Posts by Dr. Boli
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ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Is it true that Canada’s constitution requires every song composed within its borders to be written in the key of “A”? —Sincerely, Buele Winkle.
Dear Sir: It is not true. This was one of the amendments to the constitution proposed in the Charlottetown Accords, and it was probably one of the main reasons the popular vote swung against the referendum in Quebec, where it was denounced by the sovereignty movement as a clear example of Anglophone hegemony, and—perhaps the ultimate insult—lower-class Anglophone hegemony at that. The Charlottetown Accords were doomed when former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau gave his famous speech at La Maison du Egg Roll, angrily insisting that “This mess deserves a ‘no,’ eh?” The referendum on the agreement was defeated by Canadian voters, and Canada continues to operate under a constitution cobbled together from acts of the British parliament and regulations of minor local significance, such as bridge tolls.
WORTHLESS GIFTS.
This is not news, because the study was published in 2011; but it was just brought to Dr. Boli’s attention, and therefore he brings it to yours.
A fascinating study of spiders reveals that males are actually willing to engage in deception to obtain the attention they desire from the female. The whole study may be read here, but this is the abstract:
Background
In nuptial gift-giving species, benefits of acquiring a mate may select for male deception by donation of worthless gifts. We investigated the effect of worthless gifts on mating success in the spider Pisaura mirabilis. Males usually offer an insect prey wrapped in silk; however, worthless gifts containing inedible items are reported. We tested male mating success in the following experimental groups: protein enriched fly gift (PG), regular fly gift (FG), worthless gift (WG), or no gift (NG).
Results
Males that offered worthless gifts acquired similar mating success as males offering nutritional gifts, while males with no gift experienced reduced mating success. The results suggest that strong selection on the nuptial gift-giving trait facilitates male deception by donation of worthless gifts. Females terminated matings faster when males offered worthless donations; this demonstrates a cost of deception for the males as shorter matings lead to reduced sperm transfer and thus give the deceiving males a disadvantage in sperm competition.
Conclusion
We propose that the gift wrapping trait allows males to exploit female foraging preference by disguising the gift content thus deceiving females into mating without acquiring direct benefits. Female preference for a genuine prey gift combined with control over mating duration, however, counteracts the male deception.
We can only marvel at the bizarre ways of spiders, and express our thanks to the Creator that human beings stand so far above them on the evolutionary scale. Imagine a gentleman deceiving a lady in that way, and for such a purpose! No wonder spiders make us shudder.
LET’S VISIT CANADA.
Part 6.—What to See in Prince Edward Island.
Prince Edward Island, the 104th-largest island in the world, is the smallest of Canada’s provinces. It is known to history as the birthplace of Canadian confederation, but fiction trumps history by reminding us that the island was also the location of Anne of Green Gables, which is all anybody cares about.
The population of Prince Edward Island is about 140,000, which puts it slightly below Coeur d’Alene (Idaho) but a little above Homosassa Springs (Florida). This is the winter population, however; in the summer, the population is swollen to several times that figure by masses of Anne of Green Gables fans who swarm to the island to buy souvenir keychains featuring their favorite characters from the book.
Aside from the annual stampede of Anne of Green Gables fandom, the primary attraction of Prince Edward Island is red sand. Parks Canada spends millions of loonies every spring dyeing the sand on the beaches in preparation for summer vacation season. Unless there are large storms or international Anne of Green Gables cosplay conventions, the dye job usually lasts well into the autumn; but by spring the beaches are dull buff-colored again. Casual vacationers seldom think how much effort goes into creating a unique aesthetic environment for their amusement.
Prince Edward Island is also known for the world’s most concentrated collection of octagonal wooden church steeples, and you may make of that what you will.
The island is now linked to mainland New Brunswick by a bridge, which in Dr. Boli’s opinion counts as cheating. If Dr. Boli had to get there by boat, then you young whippersnappers with your horseless carriages should have to take a ferry as well. Yes, Dr. Boli is aware that the bridge was allowed to assume the duties of a steam ferry by a constitutional amendment, but this is just one of many ways in which the Canadian constitution is a sloppy affair.
A ONE-SENTENCE SATIRE ON THE NATURE OF GOVERNMENT.
In this otherwise sober and factual Wikipedia article, a clever editor’s dry wit flies low enough to slip under the controversy radar:
Reagan’s economic policies (dubbed “Reaganomics”) and the implementation of the Economic Recovery Tax Act of 1981 called for sharply reduced federal budgets, sharply reduced federal regulation of businesses, and sharp cuts in the federal income tax rates, the latter two of which were partially achieved.
This is not a partisan satire, of course; it is simply in the nature of government that taxes and regulation can be cut but overall spending cannot.
LET’S VISIT CANADA.
Part 5.—What to See in Nova Scotia.
This is the forest primeval. The murmuring pines and the hemlocks,
Thumpity thumpity thumpty thump, thumpty thumpity thumpty.——Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
Nova Scotia is the original home of the Cajuns, who can now be found in southern Louisiana, which just goes to show that you never know about some people.
Annapolis Royal is the site of Port Royal, the original capital of l’Acadie. In 1710, the British conquered the French colony and eventually ejected the French inhabitants in order to give Henry Wadsworth Longfellow something to write about.
Truro is famous for its tidal bore, a wave that rolls up the river as the tide comes in. First-time observers are advised to moderate their expectations by noting that the phenomenon is not called the tidal very exciting.
Halifax is the great metropolis of the Maritime Provinces. If it were moved to the United States, it would be the 125th-largest metropolitan area, ranking above Saginaw (Michigan) and Salisbury (Maryland) but well below Canton (Ohio) or Hickory (North Carolina). Halifax is famous for blowing up during the First World War, when a collision involving a munitions ship leveled much of the city, thus demonstrating that one human error ≅ one atomic bomb. Tourists may be assured, however, that Halifax blows up only once a century or so, so the likelihood of being there when it happens is relatively small.
Peggy’s Cove is a picturesque fishing village, with clapboard houses and a quaint wooden Gothic church, that was created by Hollywood set designers. Stay away from real fishing villages, which usually consist of ranch houses surrounding a smelly corrugated-aluminum processing plant.
Cape Breton Island is a fascinating mixture of breathtaking coastal scenery and dumpy industrial cities, not to be missed by connoisseurs of either. On Cape Breton Island is the Alexander Graham Bell National Historic Site, where Mr. Bell spent his retirement years experimenting with airplanes, high-speed hydrofoils, and anything that would go fast enough or high enough to get him out of earshot of that infernal eternally ringing telephone, which he hated with a passion.
LET’S VISIT CANADA.
Part 4.—What to See in Newfoundland and Labrador.
Newfoundland and Labrador is Canada’s most recent province. It was an independent dominion for a while, but bungled independence so thoroughly that it had to be repossessed by the British government. It did not join Canada until 1949, and even then was not too sure about it.
The capital is St. John’s, which is the oldest city in North America if you discount certain other older cities. St. John’s is a vibrant cultural hub with endless opportunities for entertainment; for example, right now, the entire city is obsessed with a pine warbler.
At the very northern end of Newfoundland is L’Anse aux Meadows, famous as the site of the only thoroughly investigated Viking settlement in North America. You can still see the nutshells and Swedish Fish wrappers left behind by the settlers.
Along the coast of Newfoundland are many picturesque fishing villages, where you can watch the locals engaging in the quaint local tradition of not fishing, celebrated since the collapse of the North Atlantic cod fishery in the late twentieth century.
Labrador is home to Churchill Falls, which at one time was known as one of the most spectacular sights in North America. It was decided, however, that it could be more useful than ornamental; and since the Churchill River was redirected for power generation, the waterfall looks like this:
Quebec has never recognized the border with Labrador as it is currently drawn, and since the alternative border makes Labrador a thin ribbon extending one English mile inland from the high-tide mark (see the map above), you may be able to see Québécois troops massing across the border if you visit Labrador City. What fun!
IN MEMORIAM.
The entire Internet pauses to mourn the passing of one of its favorites, who will forever be remembered as Bacon Cat, and who was gracious enough to keep us entertained for eleven years. If you have not a tear to shed for her, then you have no heart, and you should probably run for Congress.
LET’S VISIT CANADA.
Photograph by W. Lloyd MacKenzie, via Flickr @ http://www.flickr.com/photos/saffron_blaze/
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Part 3.—Canadian Government.
Canada is a federation consisting of nine provinces, three territories, and Quebec, which is an alternate universe in which Montcalm defeated Wolfe. The form of government is a parliamentary democracy, which lasts exactly as long as Queen Elizabeth is in an indulgent mood.
The Head of State is the Queen of Canada, Elizabeth II. She is also Head of State of each of the individual provinces, so she has quite a bit of state-heading to do. Of course, Elizabeth is also Queen of a large number of other countries, which spreads her a bit thin. Canada is actually the largest of her dominions, but we must remember that most of Canada is useless. Approximately 87.2% of the population lives within a hundred miles of the U. S. border; the rest of the country is populated mostly by moose.
The Queen is represented in Canada by a Governor General, whose job is to open sessions of parliament and make sure the Queen gets the hats people send her.
Because Canada is not within easy commuting distance of her house, Queen Elizabeth tends not to pay very much attention to it, which allows Canadian politicians to play at running the country uninterrupted for years at a time. Every once in a while, the Queen notices Canada and squashes its parliament with her parliament-squashing mallet. Then the whole government has to be started over from scratch.
The capital of Canada is Ottawa, a tiny trading post picked by Queen Victoria as a joke. Her deadpan delivery caused her Canadian subjects to take her seriously, however, and they dutifully commenced filling the backwoods trading post with great Gothic stone palaces fit for a queen. Today Ottawa remains a backwoods trading post with Gothic palaces, in tribute to Canada’s beloved Queen Victoria, the Mother of Confederation.
Until recently, the Canadian government was elected by the people to represent their interests. In common with other capitalist democracies, however, Canada has moved to a system in which the government is elected by large corporations to protect themselves from the people.
Visitors to Canada are encouraged to enjoy Canadian government as a spectator sport, but discouraged from participating directly.
LET’S VISIT CANADA.
Part 2.—Entrance Requirements.
Technically, Canada is not the same country as the United States, so if you are a U. S. citizen, you will need to meet certain requirements in order to cross the border:
1. Make sure you have a passport. This is not a Canadian requirement; Canadians generally trust U. S. citizens, and would be happy to let them into the country with a smile and a wave. The United States, however, believes that U. S. citizens are probably terrorists unless they can prove otherwise. You will thus need a passport to get back into the United States, or you will be forced to join the thousands of stateless Americans in the refugee camp for U. S. citizens who forgot their passports, which is currently located on Baffin Island.
2. Make sure your vaccinations are up to date. Canadians are notoriously courteous and hospitable, and no one wants that kind of thing brought back into the United States.
3. Bring a pair of xylophone mallets, for obvious reasons.
4. Did you remember a hat for Queen Elizabeth?
5. To avoid difficulty at the border when re-entering the United States. make sure your skin is not of an unpatriotically dark hue. Also be sure not to profess any obviously anti-American beliefs, such as Islam, Hinduism, Episcopalianism, or global warming.
Note that, if you are a Canadian citizen, there is a high statistical probability that you are already in Canada. It is advisable to check before making further plans to enter the country.