Posts by Dr. Boli
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You Can Be a Bozar, Too!
BOZAR THE CLOWN invites you to join the Société des Bozars and fight the battle for television-free public spaces.
In many states the aesthetically sensitive can already enjoy a meal or a cup of tea free from the noxious fumes of tobacco. But far more noxious are the endless discordant images that flicker from the television screens that lately seem to dominate every place of public resort.
We grant that television is a tragic addiction, and we yield to no one in our sympathy for its unfortunate victims. But why must the rest of us be prisoners of other people’s filthy habits?
Join the Société des Bozars today and raise your standard against aesthetic pollution. Make a pledge to patronize only establishments with no visible television sets.
Société des Bozars
Foster Street, Lawrenceville
SPORTS NEWS.
IN DESIGNER LEAGUE baseball, the Pittsburgh Paisleys defeated the Roanoke Mauve Sox by a score of 7 to 2. This was the first game in which the Mauve Sox wore their new all-mauve uniforms to match their socks, a change that was widely regarded in sporting circles as being rather gauche. The Paisleys were splendid in their usual burgundy trousers and paisley smoking jackets.
DR. BOLI’S KEYWORD IS DENSER THAN YOURS.
“HELLO WEB ADMIN,” writes a friendly correspondent in a comment on an article from several weeks ago. This correspondent has a bit of advice for Dr. Boli about his “keyword,” and he gets right to the point.
It’s All About the Keyword
“I noticed that your On-Page SEO is not that great, for one you do not use all three H tags in your post, also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization. On-Page SEO means more now than ever since the new Google update: Panda. No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings, You now NEED On-Page SEO. So what is good On-Page SEO?
Where Your Keyword Goes
“First your keyword must appear in the title. Then it must appear in the URL. You have to optimize your keyword and make sure that it has a nice keyword density of 3-5% in your article with relevant LSI (Latent Semantic Indexing). Then you should spread all H1,H2,H3 tags in your article.Your Keyword should appear in your first paragraph and in the last sentence of the page. You should have relevant usage of Bold and italics of your keyword. There should be one internal link to a page on your blog and you should have one image with an alt tag that has your keyword….wait there’s even more Now what if i told you there was a simple WordPress plugin that does all the On-Page SEO, and automatically for you? That’s right AUTOMATICALLY, just watch this 4minute video for more information at…”
Here the correspondent gives a Web address, which Dr. Boli will not repeat. He is sure that his correspondent would hate to have his pristine site flooded with grubby traffic from all over the unwashed Internet.
Dr. Boli’s Own Keyword Density
So Dr. Boli has taken his correspondent’s advice. He has used all three header tags. He has made sure the word “keyword” appears frequently, so that people looking for “keyword” in search engines will know that this article is about the “keyword” and will find the “keyword” information they seek. He has made sure, in fact, to say keyword keyword keyword often enough that keyword searchers will have a keyword hard time missing the keyword “keyword.” This keyword article must certainly be SEO as all get out. Here, for your delight, is an image:
It is a wooden ceremonial headdress from Benin, given to President Lyndon Johnson, and the alt tag is duly set to “Keyword.”
However, as much as Dr. Boli likes to optimize things in general, there comes a time when he must confess that optimizing everyone else’s search engines is a bit wearisome. So he would like to make an agreement with his readers: You, dear readers, will optimize your own search engines from now on, and in return, just this once, Dr. Boli will end this last sentence of the article with the keyword.
POLICE BLOTTER.
THE CITY POLICE would like to thank members of the public for their response to last night’s appeal for information in the serial tip-jar robberies. It now appears that the sketch circulated by police artists was inaccurate. According to multiple witnesses with better eyesight than the previous witnesses, the culprit’s face was concealed by a novelty James Buchanan mask, such as can be purchased at any Halloween costume store. According to a police statement, an arrest has been made in the case. No details have been given, but anonymous police sources report that the suspect is one Tom Vilsack, who lists his occupation as “Secretary of Agriculture.”
POLICE BLOTTER.
POLICE HAVE ISSUED an appeal to the public for information on the whereabouts of a man, approximately seventy years of age, wanted in connection with a series of daring daylight robberies of independent coffeehouses throughout the metropolitan region. According to eyewitness reports, the suspect would enter the establishment, order a pumpkin-pie latte, and then run away with the tip jar while the attendant’s back was turned. So far in 27 such robberies, the culprit has made off with an estimated 83¢ in stolen tips. From witnesses’ reports, police have released the following sketch of the otherwise unknown suspect:
OUR VALUED CORRESPONDENTS.
THE FOLLOWING CORRESPONDENCE, printed here in its entirety, was left as a comment on an article to which it may not, strictly speaking, have been relevant:
However, speaking it… with natives or otherwise, is necessary for your speech to become fluent. ( not stumbling and fumbling for words ), that is reading non essential to verbal fluency.
Dr. Boli offers no remarks, believing that to analyze this perfect little prose poem would be to diminish it.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
ON THIS DAY in 1620, the Mayflower set sail for Virginia. As of this writing, she has still not reached her destination.
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A SONG.
FROM THE COLLECTION “Songs from the Heart and Liver,” published by Elwood Schriek in 1887.
O! Leander! O! Leander!
Oleander blooms for thee;
For this holy oleander
Slowly grows for all to see
By thy grave-site, O! Leander;
Lowly though thy stone may be,
Slowly, holy oleander
Grows into a mighty tree.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
ON THIS DAY in 1752, fiendish Papist plotters stole eleven days that rightfully belonged to the British Empire. For the better part of two centuries, the heroic island of Britain had fought to protect the days from their Continental enemies; but at last, through rank treachery from within, the days were seized and carried off to an unknown location, although persistent rumor has it that they are still being kept in the National Archives. If you have seen or heard anything of September 3-13, 1752, please contact the Royal Society immediately.