Posts by Dr. Boli
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OTHER POLITICAL PARTIES.
In addition to the well-known Democrats and Republicans, a number of other political parties field candidates that sometimes appear on the ballot in your district. Many of these parties did surprisingly well in the recent election.
The Socialist Workers Party believes that the socialist revolution is just around the corner. In the recent election, the Socialist Workers candidate received 3,741 votes, all of them from upper-middle-class Birkenstock-wearing Volvo-driving intellectuals who will be the first against the wall when the socialist revolution comes.
The Libertarian Party believes in liberty of individual action, and in particular in the freedom of wealthy individuals to exploit and enslave the poor. If the poor want freedom, let them inherit a billion dollars like normal hard-working Americans.
The Cheese Party supports a strong dairy industry. Although presidential candidate Mavis Stilton did not appear on any ballot, she received one vote, which according to exit polls was cast by Irma Stilton, her sister.
The Bloc Orégonais promotes Francophone identity in the 1300 block of Reeves Avenue, Portland, Oregon. For some reason as as yet unexplained by political analysts, this party polled more than 13% of the vote in Nebraska.
The Fred Smith Party has vowed to place a man named Fred Smith in the White House by 2024. In 2012, presidential candidate Fred G. Smith received six votes.
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On-the-job training provided for candidates willing to run for President on the Republican ticket in 2016. Our analysts having determined that the candidate nearer the beginning of the alphabet obtains a slight but measurable advantage, the Republican Party is eagerly soliciting applications from anyone named Aaronson. All races, creeds, and genders are encouraged to apply; however, successful candidate will be a wealthy white male of middle age, with own hair intact, belonging to a non-scary and traditionally right-wing Christian denomination, not some freaky formerly polygamous cult. We are making an honest attempt to rectify the mistakes of the recent past and return the party to its core values.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
THE CURSE OF THE GERMANICI.
It is a curious fact of Roman imperial history that, whenever a man named Germanicus seemed poised to assume the purple, he came to a bad end.
Germanicus Julius Caesar, the wildly popular adopted son of Tiberius, died in suspicious circumstances in Asia, probably assassinated on the orders of his own adoptive father. As if that were not bad enough, his son was Caligula and his grandson was Nero.
Marcus Julius Publius Flavius Germanicus took poison when his name was misspelled on the pedestal of a statue erected to him by order of the Senate.
Marcus Flavius Publius Julius Constantinus Germanicus was murdered by his own mother during a heated dispute over the etymology of the word epistasis.
Flavius Julius Marcus Sabbatius Trajanus Frigidarius Germanicus was found strangled to death with the Empress Theodora’s apron strings.
Silvio P. Germanico, “The Last of the Augusti,” declared himself Emperor of the Romans during the celebrations after a victory of A. C. Milan over Perugia, attracting several dozen loudly enthusiastic followers. He was arrested for obstructing traffic and fined 18 euros. He is now employed in the telephone-sales division of a Milanese company that manufactures inferior ballpoint pens for the American 99¢-store market.
DR. BOLI’S PRESS-CLIPPING BUREAU.
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LETTER TO THE EDITOR.
Sir: As we all prepare to vote in this historic election, I hope every one of us will remember one thing: Our current president has actually apologized for America. He has had the effrontery to suggest that Americans in the past may have done things that were wrong. Worse than that, he has even suggested that people in other countries may be almost as good as Americans.
Would you tolerate that kind of behavior even in a six-year-old child? Of course not. If my son Liutpert ever admits to having been wrong about anything, I beat the tar out of him till he says he’s sorry. Then I really lay into him, because I want him to grow up knowing that a real man never apologizes for anything.
Yet our president, the most important person in our country who is not a talk-show radio host, regularly indulges in behavior I wouldn’t tolerate in my own six-year-old son! Nor is that other guy any better. Why, I hear that, only last week, the opposition candidate (I refuse to mention his name) bumped into a voter in Ohio and actually said “Excuse me.” “Excuse me”! Do you want a President of the United States who goes around saying “Excuse me” every time his country accidentally wipes out a city or two in some dirtbag foreign country?
This is why I’m voting Fascist in the 2012 elections, and I urge all right-minded, patriotic, unapologetic American citizens to join me. Or at least get the hell out of my way.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
ON THIS DAY in 1979, Iranian students took over the United States embassy in Tehran and held the occupants hostage for more than a year. This was the beginning of a very successful work-study program in which Iranian students spent their time learning vital life skills in real-world situations rather than memorizing dates and formulas in a drab and sterile classroom.
REMINDER.
In most of the United States of America, tonight is the night when we stop pretending that it is an hour later than it is when we are merely pretending that noon happens at exactly the same time across a wide and jagged vertical stripe drawn down the face of the continent.
In Arizona, tonight is one of two nights a year when patriotic citizens who have avoided the communist conspiracy of Daylight Saving Time feel smugly superior to the pinkos in the rest of the country.