Thanks to the generosity of the Vanderblock-Wheedle Charitable Trust, this week’s concert by the Duck Hollow Philharmonic will be attended by all the mobile patients from the Browns Hill Tuberculosis Sanatorium. The concert will include a special performance of John Cage’s 4’33”.

The Bland Street Merchants’ Association is sponsoring a “Taste of Blandville” event Saturday afternoon. Come in to enjoy all the varied flavors of our community, from the pretzels at Kalkbrenner’s bar to the Twinkies at the Pharm-Aid.

Contemporary worship services at St. Aquila Lutheran Church are discontinued as of next Sunday, because the last two parishioners who remember any of those songs both died of old age last week.

The Vietnam Veterans’ Foundation will be collecting in the neighborhood Wednesday morning. If you have any Vietnam veterans you are no longer using, please leave them out at the curb for pickup by 8 a.m. The Foundation has asked us to remind everyone to mark their donations “Vietnam Veterans’ Foundation,” so that we do not have another mixup with the trash crews like we had last year.

City police have asked citizens to be on the lookout for a white male, 56 years of age, about 5 feet 8 inches, 190 pounds, dark brown hair greying at the temples, last seen wearing a navy-blue suit with a yellow striped tie, and going by the name of Anthony P. Cavatelli. Mr. Cavatelli is the chairman of the city council’s Public Safety Committee, and police would like to speak to him about the benefits-reduction bill his committee recently sent on to the full council.

EVERY SO OFTEN Dr. Boli takes the time to respond to some of his correspondents whose comments he has not been able to publish in the usual way, for one reason or another.

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As Napoleon once observed, from product placement in television dramas and motion pictures to product placement in nineteenth-century adventure novels there is only one step. That is the glory of our capitalist system.

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Does Holy Scripture need to be registered before all its features are available? Has Dr. Boli been using it wrong all these years?

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Aye, laddie, they’ve acquired a wee departure o’ their ain, but ye’re still the identical bore, d’ye ken?

I always avoid you, so I miss you, finally I lost you, that at the moment I miss you so much.

Here Dr. Boli might have said that, if the correspondent misses him, it is the correspondent’s fault for always avoiding him. Dr. Boli would not be entirely honest, however, without confessing that he would avoid this correspondent with equal assiduity.

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Dr. Boli believes that “inwards auditory modality” may be what is otherwise known as tinnitus; but he is not a doctor of medicine, and suggests that his correspondent consult a qualified specialist.

If your life span is 100 years, that I want to live to 100 years of age and the day before, because that my life have you every day.

With great regret Dr. Boli must refuse his correspondent’s flattering proposal, but he hopes that they may remain good friends.

Despite that warning, North Vietnam has increased its military aggression in all these areas, and particularly in louis vuitton online store. After full consultation with the National Security Council, Ambassador Bunker, General Abrams and my other advisors, louis vuitton belt have concluded that the actions of the enemy in the last 10 days clearly endanger the lives of Americans who are in Vietnam now and would constitute an unacceptable risk to lv store who will be there after withdrawal of another 150, 000. To protect our men who are in Vietnam, and to guarantee the continued success of our withdrawal and lv online outlet, I have concluded that the time has come for action.

We have not put forth our cheap soccer cleats for kids on a take-it-or-leave-it basis. We have indicated that we’re willing to discuss the proposals that have been put forth by the other side. We have declared that cheap adidas soccer shoes is negotiable, except the right of the people of South Vietnam to determine their own future.

For some reason Mr. Richard Nixon has been leaving regular comments with Dr. Boli, attempting to sell him shoes and handbags the way he once sold us escalation in Vietnam. In fact he seems not to be able to distinguish the two issues. Dr. Boli wishes him greater success in his new career than he had in the former one.

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It takes a very sensitive nature to be able to empathize so intimately with athletic footwear. Having said that, Dr. Boli really does not know what else to say.

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For some reason this comment had Dr. Boli checking the street in front of the house for unmarked vans.

IT SEEMS TO me that you Englishmen have not yet for a long enough time tried practically universal suffrage to understand its necessary concomitants, as well as do Americans. This is shown, in one respect, by your insisting upon purity of elections and freedom from bribery of electors and of public officials, and the earnestness with which you pursue and punish violations of the same. No institution is necessarily good in itself, and to accomplish the maintenance of civilised society in which brains may secure its rewards, is the true end, the summum bonum of government. Now the Americans, from their long experience in meeting the problems of universal suffrage, have ascertained that the most dangerous persons to put in authority are honest fanatics. Dishonest men may line their own pockets, but are not likely to lean towards extreme measures of radical legislation; there is more money in it for them to sell out. Then, too, there is nothing which discourages reformers in the start like the knowledge that they have to deal with a venal and corrupt gang who under no circumstances will have any real interest in any public measure. A country can prosper and grow great under a corrupt government; witness England of the thirteenth to eighteenth centuries. It cannot prosper under doctrinaires; witness France of the Revolution.

 ——Spencer Jerome in The Idler, Vol. VII (1895).

Dear Dr. Boli: I visited Pittsburgh recently, and I miserably failed in trying to figure out the transit system there. It was not the map, which was explicit enough; it was the question of when to pay my fare. Why is such a simple thing so convoluted? Since I know that Pittsburgh is the capital of your celebrated publishing empire, I thought you might be able to explain it to me. —Sincerely, a puzzled Chicagoan.

Dear Sir or Madam: It is not so terribly convoluted if you remember the simple rules that govern the payment of fares on all Port Authority transit. Inbound, you pay when you get on; outbound, you pay when you get off; unless the route does not go downtown or it is after 7 p.m., in which case you pay when you get on, unless it is a trolley route, in which case you still follow the daytime rules; or unless you are going from one part of downtown to another, in which case you do not pay at all, unless it is after 7 p.m., in which case you pay when you get on a bus, but the subway is still free; and the subway is also free north of the Allegheny, but the buses are not; but the subway is not free south of the Monongahela; and on trolley routes you pay on the car at street-level stops, but at platform-level stations you pay at the fare booth during rush hour or when there is an attendant present, except at the Fallowfield station on the Red Line, which has no fare booth, but otherwise you pay on the car; and on the Duquesne Incline you pay at the bottom station, but on the Monongahela Incline you pay at the top. Just remember these simple rules, and you will never be confused by Pittsburgh transit again.