Posts by Dr. Boli
THE WONDERFULL AUTOMATON.
Continuing the narrative that began here.
Part 30.
Letter the Thirty-Seventh:
Miss Honoria Wells to Miss Amelia Purvis.
My dear Sister,——
London! ’Tis not Constantinople, with its antient Ruins crusted o’er with the Minarets of the Mussulman Faith; ’tis not thrice-holy Jerusalem, where Knights on Crusade did Battle in old Times; ’tis not unhappy Carthage, or doom’d Cusco of the thousand golden Idols, or fortunate Sevil of the Blossoms, or great Cairo where the Hareem of the Sultan is a City in itself;—it is not one of your great Cities of Romance, where notable Women have accomplished great Deeds, worthy of the pages of M. Scudery;—but O! ’tis a Paradise, to one who, having known only Captivity, is now granted the Freedom of the Town. Nor have I far to go to enjoy that Freedom: For if I but remain here at the Lodgings of Doctor Albertus, the Town comes to me, and I am surrounded, and nigh besieged, by Lords, and Knights, and a Host of Persons of Rank; so that, had I not already made my Choice, I should not fail of attracting an Husband worthy of my Consideration.
I am lodged here in admirable Comfort: For the House which Doctor Albertus has hired in Town is commodious and respectable, tho’ lacking that gothick Romance which attaches to Grimthorne, and lends it a peculiar Attraction not to be found when the house is of more recent Construction.
As I have passed much of my Time in conversation with the eminent Doctor, I cannot forbear recording a few of the great Man’s choice Observations; particularly as George continues reticent, but for occasional Statements which seem to suggest that he has somewhat he would tell me, but hesitates: For which Reason I have preferred the conversation of Doctor Albertus, who hesitates not, but speaks what is in his Mind. Indeed, when George did speak this Evening, it was to express certain Doubts or Reservations as to the Propriety of my lodging here with the Doctor: Doubts which are most certainly groundless, but reflect well on his solicitous Concern for me, and prove him a worthy Choice. That eminent Personage, however, refuted his doubts thus: “It is not (quoth he) against Propriety to offer innocent Hospitality to any Visitor: But, on the Contrary, in all Ages heretofore the greatest Sin against Propriety has always been to refuse Hospitality to a Traveler, whether a Friend or a Stranger. Thus in Homer, and (what is doubtless infinitely more persuasive in this our christian Era) in sacred Scripture, where we find Hospitality the Virtue most cultivated among the Patriarchs; so that Abraham did verily pursue the Angels, so as not to lose the Opportunity of affording them a Feast and a Night’s Lodging;—knowing not that they were Angels, but only supposing them Men like himself. And that many have thus entertained Angels unawares, is a By-word or Proverb, often heard, because doubtless true. But if it be a Duty to entertain the Stranger, on the Grounds that any such Traveler may be an Angel disguised, then how much more obligatory, and how much more delightful, to give Hospitality to one whose angelic Nature is not obscured, but shines brightly every Day; so that Hospitality is not a Duty to be fulfilled, but a Privilege to be sought after?”
Here George interjected some Words, to the Effect that it was not a Question of Hospitality, so much as the Talk of the Town, and the Conclusions, however incorrect, which the Chatterers might draw from the Fact of a Woman, as yet unmarried, lodging with a Man, or rather two Men: To which Doctor Albertus reply’d, “That Virtue is Proof against all Attack; but (quoth he) there is naught proof against Gossip: Wherefore Gossip is to be contemned, and disregarded, as a Thing not worthy of Consideration. For as well might we decide that it shall not rain on Sunday, as that we shall not be talked of, and gossiped about, or even disparaged: But as such Disparagement can in no Wise diminish our true Virtue, or subtract an Iota from the imperishable Record of our Deeds, we must regard it as of no Account.”
To which George objected, “That what may be of no Account as regards our future State, is yet of some Importance in the Present, in that one’s Position in the World depends to no little Degree upon Reputation, which may be diminished by Gossip, tho’ Virtue per se may not be.”
“Then History (quoth Doctor Albertus) must be our Guide, in determining the true Value of a spotless Reputation to a Woman: We must examine the Matter, and see whether ’tis the Case, that History is kinder to Women who have never been Objects of Scandal or Gossip. But when we search the Pages of History for such Women, we find that History remembers them not at all, whether because no Women have ever been above the Reach of Gossip, or because those Women most eminent for their Accomplishments have always attracted Envy. Now, our Miss Wells is a Woman of Accomplishment, as she has shewn by the most abundant Proofs, and therefore will not escape Envy: But to join with Cleopatra, and Elizabeth, and all the notable Women of History, in suffering the Pinpricks of Envy, to earn an imperishable Memory, must surely be regarded as no little Honor. I say not that our Miss Wells shall rule an Empire, for such is not her Lot; but Honor attaches but rarely to Rulers, and more frequently to those, whose Accomplishments are of the Mind: Wherein Miss Wells exceeds to a great Degree the common Atchievements of her Sex.”
To this Argument George made no Answer, and indeed it seems unanswerable. I am sure, however, that it must have pleased him: For one who speaks well of me, must necessarily be speaking well of George, as the Man I have chosen for my Husband; and doubtless he is sensible of the Honor it does him, to be thus attached to a Woman of notable Accomplishments, as the eminent Doctor has remarked.
How much more I have to tell you—of London, of the wise Opinions of Doctor Albertus, of the many great Figures I have met! But these Things must wait: For Sleep calls me, and I may not refuse; ’tis very late. One Thing alone could add to my Happiness; viz, that you, my dear Friend and Sister, could be here with me to share it: Wherefore I am, as always,
Your affectionate Friend,
Honoria.
COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.
She Said She Loved Me. A romantic comedy in which a man and a woman who initially hate each other begin to discover that they’re falling in love. But will their budding romance survive the ninjas who suddenly show up at the 58-minute mark?
Indians & Indians. A Hindu immigrant village in the Old West is menaced by hostile tribes. Meanwhile, half a world away, Native American students at a culinary school in colonial Bombay are menaced by Hindu fundamentalists. Also, for some reason, there are ninjas.
Spare. Can a bowling team filled with comical losers and misfits defeat a gang of ninjas terrorizing the bowling alleys of Camden?
The Ninja. A young man’s accidental exposure to radioactive waste gives him the fabled powers of the ninja, but since he’s already a trained ninja he really doesn’t notice the difference.
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From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.
Turkey. Benjamin Franklin proposed the turkey as the national bird of the United States of America; but, after acrimonious debate in Congress, it was edged out by the plastic lawn flamingo.
From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.

Pepys, Samuel. After much debate, historians are now generally agreed in crediting Samuel Pepys as the inventor of the personal blog.
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ASK DR. BOLI.
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Dear Dr. Boli: The hand sanitizer I just bought says it “kills 99.99% of germs.” But how do they know the germs are dead, rather than just quietly plotting revenge? That’s what I want to know. —Sincerely, A Reader with Very Clean Hands.
Dear Sir or Madam: Conveniently, germs, once they have gone to meet their maker, display a distinctive pattern of pigmentation in their microscopic eyeballs, known to microbiologists as the chiasmus, and resembling the English letter X. It is thus a simple matter for a scientist, or for that matter any hobbyist with a microscope, to determine whether any given germ has indeed kicked the bucket. Obviously, examining ten thousand germs to find the one still living is an unenviable drudgery, but there is nothing difficult about the principle involved.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: The box of matches by the kitchen stove says “KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN” in big capital letters on the side. Why does it say that? —Sincerely, Masaharu Morimoto.
Dear Sir: By longstanding convention, boxes of matches are imprinted with slogans embodying a few sage words of advice or folk wisdom, somewhat after the manner of a Chinese fortune cookie. Thus your matchbox bears the motto “Keep away from children”; another from the same manufacturer might say “Look both ways before crossing” or, appropriately enough, “Don’t play with matches”—all good advice, though hardly astonishing insights. Dr. Boli, for example, learned to keep away from children at a very early age.
NEWS IN BRIEF.
LIGHT-UP NIGHT festivities downtown were marred when an unauthorized polka broke out in the Diamond. Police made more than 140 arrests and confiscated 15 accordions, 7 clarinets, 2 violins, and a double bass. According to a police spokeswoman, authorities suspect that the incident was instigated by the same gang of known troublemakers who were responsible for last Tuesday’s outbreak of synchronized waltzing on the skating rink at PPG Place.
OUR VALUED CORESPONDENTS.
IN RESPONSE TO the letter from an anonymous reader published yesterday, a reader calling himself RepubAnon writes:
Interesting how showing the various methods of ending human life are deemed honorable, while the means of starting human life are deemed disreputable.
Children are often given toy guns and similar devices intended to let them practice ending the lives of other humans – imagine the uproar if they were given toys that encouraged them to practice creating new lives… very odd.
There is some good news on this front. It seems that the Junior Wizard division of Pretorius Scientific Novelties, Inc., will soon be offering the Junior Wizard Genetic Engineering Play Set, including everything your child needs to practice creating new lives on the kitchen counter. The peculiar gap in our children’s education that our reader has identified is at last being addressed, and it is to be hoped that more manufacturers of educational toys will follow this example. Meanwhile, if the Junior Wizard offering is a success, you can look forward to some very artistic new species of Drosophila in your neighborhood.