Posts by Dr. Boli
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
ON THIS DAY in 1317, Philip the Tall was crowned King of France at Rheims. A specially constructed gantry made it possible for the coronation to be performed by the Archbishop of Rheims, Charles the Short.
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ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
ON THIS DAY in 1789, the first presidential election in the United States was held. For the most part the vote went smoothly, although a polling station in Alexandria reported that one Gen. George Washington flew into a rage when he was told that, owing to a peculiar compromise adopted by the Constitutional Convention, he would not be allowed to vote for himself, but only for an “elector” who might be persuaded to vote for him at a future date.
THE WONDERFULL AUTOMATON.
Continuing the narrative that began here.
Part 31.
Letter the Thirty-Eighth:
Sir George Purvis to Miss Amelia Purvis.
My dear Sister,
O that I might—that I might what?—that I might no longer be George Purvis, but another Man, unknown among the Great, and perhaps poor, but free from Dissembling, and that burdensome Pretence, which has become a dreary Obligation, and from which I may well never be freed but by Death; my own Death, or the Death of Doctor Albertus. A Metamorphosis, such as that by which Daphne escaped the unwelcome Embrace of Phoebus, would answer my Purpose: I have come to that Pass, where I see the Attraction of a Life in which the Wants of the Body are supplied by Heaven and Earth, and there can be no Desire, or Confusion, or Despair, but only Existence. In a Word, I have come to such a State, that I had rather be a Tree than a Man; and if I could but find an obliging Deity, to make that Transformation, I believe that I should not hesitate for a Moment.
Honoria continues with us in London:—an Arrangement, which I fear may prove fatal to her Reputation; but Doctor Albertus contradicts me, and would have her stay, and brings the Weight of every Authority in both sacred and prophane Literature against me; and, as Honoria has determined to stay, she finds only Propriety where, I fear, the World at large might question. If it were on my Account alone that she thus exposed herself to the Gossip of the Metropolis, I might find her Folly forgivable;—and of course I do forgive, what I can by no Means prevent;—but every Appearance suggests that it is not my own Presence, but that of Doctor Albertus, which induces her thus to flout the Opinion of the World. I see her at Supper, and now and again at other Times; but I speak very little to her, the guilty Knowledge of my own Deceit weighing heavily upon my Tongue; and she, for her Part, will not leave the Side of the Doctor, lest she miss one of the Gems that fall from his Lips.
In this State of Things I am as much alone for most of the Day as a Traveler shipwrecked on some unpopulated Isle, tho’ I am in the Middle of London: For Doctor Albertus prohibits me from going about my usual Affairs in Town. Did I say prohibits? Nay, he prohibits not, for he has no Power over me, that he might prohibit or command; yet his mere Advice seems impossible to contradict, and his Whims have the Force of Law, because I have not the Stomach to gainsay him. Alone in the Midst of Throngs, I have on more that one Occasion been reduced to making Conversation with Fanny Smith, that cockney Seamstress who impersonates the Automaton. She is a strange Contradiction: Her Silence seems habitual, as if Reticence is natural to her; and when she is silent, her Person is handsome enough that one might easily take her for a Lady of Breeding: Yet let her once open her Mouth, and the Cockney in her at once dissipates any Illusion. Even so she is honest in what little she says, and I do ever and anon perswade myself that an Ounce of her Wisdom is worth a Pound of the Philosophy of Doctor Albertus.
This Life is new to me. Wearied without Exertion, I am an unwilling Idler, whose Idleness exhausts his Strength far more than simple Labor would do: Nor can I say with Certainty, whether Doctor Albertus, or Honoria, is more accountable for this my Retirement. For all that I questioned his Insistence on my Silence with Regard to the true Nature of the Automaton, yet with Doctor Albertus I could speak my Mind: But in Honoria’s Presence I cannot do so, and the only Soul with whom I can speak now is Miss Smith.
Now I take Leave of you, having writ so many Pages, and said nothing;—for in Truth nothing has happened, and perhaps nothing will happen ever again; and yet in that there is at least the Consolation that nothing will change my Regard for you, wherefore I sign myself,
Your constant Brother,
George.
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ADVICE FOR SCREENWRITERS.
No. 1.
IF YOUR PHOTOPLAY includes a wedding reception, it might be hilariously unexpected if the villain of the piece did not pitch face first into the cake.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: I have been very dissatisfied with the year 2011 so far. I realize the year is less than a week old, but I really feel as though I’m entitled to a refund, or at least an exchange for some more suitable year. I have, however, been unable to find a customer-service number anywhere. Do you think you might be able to help me? —Sincerely, Mrs. Humphry Ward, Chartiers City.
Dear Madam: Dr. Boli has made some inquiries on your behalf. Since you have used so little of 2011, the manufacturer has agreed to regard it as in “as-new condition” and to exchange it for another year of your choice. Most of the popular years are already taken, but as of this morning 1842 and 1938 were still available. Return 2011 to the Royal Observatory, Greenwich, England, and specify the year you would like in exchange.
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
Mandolin. Musicologists generally agree that the mandolin is little more than a failed attempt at a banjo.
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DR. BOLI’S NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS.
AT HIS AGE, Dr. Boli no longer finds it practical to make New Year’s resolutions for himself. Instead, he takes the opportunity presented by the celebration of the new year to suggest a number of resolutions for his readers to adopt.
1. You resolve to do something about that thing growing at the bottom of the refrigerator before it learns to use tools and discovers fire. Either get rid of it or domesticate it and assign it certain chores around the house.
2. You resolve to shun anyone who, in spite of repeated warnings, continues to use the phrase “not so much.”
3. You resolve to pay your gravity bill on time every month, since last October’s shutoff was embarrassing and inconvenient.
4. You resolve that you will finally get around to labeling your poison collection, and will find some place to store it other than the spice rack.
5. You resolve to vote whimsically this year, since last year’s careful weighing of the issues did you no good whatsoever.
6. You resolve to make a real effort to be more tolerant of Presbyterians, in spite of the obvious difficulties.
7. You resolve that, the next time you see the word “bandura,” you will immediately and without thinking follow the coded instructions to be found at drboli.com, confident that in doing so you will be making the world a better place.