Reproduced for the purpose of commentary and mocking, and let’s see them try to claim copyright on the word “Continue.”

Puzzled User. I want to do A in Useful App, but I can’t figure it out. I tried X, Y, and Q, in that order, like it says in the help file, but it didn’t work.

Mr. Helpful. Why would anyone want to do A? Nobody needs to do A.

Puzzled User. I want to do A because it is the standard practice in the field for which Useful App was designed. I cannot get my work done unless I can do A. I tried X, Y, and Q, in that order, like it says in the help file, but it didn’t work.

Mr. Helpful. Nobody does A. I’ve been a professional in the field for ten years, and nobody does A.

Puzzled User. Look, it’s a job requirement, okay? If I don’t do A, I get fired. I tried X, Y, and Q, in that order, like it says in the help file, but it didn’t work, and I’m getting frustrated.

Mr. Helpful. Well, I’d change jobs if I were you. But if you really want to do A, here’s how: do X, Y, and Q, in that order. Maybe you should read the help file.

Puzzled User. Forget it. I bought an abacus.

Random Flyby. Useful App works for me.

Cocktail.—A mixed drink consisting of one or more alcoholic beverages combined with flavoring agents of various sorts. So called originally from tasting like something that came out of the back end of a rooster.

Mocktail.—A mixed drink formed on the analogy of a cocktail, but containing no alcohol, invented as a practical joke upon drunkards.

Docktail.—Any mixed drink favored by sailors and served near the docks at a seaport. The best-known is the Captain Jack Rackham Docktail, which consists of rum mixed with a different brand of rum.

Schlocktail.—A cocktail with a name too silly to be mentioned in mixed company.

Hocktail.—A specialty cocktail so expensive that is is necessary to pawn one’s watch or jewels to pay for it.

Groktail.—A strong cocktail that causes the drinker to feel well informed on every subject.

Shocktail.—A mixed drink with an unpleasantly unexpected ingredient, such as brightly colored candy-coated chocolates.

Smocktail.—A mixed drink favored by artists and usually involving absinthe.

Clocktail.—The last drink before closing time.

Dear Dr. Boli: As a new reader, I was wondering whether any of the content on your site would be considered, like, NSFW. —Sincerely, Matt Gaetz, U. S. Representative from, like, Alabama or someplace.

Dear Sir: In Dr. Boli’s opinion, most of the site should be considered not suitable for work for most people, since, when you are reading it, you are not working. This answer does not apply, however, to positions where misinformation is a job requirement. In your specific case, therefore, his answer would be no.

In Long Flat, Indiana, rain is illegal on Memorial Day and Labor Day.

In Twigg, West Virginia, raccoons are prohibited from driving tractors or other farm equipment in school zones during school hours.

An act of the Florida state legislature prohibits physicians from weighing their patients.

In East Aurora, New York, every citizen of military age is required to own an easel, a watercolor paint set, and no fewer than eight paintbrushes in varying sizes.

In Bent Pin, South Carolina, September 28 is legally designated as Be Polite to a Colored Person Day; the law, however, has not been enforced since 1958, when the entire voting population of the town was arrested by the young and eager sheriff.

In Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, residents are required by a town ordinance to maintain a cheerful disposition during the tourist season, under penalty of being declared tourists themselves.

In Cincinnati, it is illegal to speak the name “Cleveland” without spitting.

In Dormont, Pennsylvania, a law prohibited restaurants from serving “weird food, such as Thai or Cajun”; after a number of setbacks in court, however, the law was repealed and replaced by one that requires any restaurant in the borough to serve French fries upon request.

Dear Dr. Boli: My appointments clerk has informed me that today is, by declaration of the United Nations, World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue and Development. I was wondering what I ought to be doing. I tried asking the Secretary General of the United Nations, but it seems U Thant died some time ago, and no one could tell me who replaced him. —Sincerely, P. Hubert Stockswindler, President, Dubious Investments LLC.

Dear Sir: The World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue and Development was instituted to encourage the people of the world to think about cultural diversity as a factor in economic development. On this day, UNESCO encourages everyone to “Do One Thing for Diversity and Inclusion.”

Now, if you were ambitious, you could do more than one thing for diversity and inclusion. But if you can do only one thing, you should obviously order food from a restaurant nearby representing a different culture from your own. Dr. Boli sent his secretary out for Ethiopian food last May 21, and this year he has a generous order prepared for a Peruvian restaurant just a short streetcar ride from the Boli mansion.

If every one of us did this one simple thing, we would be including a diverse selection of foods in our diet, and we would be encouraging dialogue by striking up conversations with the staff and owners at the restaurants, and above all we would encourage development by promoting the proliferation of restaurants in our neighborhoods serving foods from the four corners of the globe. UNESCO is counting on you to try every delicious cuisine within reasonable dining distance from your residence. You may even discover, having celebrated World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue and Development on May 21, that you are in favor of culinary diversity and inclusion every day of the year.

Power gone out? Not to worry! You have a crank-powered radio that can also charge your phone! How much cranking will you have to do? Here’s what the manual says:

How difficult this may be will depend mostly on what kind of measurement is expressed by “RMP/min.” But, at any rate, if your power goes out, now you have a hobby.

Dear Dr. Boli: Could you explain to me where the jars fit in the Masonic conspiracy? —Sincerely, A Pope Who Prefers to Remain Anonymous.

Dear Sir: Dr. Boli is not a Mason. It is against his taste, if not his principles, to belong to any organization whose rituals are so embarrassingly ridiculous that they cannot be divulged to the general public. In this case, however, there is no secret. The Ancient and Accepted Order of Canners is an appendant body of Freemasonry whose members wear a tall squarish glass hat with a metal screw top and the word “Mason” prominently molded in the glass. That these hats can also be used for preserving food is incidental to their main purpose.

TO: All Employees
FROM: The President
RE: Time of Transition

All of us here at the Schenectady Small Arms & Biscuit Co., Inc., have experienced change during our lives. Change is the only constant in life: that was said by a famous philosopher or singer-songwriter or some other sort of intellectual type. How true it is! Though I do not want to be misunderstood as suggesting that philosophers are anything but parasites. Nevertheless, change happens all the time. When I was young, I was small, but now the pants I wore when I was six no longer fit me. Change happened! The milk I put in the refrigerator last month is cottage cheese this month. Change happened! My wife used to be sixty-two years old and brunette, and now she’s twenty-eight years old and blonde. Change happened!

The point is that change happens all the time, and we should embrace change. If you fear change, then when change comes, you will be afraid. I think that goes without saying. In fact, I’m wondering why I said it.

The immediate intent of this memo, therefore, is to inform all employees that your management team will be wearing polo shirts instead of button-down shirts going forward. This transition may be difficult for some of us, and certainly for no one more than for me, since my wife has had to buy polo shirts, and she’s not very bright about sizes. But change happens, and change is necessary, and change is good, and we should not be afraid of it. To aid us in this time of transition, therefore, any employee caught mocking a member of the management team with a polo shirt that is too small for him will be subject to summary dismissal. This will reduce the fear of change in the minds of those whom it is most likely to affect.

With warmest regards,
J. Rutherford Pinckney,
President