Posts by Dr. Boli
THE TIGER IN GRANDMOTHER’S PARLOR.
When Millie went to visit Grandmother Twiddleby the other day, she found a tiger sitting on the couch in the parlor.
“There’s a tiger on your couch,” Millie remarked after she had given Grandmother Twiddleby her usual greeting.
“That’s Montgomery,” said Grandmother Twiddleby. “He likes it there. I don’t mind him getting up on the furniture as long as he doesn’t make a mess.”
“But where did you get a tiger?” Millie asked. “And why?”
“Oh, he just showed up last Saturday. He looked so hungry that I just couldn’t turn him away. And he’s very useful around the house. He helps out with dusting the bric-a-brac.”
“But doesn’t it take a lot to feed a tiger?” Millie asked, while she watched the tiger licking his paws.
“I just feed him a few slices of salami, and a bit of tuna, and some nice cheese, and your Uncle Bartram, and some dry cat food for snacks.”
“Uncle Bartram?” Millie asked.
“I beg your pardon?”
“Did you say he ate Uncle Bartram?”
“I don’t think so,” Grandmother Twiddleby replied. “You must have misheard me.” But there was something about the way she said it that made Millie suspicious.
“Grandmother,” she said gravely, “has that tiger been taking advantage of your generosity?”
“Well…”
“You know what we’ve told you about letting people take advantage of you.”
“Really, I don’t mind,” Grandmother Twiddleby said, glancing at the tiger.
Millie had heard quite enough. She turned to the tiger with her sternest face on, and told him, “You should be ashamed of yourself, Montgomery, taking advantage of a poor little old lady like that.”
The tiger looked away, but Millie would have none of that.
“You look at me when I’m talking to you,” she told him sharply, and the tiger turned back with his head lowered in shame.
“Now, I want you to let Uncle Bartram out this instant,” Millie said.
So the tiger opened his mouth, and out came Uncle Bartram, and Mrs. McWhirter from down the street, and the postman, and the mayor, and the woman who came to read the gas meter, and a well-known conservationist who had been missing for some time, and the Harrisons’ dog, and a cashier from the IGA store, and two sixth-graders from Mother of Sorrows Elementary School, and a 1996 Plymouth Neon, and Vice-President Biden, and the plumber, and a streetcar motorman, and Wole Soyinka, and the Modernaires, and the paperboy, and King Harald V of Norway, and the girl who was selling band candy, and Manfred Honeck, and Governor Corbett, and the 82nd Airborne Division, and a can of tuna.
“That’s better,” Millie said. “And I don’t want to hear anything more about you taking advantage of my grandmother’s hospitality, or we won’t let you stay here anymore.”
So Grandmother Twiddleby thanked Millie very much, and Millie left for the day, and Montgomery went back to licking his paws. Since then Grandmother Twiddleby and her tiger have been very happy together. Now Montgomery is a reformed character who eats nothing but door-to-door alarm salesmen, and he is very popular around the neighborhood.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: I was thinking I might like to learn Dutch, but I’ve never learned a foreign language before. Do you have any advice that will make things easier for me? —Sincerely, Hendrik M. Bilderdijk, Ph.D., Professor of Indo-European Languages, Duck Hollow University.
Dear Sir: You have made an excellent choice. Dutch is a good first foreign language to tackle, because it is simply English very badly spelled. You will have little trouble if you remember to spell words the way they sound rather than the way English spelling rules dictate that they ought to be spelled. Once you have mastered Dutch, you can go on to German, which is English spelled even worse, and the Scandinavian languages, which are English spelled really atrociously.
If for some reason Dutch is too intimidating at the beginning, you might start with West Frisian, which is a fever dream of English in an alternate universe where the Norman Conquest never happened.
RECALL NOTICE.
If you purchased a Giant Inflatable Good Friday Yard Crucifix from Wenslowe’s Holiday Yard Ornament Emporium, please return it at once to the dealer. The Consumer Product Safety Commission has determined that the Wenslowe Giant Inflatable Good Friday Yard Crucifix is egregiously tasteless and contributes to the degradation of aesthetic standards in neighborhoods where it is installed. Each Giant Inflatable Good Friday Yard Crucifix will be replaced with a Wenslowe “Strange Fruit” brand Deciduous-Tree Easter Bunny Hanging Set at no additional cost to the consumer.
IN THE NEWS.
Miss Diana Smoulder, the ravishing heartthrob of the hurdy-gurdy, has canceled her upcoming engagements for the next two weeks, after several members of the audience at her performance for the South Side Synesthesia Society came down with food poisoning. In a statement to the press, Miss Smoulder expressed her condolences to the audience members and her best wishes for a speedy recovery, but noted that her choice of musical numbers had met all county health-department guidelines. A spokesman for the SSSS said that this was the worst outbreak of food poisoning at the Society since the Glass Box Mimes troupe performance in 1996.
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LOST AND FOUND.
In sweeping up after the recent conclave, the Pontifical Department of Sanitation has come across a number of items that appear to have been left behind inadvertently. They may be claimed at the Pontifical Department of Lost and Found whenever Cardinal Bertolli is at his desk.
Three commemorative Nerf brand foam baseball bats with the legend “Vatican Conclave 2013” printed on them.
A “Super Secret Spy Pen” brand video-recording device.
A bottle of cheap Australian port.
A pajama shirt, size adult medium, with little pictures of racing cars on it.
A book entitled How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie.
A large crate of commemorative medals bearing the face of Cardinal Arthur Duncan and the legend “ARTORIUS I PONT MAX MMXIII.”
An elderly German gentleman who gives his name as “Benedict XVI” and remained unclaimed when the last bus left for Fiumicino.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
ANNOUNCEMENT.
To all cardinals: Owing to the successful election, the trust-building exercise previously scheduled for tonight at 10:30 has been canceled. Please return all melodicas, blasting caps, raspberry pies, and climbing tackle to the Athletic Department at your earliest convenience.
ANNOUNCEMENT.
To all cardinals: Please be patient. The cell phones are not being handed out yet. Once the announcement and ceremonies are over, please form a line in alphabetical order, and present your claim check to the Pontifical Curator of Electronics when it is your turn.