Announcer. Tonight the Yohogania Electric Light Company, powering your overindulgent existence, presents a world-premiere dramatic event: the first episode of The Postapocalypticon!

[Music: Dramatic theme, in and under for…]

Announcer. Yes, it’s the much-anticipated post-apocalyptic drama that follows the fortunes of Irv and Ike, proprietors of Irv ’n’ Ike’s Truck Stop ’n’ Souvenir-O-Rama, as they navigate the post-apocalyptic hellscape that their world has become after an apocalyptic event. Tonight’s action-packed world-premiere first episode begins the story right at the beginning.

[Sound: Long, drawn-out apocalyptic blast.]

Irv. Welp, guess that’s about it for civilization.

Ike. Yup.

[Pause.]

Irv. You know what I ain’t gonna miss? Texts. People textin’ me all day and night, makin’ my phone go bing cause they don’t know how to keep their textin’ fingers to theirselves. That’s what I ain’t gonna miss.

[Pause.]

Ike. An’ phone scammers.

Irv. Yeah, like that girl that keeps callin’ and wantin’ me to re-up the extended warranty on my 1978 Volare. Ain’t gonna miss her a-tall.

Ike. “Sealed for your protection.”

Irv. What’s that, Ike?

Ike. I ain’t gonna miss them pill bottles where they have a plastic thing on the outside that says “Sealed for your protection,” an’ it takes like fifteen minutes to get through the dang thing, an’ then you get the cap off an’ there’s another seal on the inside that says “Sealed again cause we just hate you.” Ain’t gonna miss them one little bit.

Irv. Oh, yeah, ain’t gonna miss those. An’ airports.

Ike. What about airports?

Irv. Just airports. Ain’t gonna miss ’em. Ain’t gonna miss Twitter, neither.

Ike. Yeah, like no more havin’ to reduce your most exalted thoughts to the dimensions of a bumper sticker. Didn’t like Twitter, not a bit.

Irv. Facebook, too. Don’t care if I never see another breakup play out on social media for the rest of my natural life.

Ike. An’ printer cartridges. I mean, you print twelve pages in nothin’ but black, an’ then the printer won’t print cause it’s out of magenta. What is up with that?

Irv Auto-Tune. Ain’t gonna miss it. I mean, not every song has to sound like Jimmy Durante, am I right?

[Pause.]

Ike. Ain’t gonna miss Schedule C.

Irv. Oh, yeah, I mean if we’d thought about how it would get rid of tax forms, we mighta pulled the plug on civilization a whole lot sooner.

[Pause.]

Ike. Think there’ll be zombies?

Irv. Prolly just the crawly kind. Don’t have to shift much to get away from them.

[Pause.]

Irv. Well, guess we better start learnin’ to do stuff the old-fashioned way. Pull down one o’ them souvenir country-kitchen recipe books an’ see if there’s a good recipe for Twinkies.

[Music: Dramatic theme, in and under for…]

Announcer. Will Irv and Ike be able to reproduce the authentic spongy texture of a Twinkie with only the materials available to them after an apocalyptic event? Tune in for next week’s action-packed episode of The Postapocalypticon! Till then, friends, remember to enjoy civilization while it lasts. Your Yohogania Electric Light Company burns trainloads of fossil fuels every day to keep the juice flowing in your home. Recent studies show that, at current rates of greenhouse-gas emission, our own tri-state area will become a post-apocalyptic hellscape within a few decades. That’s why you should enjoy your electric power now, while you still have time. Leave your lights blazing and your air conditioner humming, and make your world a cheerier place for however many years you have left.

[Music: In full, then out.]

Dear Mr. Flounder: There’s this guy in my class who, like, really likes me, and I, like, like him and all, but I don’t know if I, like, like him the way he likes me. So, like, what should I do? ——Sincerely, The Girl in the Third Row with the Red Top On, the One with the Little Hearts.

Dear Miss: Atmospheric conditions and unusual sunspot activity are making contact with the higher planes spotty today. In my vision, I see a splendid horse in a meadow of asphodel, or it may be asphalt, and the horse is romping up and down, up and down, as horses do, its mane billowing like an ocean wave, and its tail flying like a banner behind it, longer and longer; and the flowers in the meadow wave as the horse romps past, unless it is a meadow of asphalt, in which case they are probably traffic cones or some such thing; and there seem to be birds twittering, although that could just be interference on the astral waves in the 750-milliliter band; and as the horse romps up and down, up and down, the tail gets longer and longer, and more and more like a banner, until there seem to be letters forming on it, indistinct, but growing more and more distinct as the tail unfurls more and more, until I can just about read what they say, which seems to be something like “Don’t give that creep the time of daj.” I am not sure what that message portends, the last word being unfamiliar to me; and of course it could merely be that interference again; but at any rate please write again if you need more advice, and perhaps the next time the sunspots will not be so aggressive.

Get ready for Windows 0.11, taking cuneiform technology to the next level! Note: Starting in October 1750 b.c., you will no longer be able to use a wedge-shaped stylus to impress marks in wet clay. You will still be able to draw wedge shapes with a pointed stick.

The United States Web surfing team brought home the gold with a record-breaking exhibition of tag-team surfing. The three-member team successfully hit every site in the Internet Archive collection of extinct Geocities personal homepages over the course of one 48-hour session. Silver went to the South African team for glancing at the online menu of every restaurant in Johannesburg, and bronze to the Japanese team for hitting every English Wikipedia article about rodents.

The answers:

(more…)

Popular middlebrow band The Luxurious Socks have wrapped up recording on their pandemic-themed album, Learn to Be Nice. In addition to the title track, the new album will include “Twitter, My Only Friend,” “I Would Do Unto Others if I Could Find Any,” “I Like Canned Beans Now,” and the up-tempo end-of-pandemic anthem “Gazing at Her Navel (Instead of Mine).”

Rap-jazz fusion artist Felonious Thelonious was arrested for an unresolved F7 chord. He was released without charge on presenting proof that the chord would be resolved in his next album.

Miss Diana Smoulder, the ravishing heartthrob of the hurdy-gurdy, has extended her fourth farewell tour for six more months. New stops on the tour include Meddybemps (Maine), Coosawhatchie (South Carolina), Cocked Hat (Delaware), and the parking lot of Herb’s Convenience Store and Beer Palace in Paw Paw (West Virginia). Tickets are already on sale for Miss Smoulder’s fifth farewell tour beginning next year.

British rock legend Sir Jeremy Freakout has announced a new charity initiative in support of the Potted Plant Liberation Front.

Teenie Sparkle, the host of the popular children’s program Sparkle Park, has signed a six-year contract with the Ahoskie Power Saw Manufacturing Company of Ahoskie, North Carolina, which hopes her influence will help promote the use of power saws among the underserved kindergarten and first-grade demographic.

Hi, so this is, like, Conor, with Conor’s Critical, uh, well, I wanted to call this channel something alliterative, but the only thing I could come up with was “Crap,” and I promised my mom I wouldn’t use bad language. So Conor’s Critical Reviews. How’s that?

Today we’re going to be looking at one of my favorite cult movies of the past few years: God Versus the Zombies. Spoiler alert: the zombies are, like, totally outclassed. But you don’t watch one of these classics for the plot, right? I mean, you watch it for the atmosphere. So this movie is like totally soaked with atmosphere. I mean it’s got clouds and everything.

So it starts out and there are these zombies, and they’re like attacking New York, which is actually Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cause you can tell by the skyline, but anyway these zombies are attacking, and all the people are running away from them, and then God shows up and smites them, and all the zombies fall down.

So you think, Well, that’s the end of the movie. Cause, you know, when God kills you, you stay dead, right? But the problem with zombies is they’re already, like, dead. And God doesn’t know what to do with them, cause the point of smiting is that you like die when it happens, and these zombies are already dead. So God is like, what’s up with that? And the zombies are like, gluh gluh brains gluh, and God is like, I’ll smite them again, but they just get up again and they’re all like gluh gluh brains again. So then they—what? Mom, I told you, I’m doing a— But mom, it can wait till I— but— Heck. Guys, I have to take out the trash, so I’m like gonna post this now, and then I’ll do a God Versus the Zombies Part II. See you next time on Conor’s Critical Crap. Oh, heck. I mean Reviews.

If my head were a football, it would be right between the goalposts.

I am a pretty, pretty butterfly.

You must be this tall to sack the quarterback.

Insufficient muscular development. 10 yards.

Well, really.

Ev’rybody do that Footloose Strut.

Illegal ambivalence. 25 yards.

Applause, please.