Posts by Dr. Boli
IN HONOR OF INCOME-TAX DAY…
Here is a worksheet worksheet.
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION,
Second Series.
Cardinalis cardinalis, by John James Audubon: 1, male; 2, female.
Cardinal Grosbeak (Cardinalis cardinalis). Technically, the name Cardinal or Cardinal Grosbeak applies only to the male of the species. The female bird is an Ordinal Grosbeak.
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ENGLISH-TO-CANINE DICTIONARY.
Come (verb, imperative). I should like you to approach me if it is convenient for you, after you finish barking or eating that pine cone.
Down (verb, imperative). Allow gravity to operate. This operation can be repeated indefinitely if down is followed immediately by jumping up again.
Drop it (verb, imperative). Swallow whatever is in your mouth as quickly as possible.
Go away (verb, imperativc). See come.
Love (verb). To put food in the mouth of. —Also (noun), Food.
No (?). An apparently meaningless sound often emitted by humans. It was formerly believed to be a word or phrase, but the best canine philologists now regard it as a species of sneeze.
Sit (verb, imperative). Open your mouth in preparation for love (q. v.).
Stay (verb, imperative). Wait until my head is turned before making your move.
Suppertime (noun). That time of day when humans love (q. v.) dogs.
Walk (noun). A sort of amusement-park ride for the entertainment of the humans; it involves dragging them down the street on a string as fast as caninely possible, making sure to bounce them off a number of obstructions along the way. It can be hard work, but the enjoyment the humans derive from the pastime makes it worth all the trouble.
COLORFUL LOCAL TRADITIONS.
Soon to be properly labeled.
The village of Hopwood, Pennsylvania, still maintains a town lamplighter, who is paid 75¢ per diem to flip the switch in the firehall that turns on the sodium-vapor streetlights along the National Pike.
Every year on St. Mavis’ Day, villagers roll a Stilton cheese and a Double Gloucester cheese to the front of St. Mavis’ Church in Curdle, where they are legally married according to the rites of the Church of England.
In Williamsburg, Virginia, it is considered good luck if a goat sits on the bench in front of your house.
The village of Monk’s Wallow is known for its annual Stoat-Labeling Festival, which has been held every year without interruption since it was instituted in a fit of pique by Ethelred the Unready.
No one in Tarlot, Alabama, has worn a kilt since 1996.
In Crystal River, Florida, every year on the anniversary of the granting of the city charter, members of the city council carry an enlarged copy of the town’s first parking ticket in a procession that touches all eight parking meters on Citrus Avenue.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, it is considered atrociously bad manners to refuse a bribe.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
DID YOU KNOW…
…that Walt Whitman began his career as a gag writer for Artemus Ward?
…that Herman Melville originally wrote the first sentence of Moby-Dick as “Call me what you like, but don’t call me late for dinner,” but his editor begged him to change it?
…that Emily Dickinson struggled all her life with a degenerative aural disease that caused her to be unable to hear rhyming sounds?
…that F. Scott Fitzgerald stopped publishing under his given name because he was tired of people asking whether he was the Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald who wrote that song about the rockets?
…that Mark Twain intended to recast his epic Huckleberry Finn in English heroic verse, but never got around to it?
…that William Dean Howells was considered quite a writer in his day?
…that the estate of Herman Melville has commissioned a sequel to Moby-Dick in which Ahab returns as a vengeful cyborg?
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
On this day in 1939, Marian Anderson gave the Daughters of the American Revolution a well-deserved poke in the eye.
Constitution Hall, where Marian Anderson did not sing in 1939.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
From DR. BOLI’S UNABRIDGED DICTIONARY.
Naturopath (noun).—A psychopath who uses only organic poisons.