Posts by Dr. Boli
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From H. ALBERTUS BOLI’S SCIENTIFIC JOURNAL.
“Peer-Reviewed for Your Protection.”
REMARKABLE ADVANCE IN OPTICS.
THE MOST COMMON problem facing tourists and pilgrims of all descriptions may soon be solved to the great satisfaction of all travelers, if the marvelous invention of Dr. Emil von Zeitgeist performs in a manner consistent with early trials.
Dr. von Zeitgeist, an archaeologist by profession, observed that visitors to ancient landmarks were almost invariably disappointed. Having seen illustrations of the sites in books and illustrated magazines, they found that the actual view of the place failed to meet the artistic standards set by those publications.
What could be the source or cause of this disappointment? The scientific training of Dr. von Zeitgeist suggested to him that the answer was to be sought by comparing the illustration to the thing illustrated. At once a significant difference presented itself: the monuments themselves exist in three dimensions, whereas the illustrations of them are rendered in two dimensions.
Having made this observation, Dr. von Zeitgeist at once set about constructing an optical device that would allow the tourist to view the object of his pilgrimage in two dimensions rather than three. The result of his labors is an instrument Dr. von Zeitgeist describes as 2-D Glasses, which enable the user to view any object as if it were a photograph in an illustrated magazine.
The principle of the invention is as simple as it is ingenious. The “glasses” consist of two lenses, of which one is transparent and the other opaque. By blocking the light to one eye, the 2-D Glasses convert the ordinary human stereoscopic vision to a more artistic two-dimensional image.
Dr. von Zeitgeist anticipates a brisk sale of his 2-D Glasses at every tourist landmark, and has already begun selling licenses to the better-known vendors of souvenirs and guidebooks. He is now at work on an improved version in which the transparent lens is treated with a yellowish dye, giving the object viewed the appearance of a sepia engraving.
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INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY.
Trans-Spatial Vacuum Import/Export Corporation.
THE VACUUM IS an essential commodity in the modern industrial economy. It cleans our houses; it fills our incandescent light bulbs; it keeps our packaged food fresh.
Much labor is expended in producing vacuums for home and industrial use. Powerful, inefficient, energy-gobbling motors are employed in the production of vacuums, all because the vacuum does not naturally occur on earth.
Yet space has an abundance, if not a positive superfluity, of vacuum. It has been estimated that, in the infinite vastness of space, there is enough vacuum to clean every house in North America once a day for a year and still have enough left over to fill the infinite vastness of space.
It is therefore little short of astounding that, as yet, no one has attempted to harness this inexhaustible resource and put it to good use. The canny investor will at once see the necessity of success for an enterprise that calls on an inexhaustible supply to meet an insatiable demand.
The TRANS-SPATIAL VACUUM IMPORT/EXPORT CORPORATION has been incorporated to take advantage of this untapped supply of ready profit. By an exceedingly simple process (which, it will be understood, cannot be divulged without losing our competitive advantage), we propose to import vacuum from the limitless reaches of space. The potential of an investment in such an enterprise is, as you can see, incalculable. The sky, to adapt a hoary old saying, is no longer the limit. Send for your free prospectus now, before some other sucker beats you to it.
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WEATHER REPORT.
FATUOUS BANDS OF pseudointellectual drivel will continue to move into the area from the southwest, interacting with the stationary high-pressure system still hovering over the local employment market to create a front of existential despair. Vapidity in the atmosphere may reach dangerous levels, and individuals prone to depression or outbursts of crotchetiness are advised to stay indoors and keep the television turned off. Winds of change may meet chilly conservatism, causing a 65% probability of tempests in local teapots. Increasing cloudiness is advecting across the intellectual landscape, reducing visibility of obvious principles to dangerous levels at times. It will probably rain, too.
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HOW WILL HEALTH-CARE REFORM AFFECT YOU?
YOU WILL NOT die. Your health-insurance company is now obliged to keep you alive forever.
If you have a pre-existing condition, such as asthma or clumsiness, your name will be entered in the Pre-Existing Conditions Registry, and you are eligible for free ice cream.
The Communists who have been living under your bed since 1947 will come out of hiding and ask you whether Fred Allen is still on the radio, confirming all your darkest suspicions at once.
If you cannot afford private health insurance, the government will pay for your health care, but your doctor will be required to treat you with thinly disguised contempt.
Wealthy customers will now be offered the choice of health insurance in several designer colors.
Doctors who own two-seater BMW coupes will be required to trade them in for more sensible four-door BMW sedans.
If you are a health-insurance executive, you will somehow get richer.
DISPATCH POLICE BLOTTER.
MR. ADALBERT BROX was arrested in Shadyside on suspicion of playing the oboe. He was released without charge when investigators confirmed that the instrument in question was in fact an English horn.
Four young Middle-Eastern-looking males were reported shopping in a suspicious manner at the Blandville Foodland on Bland Street. By the time officers arrived at the scene, the youths had made their purchases and gone home. Police are asking members of the public to call with any information about the incident.
Vandals reversed the R and the E on twelve street signs along Centre Avenue in Shadyside some time last night. Police are making inquiries in the English Department at Chatham University.
Miss Elzevira Pockett locked herself out of her 1984 Plymouth Reliant again. Police used C-4 to remove the door on the driver’s side.
The mayor was arrested for violating city youth curfew laws last night. Although he insisted that he was over eighteen years of age, he was not able to produce any identification. He is being held at the Public Safety Building “until this business with the pension fund is worked out,” according to a police spokesman.
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