Posts by Dr. Boli
TONIGHT AT EIGHT.
Dumont Network: Harsh Words (crime drama). The hit Dumont drama that pairs a by-the-book cop with a cold but beautiful forensic etymologist. Tonight: A shopkeeper in Dr. Skeat’s block is found murdered after egregiously misusing the apostrophe, and Dr. Skeat herself is detained as a suspect.
The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: Why Jesus hates capital-gains taxes.
Northern Broadcasting System: Giggles and Sins (crime drama). The hit drama that pairs a by-the-book cop with an architectural-historian clown. Tonight: When a notorious pigeon-hater is killed by the falling head of a telamon on the Park Building, Bozar suspects fowl play.
Metromedia: Al ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: The boys’ wives keep pestering them, so Al and Hephaestion decide to teach them a good lesson by letting them run the empire for a while.
Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: Brice doesn’t realize the call-center computer has dialed his cell-phone number and sells himself an extended warranty on his 1993 Plymouth Sundance.
The Okapi Channel: Okapi News and Information (public affairs). Programming of interest to okapis.
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MEMENTO MORI.
Next week we celebrate Halloween, which now occupies the place in our children’s hearts that used to be occupied by the dated and all-but-forgotten holiday called Christmas. If you have not yet thought of a way to scare the pants off the sweet little urchins, you might consider taking some inspiration from New England cemeteries.
There are more delightful gravestone ornaments at The Mirrour of the World, or Thymage of the Same.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
On this day in 1844, it was discovered that the world seemed to be pretty much as it had been the day before, in spite of the intervening apocalypse. Several theories were produced to account for this disconcerting observation:
1. That the apocalypse had not happened yet, but was about to happen any day now.
2. That the apocalypse had indeed happened, but it had happened somewhere else, such as heaven or Fort Wayne.
3. That the apocalypse had happened on schedule, but only those who had reached a certain level of spiritual refinement could discern the difference.
Each of these theories gave birth to multiple sects, all of which still hate each other to this day.
Also on this day, in 1861, Abraham Lincoln suspended the writ of habeas corpus; but it is expected to be reinstated any day now, as soon as the current emergency is over.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
On this day in 1844, the world came to an end. (The apocalypse had previously been postponed from 1843.) That most of its residents did not perceive the change can be ascribed only to the fundamental dullness of the average intellect.
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FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: I play circadian rhythm guitar in the psychobilly fusion rock band, “BiPolar Express.” We tour nearly constantly and our gigs typically last well into the wee hours of the morning. As a result I suffer from a high degree of sleep deprivation. I try to sleep on the tour bus, but it’s not a wise idea to close your eyes when you share a bus with a lead singer named Brain Scissors! I, therefore, am plagued with chronic insomnia. So naturally, I have a lot of time to think. And this leads me to my question for you. If time should suddenly stand still, would I only be able to think in past and present tenses? —Signed, M.T. Syringe.
Dear Sir or Madam: If time should suddenly stand still, would you be able to think at all? That is the question we must answer first. How would you form an orderly chain of reasoning when one thought cannot follow another in time? Dr. Boli cannot come up with any way to do it.
Nor can Dr. Boli think of any reason why time should not suddenly stand still. Why should time move forward at a constant rate forever? It is true that it has done so recently, but all we can say about that is that we have been lucky so far. We have no right to assume that it will go on that way forever. We must assume that time could stop, or go backwards, or skip a groove, without the least warning.
Thus the question of what would happen to our thoughts if time should suddenly stand still becomes a matter of immediate concern to every thinking individual. Dr. Boli is of the opinion that we would be stuck in whatever thought we were thinking when the flow of time was interrupted. Thus it is vitally important to regulate our thoughts at all times.
Suppose, for example, that you were thinking about cummerbunds, and what a funny word “cummerbunds” is. Cummerbunds cummerbunds cummerbunds cummerbunds cummerbunds. Would you want to be stuck thinking about cummerbunds when time stopped, and never think about anything but cummerbunds again? Yet Dr. Boli happens to know that you are thinking about cummerbunds right now. Stop it!
PLEASE BE PATIENT.
Please be patient while we restart the machinery of government. We were able to keep the circuses going all through the shutdown, but it may take some time for the bread to come back on line.
THE STICKING POINTS.
What are the sticking points that have kept us from a budget agreement for so long?
1. Republicans wanted to destroy Obamacare and make sure only the rich could afford health services; Democrats wanted to use the government to make sure no one ever gets sick again.
2. Democrats saw that Republicans’ poll numbers were plummeting, which gave them a strong motive to keep the crisis going; Republicans had a strong motive to keep the crisis going until the Democrats’ poll numbers plummeted as well.
4. Democrats wanted to cut defense spending; Republicans believe that cutting defense spending is the sin against the Holy Spirit mentioned in Mark 3:29.
5. Democrats wanted to raise the debt ceiling with Gothic vaulting; Republicans wanted to patch it over with acoustical tile.
6. Republicans wanted pizza; Democrats wanted Chinese takeout.
7. The Green Party refused to compromise its principles, whatever they are.