Posts by Dr. Boli
CELEBRITY GOSSIP.
ACCORDING TO REPORTS in the Real Estate Observer and the American Minerva, eccentric rap artist MC II Kule has purchased a home on Squaw Run Road in Fox Chapel. The transaction was recorded under his real name, Reginald II Kule.
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From DR. BOLI’S ENCYLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
Wayne, Anthony. The Revolutionary War general “Mad” Anthony Wayne earned his nickname at the Battle of Green Spring, when, faced with almost certain disaster against the overwhelmingly superior numbers of Cornwallis’ army, he dressed as a fluffy pink bunny and sang “I’m a Little Teapot” as he hopped straight through enemy lines.
LEGAL NEWS.
IN SUPERIOR COURT today, Mr. Osbert Martinez Gustafson filed suit for “intentional infliction of emotional distress by deliberate and egregious misappropriation of his initials.” Named as defendant is “every teenage girl who has ever sent a text message.”
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From DR. BOLI’S ENCYLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
Webster, Noah. Noah Webster, the noted lexicographer, was originally Balinese; he learned the English language by reading the backs of cereal boxes.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: As a new citizen of the United States, I am eager to assume my duties and privileges as one of the ultimate arbiters of power in a democratic state; that is, I wish to vote in the upcoming elections. However, it seems that my only effective choice is between “Republicans” and “Democrats,” and I find that I have great difficulty in distinguishing the difference. Would you by any chance be able to help? —Sincerely, An Eager but Baffled First-Time Voter.
Dear Sir or Madam: You will find that what divides Democrats from Republicans is primarily the choice of which six impossible things to believe before breakfast. Dr. Boli hopes that this distinction will prove helpful to you in making your choice this November, and congratulates you on your newly minted citizenship.
DR. BOLI’S AGE-DEFYING ELIXIR.
AT THE PRESENT time, Dr. Boli is just a month shy of 227 years old, but he is frequently mistaken for a man half his age. To what does he attribute his youthful vigor? The secret lies in Dr. Boli’s Age-Defying Elixir, the receipt for which is now revealed to the public for the first time.
In a stout mixing bowl, combine
2 cups plain yogurt
1 tsp rose water
1 tsp turbinado sugar
1 tsp Hungarian paprika
Meanwhile, chop and discard
3 heads lettuce
3 heads endive
3 heads celery
3 heads old-fashioned oatmeal
In a small frying pan, roast
1 clay pigeon
until lightly salted.
To the yogurt mixture, add
2 cups confetti (mixed colors)
Stir gently while admiring the clay pigeon; then toss the mixture over the head of a passing prothonotary. When he pursues you, run like the wind. To this program of vigorous exercise Dr. Boli attributes all his much-remarked youth and vitality.
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ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: After watching some old movie serials over the past week, I’ve decided that Emperor of the Universe sounds like the job for me. But how should I go about getting it? —Sincerely, Winthrop M. Sallow, a.k.a. Ming II.
Dear Sir: The universe is quite a responsibility for a young man to deal with. Are you positively certain that you are ready to take it on? Remember that the costs associated with maintaining a working universe are quite high. The expense of keeping up a single galaxy is, for lack of a better word, astronomical. Then you will also have to deal with dark matter, and after a few encounters with it you will realize that no substance has ever better deserved the adjective “pesky.” Perhaps you should work your way up to Emperor of the Universe by easy stages. You might, for example, set your sights on becoming president of your local philatelic society, and then see where that leads.