Posts by Dr. Boli
Advertisement.
HELPFUL HOUSEHOLD HINTS.
STACK YOUR CATS for more efficient storage.
If you keep milk in your refrigerator long past its expiration date, you’ll save big money on cottage cheese.
Don’t forget to thank your microwave when your food is done.
Door-to-door salesmen, missionaries, Girl Scouts, etc., have hundreds of uses around the house, and are easily collected with a simple and inexpensive trap door.
It’s easier to stick to your diet if you fill your pantry with food that tastes really bad.
Wall-to-wall carpeting can be made reversible if you build all your rooms in exactly symmetrical shapes.
If you have cockroaches in your kitchen, assign them light chores. Post a little checklist to make sure the work gets done.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
ON THIS DAY in 1871, Mrs. O’Leary’s cow discovered fire. Unfortunately, she was unprepared to handle such advanced technology, setting bovine civilization back hundreds if not thousands of years.
CELEBRITY GOSSIP.
MISS DIANA SMOULDER, the ravishing heartthrob of the hurdy-gurdy, was seen and heard having a lively argument with longtime companion Albert Cardoon, whose matinee-idol good looks catapulted him to Harrisburg as a state representative last year. The subject of their dispute was not immediately known, except that, according to witnesses, Miss Smoulder objected to Rep. Cardoon’s use of the phrase “rusty hinge” in some context.
Eccentric rap artist MC II Kule released a new album called Trapped in a Glass Box last night at the Rex Theater. The album consists entirely of songs in Mr. Kule’s new “Mime Rap” style, in which gestures and facial expressions take the place of lyrics. The album will also be available for download as MP3 files.
Poet and novelist Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle was at a book signing in Monroeville yesterday when the pen slipped out of his fingers, fell on the floor, and rolled right under the table. He said it was the funniest thing he had ever seen in his life, and he ought to write a book about it, humor being the one genre he has not attempted yet.
Twice-divorced reality-TV breakout star Brandy Schnifter is tying the knot again. Her new fiance is currently employed as a department-store mannequin in the men’s department at Rosenbaum’s. Friends say Miss Schnifter has told them that at last she has found the perfect man.
COMMON MISTAKES WITH WINDOWS COMPUTERS.
TECHNICAL-SUPPORT EXPERTS say that most problems they encounter with Windows computers could have been averted if the owners had only avoided these four common mistakes:
1. Not installing anti-virus software. Increasingly sophisticated viruses and other forms of malware can slow your computer to a crawl.
2. Installing anti-virus software. In its never-ending battle with viruses and other forms of malware, increasingly sophisticated anti-virus software can slow your computer to a crawl.
3. Connecting to the Internet. It may be true that the Internet, for other computers, is a wonderland of information and entertainment; but for a Windows computer a more apt comparison would be to a minefield.
4. Pushing the power button. Technical-support experts agree that almost every problem with any Windows computer can be traced back to turning the computer on. Your computer should be stored in a cool, dry place, free from dust, mold, or users.
LIST OF DEMANDS FOR THE ‘OCCUPY GRANT STREET’ MOVEMENT.
CITY AUTHORITIES WERE taken by surprise yesterday when dozens of well-dressed corporate executives marched into the Department of Public Welfare, chained themselves to the filing cabinets, and issued the following list of demands:
Demand one: An end to all “minimum wage” laws and the immediate repeal of all restrictions on employers’ freedoms, notably the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution.
Demand two: Immediate cancellation of all “health insurance,” government health initiatives, welfare programs, food stamps, private charity, etc. Employers must have the freedom to decide which employees are allowed to live.
Demand three: Guaranteed executive bonuses regardless of performance.
Demand four: An end to all free education at all levels. Employees must remain ignorant if they are to remain productive.
Demand five: Free fuel for any Mercedes, Lexus, Rolls Royce, Bentley, Ferrari, Porsche, or other approved automobile (see list attached) manufactured within the past three years.
Demand six: One trillion dollars in “stimulus” grants to large corporations.
Demand seven: One trillion dollars in unmarked bills in the second stall from the left, men’s room, Oliver Plaza Starbucks.
Demand eight: Another big war somewhere.
Demand nine: Doughnuts. Now.
NOW IN PRESS.
Irma-Lou: A Scientific Romance, by Irving Vanderblock-Wheedle. In the prolific Vanderblock-Wheedle’s first work of science fiction, Poplar Hills housewife Irma-Lou must confront and overcome the hopeless ennui of her life in the suburbs of Norfolk, Va., in time to stop a meteor that threatens to destroy the 2300 block of Evergreen Place in Portsmouth, where her Aunt Esther lives. “Sure to please fans of the serial comma!” —Hampton Roads Thursday Advertiser.
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
Arthur, King. Arthurian researchers now believe that Arthur’s Continental adventures were undertaken largely on the advice of Merlin, who coveted the mineral rights of the conquered territories for his mining conglomerate Excalliburton.
OUR VALUED CORRESPONDENTS.
A CORRESPONDENT WHO unaccountably identifies himself by the name of a commercial product writes on the subject of leadership with a message that is either inspirational or terrifying:
You could locate certainly a whole lot of details like that to take into account. Thats a terrific point to bring up. I provide you with the thoughts above as common inspiration but clearly you will locate questions just like the one you bring up exactly exactly where one of the most pretty important point will absolutely be working in honest fantastic faith. I dont know if top practices have emerged around points like that, but I’m certain that your job is clearly identified as a fair game.
The sentiment is very poetically expressed, and Dr. Boli congratulates the author on having nearly freed himself from the tyranny of the apostrophe. Speaking, however, in honest fantastic faith, Dr. Boli is not quite sure how to interpret this message. Is his job really fair game? That might be terrifying if he had a “job,” but he has not had a “job” since the royalties from the letter M freed him from that degrading necessity. Nevertheless, he does hope that top practices, if they have not done so already, will soon emerge around points like that. It’s high time one of the most pretty important point got to work—and that, one might add, in honest fantastic faith. Don’t you agree?
IN THE NEWS.
A MEETING OF the North Hills Squirrel Reduction Task Force at Pine Township Park was interrupted when several participants were hit with spherical projectiles. Although there were no serious injuries, the meeting was hurriedly adjourned and the park evacuated. Police later determined the projectiles to be black walnuts from a nearby tree. As yet neither a suspect nor a motive has been determined in the attacks. A reward is offered for information leading to the arrest and conviction of the unknown assailant.