Posts by Dr. Boli
ANNOUNCEMENT.
THE VAST INTERNATIONAL Conspiracy to Depopulate the Earth is soliciting proposals from all members.
For years we have attempted to kill off a large part of the world’s population by the most devious and sophisticated means. We have poisoned them with so-called “vaccines.” We have dumped noxious fluoride in their water supply. We have even attempted mass aerial poisonings with chemtrails.
And what has been the result? In spite of all the billions of dollars and incalculable man-hours we have poured into our conspiracy, human life-spans continue to grow longer. Not only have we failed to depopulate the earth, but we are forced to consider the possibility that we have had the opposite effect. It almost seems as though our aggressive programs of vaccination and fluoridation have improved public health!
Frankly, we’re getting a bit desperate here. Right now, we’d be getting better results just by whacking random people on the head with sticks. So, please, if you have any appropriately fiendish ideas, publish them in the usual academic journals, veiling them of course in the usual jargon. The usual lavish rewards will be forthcoming.
TONIGHT AT EIGHT.
Dumont Network: Harsh Words (crime drama). The hit Dumont drama that pairs a by-the-book cop with a cold but beautiful forensic etymologist. Tonight: Anonymous threats written in a clumsy undergraduate attempt at Moeso-Gothic lead Dr. Skeat to suspect that one of her old students has never forgotten his D minus.
The Brimstone Channel: The Jesus Show, with the Reverend Bob-Bob Lee (religion). Tonight: “How Would Jesus Vote?” Detailed instructions for choosing candidates for controller, county council, and registrar of deeds.
Northern Broadcasting System: Quirkville, PA (comedy-drama). The quirky comedy-drama about a quirky small town and the quirky people who live there. Tonight: In the series finale, chain stores buy out all the storefronts on Main Street, and Mayor Quentin Q. Quentin develops a mysterious ailment that makes him act normal.
Metromedia: Al ’n’ Me (comedy). The wacky adventures of best buddies Alexander and Hephaestion as they look for new worlds to conquer. Tonight: “The Corinthians are revolting!” says Hephaestion. “You can say that again!” says Alexander. Will they be able to overcome their fits of giggles before the Persian ambassador arrives?
Golf Network: The Golf Show (golf). Tonight: Our ancestors used to use wooden clubs. Were they morons or what?
Baldwin Borough Community TV: Burgess’ Weekly Address (public affairs). Highlight: List of residents exiled to Brentwood in this week’s purge.
Wolf Broadcasting Corporation: Fries with That (reality). The hot reality show that takes ten new college graduates, puts them in dead-end jobs, and leaves them there forever. Tonight: Derek’s attempt to refill the tape dispenser ends badly.
The Lawnmower Channel: The Vegetable Garden (documentary). How to eliminate common vegetables and other broadleaf weeds with herbicides, preserving the purity of your lawn.
Science Central: Ghost Investigators (documentary). Tonight: Although the show was canceled weeks ago, it still somehow continues to haunt the Science Central network once a week.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
ON THIS DAY in 1813, Commodore Oliver Hazard Perry overcame the British fleet in the Battle of Lake Erie, thus securing for the American side the possession of Detroit. Historians are divided as to whether this event should be counted as a victory or as a defeat.
404,404
SINCE DR. BOLI moved his celebrated Magazine to the World-Wide Web, 404,404 visitors have achieved enlightenment. But this is a mere photon in the darkness: Dr. Boli is ashamed to admit that a large majority of the world remains unenlightened. He will not rest until everyone with an Internet connection and five minutes to waste has had the same opportunity that has doubtless been the making of these 404,404 people. It looks as though his retirement will have to be postponed for a few more years.
ORDER OF CASSIODORUS.
THE PRESERVATION OF literate civilization is a task that calls for heroic effort. The Dark Ages are never more than a generation away; literacy is a fragile blossom that will soon wither when its environment is no longer favorable. Dr. Boli was moved to muse on these matters by the passing of a man he had never met, but one who nevertheless proved a sincere friend to him and to everyone who reads: Mr. Michael S. Hart, who died just two days ago.
It is almost impossible to feel sadness at the loss of one who has accomplished so much in the world; indeed, his life seems to have been deliberately arranged so that the accomplishments would continue when the life itself came to a close. Although he does not normally pronounce on matters of theology, Dr. Boli is certain that, if he were running heaven, Mr. Hart would be sucked up into it like a dust bunny in a Hoover.
Nevertheless, since heaven itself is not in his gift, Dr. Boli has decided to offer the strongest tribute in his power. He has made Mr. Hart the first member of the Order of Cassiodorus, a society of women and men who have made important contributions to the preservation of literate civilization. Dr. Boli hopes to award this honor in the future to others who have made similar contributions. There is no cash prize associated with it, but only the knowledge that one solitary individual on the Internet recognizes that something extraordinary has been accomplished.
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YOUR BLOOD TYPE REVEALS YOUR PERFECT DIET.
By Dr. Adalbert Crumble, Associate Professor of Naturopathic Theology at Duck Hollow University.
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SCIENTISTS WITH MORE letters than you can shake a stick at after their names have determined that your blood type is the key to your dietary requirements. We know by having read it on the Internet somewhere that different blood types evolved at different times, and the circumstances under which they evolved determine which food groups are right for your type.
Type O: The Hunter. This was the first blood type to evolve; before its appearance, early hominids had no blood at all and had to make do with 10W-30 motor oil. Since it evolved when human society was in its primitive hunter-gatherer phase, the Type O personality should eat only things that are found in the woods, such as tree bark and insect larvae.
Type A: The Agrarian. This type dates from the beginning of agriculture about twenty thousand years ago, when men first learned to till the fields. Its ideal food, therefore, is dirt.
Type B: The Nomad. Type B appeared about ten thousand years ago in the nomadic populations of the steppes. Ideally, this type will wander from one cheap takeout to another, never settling on a particular favorite.
Type AB: The Enigma. This type evolved about a thousand years ago, and will truly thrive only on a diet of pure alphabet soup.
Type D: The Barely Passing. No one knows how long this blood type has been around, and, really, does anyone care? If you are Type D, eat whatever you want.
Type ΚΤΛ: The Awesome. This type evolved during a really wild Kappa Tau Lambda fraternity party in 1986. Cold pizza, beer, and individually wrapped snack cakes are the Type ΚΤΛ’s ideal foods, although in an emergency this type can subsist for weeks on instant ramen noodles.
From DR. BOLI’S UNABRIDGED DICTIONARY.
Leader (noun).—Anyone who briefly succeeds in following the mob from the front.
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ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY.
ON THIS DAY in 476, the glorious and magnificent emperor Romulus turned in his crown and went back to his game of marbles. A little more than 324 years later, Pope Leo III finally discovered that the Roman Empire in the West had fallen and did something about it.