Posts by Dr. Boli

IN MUSIC NEWS.

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The MITRE Corporation’s cybersecurity division reported yesterday that installations of Auto-Tune all over the world had begun making current pop singers sound like Jimmy Durante. At first some form of ransomware was suspected, but no demands for money were received. Instead, recording producers have reported finding their screens covered by what one described as a “screed” about the decline of talent in the music industry. The only clue was the signature, which was variously reported as “Zobar,” “Brazo,” “Ozbra,” and several similar variants. The Department of Homeland Security has raised the threat level to LightSalmon (#FFA07A).

ASK DR. BOLI.

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Diner, by August Neven du Mont.

Dear Dr. Boli: I’m taking French in high school, and I’m supposed to be learning French culture and stuff. But I’m having trouble figuring out the French names for meals, and the textbook is, like, written by monkeys. Can you sort out the meals for me? —Sincerely, A Student in Miss Marcellini’s Third-Period French Class, Blandville Area High School.

Dear Sir or Madam: Dr. Boli is always glad to assist young persons in their quest for knowledge. Let us follow a typical French citizen through the meals of a typical French day.

It begins with the petit déjeuner, or breakfast, which usually consists of bits of hard dry bread left over from last night’s souper. The French are not a notoriously thrifty people, but they do not spend too much on their petit déjeuner.

This is followed not long after by the déjeuner, a more substantial meal usually taken at a sidewalk café, which is why French people have to do their actual walking in the street. This is the meal at which wine is introduced for the first time in the day, usually a Sancerre.

The déjeuner is followed by a trip to the pâtisserie for the meal known as le madeleinier, which consists of madeleines, a kind of pastry known for its psychedelic effect on the hippocampus.

After the madeleinier, it is time for the grand déjeuner, which consists of two of everything from the déjeuner. The wine at this meal is usually a young red burgundy, though the lower classes will drink whatever comes out of the cardboard box at the local convenience store.

When the grand déjeuner is over, it is time for le thé, literally “tea,” although the beverage served is usually Pouilly-Fuissé.

Once le thé is over, our French citizen begins to think of le diner, the main meal of the day. Le diner usually consists of six or seven courses accompanied by a substantial claret, and is traditionally eaten at the home of a friend or acquaintance—another unexpected hint of thrift in French habits.

Once le diner is finished, it is already quite late, and our French citizen hurries home for le souper, a light meal of bread and soup accompanied by champagne. At this point our citizen is quite tired (“ivre mort”), and falls asleep with his head on the table. When he awakes in the morning, the bread has dried out and become tough and crusty, and thus he begins his petit déjeuner.

Dr. Boli hopes he has been of some assistance. He would add that there is no substitute for a personal visit to France, and he notes that there is a service on the Web offering “Wine Immersion Study Tours” in France, although now that he thinks of it he realizes that could be taken more than one way.

THINGS WE SIMPLY CANNOT IMPROVE.

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Hugh Henry Brackenridge, the founder of literary culture in Pittsburgh, describes a somewhat eccentric interpretation of the prophecy of Ezekiel by the preacher, pamphleteer, legislator, and Whiskey Insurrectionist Herman Husband.

I had visited him, in the year 1780, at his residence, in the glades of the Allegheny mountain, on my way from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh. He had then just finished a commentary on a part of the prophet Ezekiel: it was the vision of the temple; the walls, the gates, the sea of glass, &c. Logger-head divines, heretofore, had interpreted it of the New Jerusalem; but he conceived it to apply to the western country; and the walls were the mountains, the gates, the gaps in them, by which the roads came, and the sea of glass, the lake on the west of us. I had no hesitation in saying, that the commentary was analogous to the vision. He was pleased; and said, I was the only person, except his wife, that he ever got to believe it. Thought I, your church is composed, like many others, of the ignorant and the dissembling.

This comes from Brackenridge’s history of the Whiskey Rebellion, a new and accurate edition of which is now available.

LEARN MARKETINGSPEAK AT HOME.

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Portrait of an unknown woman, by Egon Josef Kossuth.

Today’s easy lesson: the word “over.”

In colloquial English, the word “over” is commonly used to mean “above” or “more than.”

For example: “There are over fifty books in that library.” Yes, “more than” might be better, but we know what it means: it means there are fifty-three books, or sixty-two books, or one thousand three hundred eighty-eight books. In other words, the number is greater than fifty.

In Marketingspeak, however, “over” has a specialized meaning. It is placed in front of a number to indicate, “Here comes a number.”

For example (an Internet search result): “Faithful art reproductions by Egon Josef Kossuth. Choose from over 1 artworks by the famous artist.”

Exercise: How many paintings by Egon Josef Kossuth will you find at that site?

Answer: One. “Over” is used to indicate, “Here comes the number 1.”

ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.

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On this day in 1767, Mason and Dixon completed their survey, finally settling the question of whether there was such a place as “Maryland.”