theme, in and under for…]
Announcer. Will Irv and Ike be able to reproduce the authentic spongy texture of a Twinkie with only the materials available to them after an apocalyptic event? Tune in for next week’s action-packed episode of The Postapocalypticon! Till then, friends, remember to enjoy civilization while it lasts. Your Yohogania Electric Light Company burns trainloads of fossil fuels every day to keep the juice flowing in your home. Recent studies show that, at current rates of greenhouse-gas emission, our own tri-state area will become a post-apocalyptic hellscape within a few decades. That’s why you should enjoy your electric power now, while you still have time. Leave your lights blazing and your air conditioner humming, and make your world a cheerier place for however many years you have left.
[Music: In full, then out.]


