Posts by Dr. Boli

IN LEGAL NEWS.

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The Brenneman Corporation has filed its response to the class-action lawsuit alleging severe allergic reactions to Brenneman’s All-Natural Hand Soap and Paint-Stripping Liquid. According to the filing, the product is labeled “Hyper-allergenic” in large letters on the front of the package, with an exclamation point; and if purchasers do not know the difference between “hypo” and “hyper,” their ignorance cannot be laid at the feet of the company.

IN ENVIRONMENTAL NEWS.

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In what state officials are calling the worst environmental disaster of the decade, a tank at the Brenneman Corporation’s shampoo works in Acmetonia exploded and released more than 600,000 gallons of “Unscented” scent into the Allegheny River. Reports of piles of dead fish along the shore have come in from as far downstream as Wheeling, West Virginia, and residents of riverside communities note that, even after rotting for several days, the dead fish still smell like nothing.

From DR. BOLI’S ENCYCLOPEDIA OF MISINFORMATION.

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Thanksgiving Number.

This is a turkey.

Cranberry.—The American English word “cranberry” is a corruption of a Massachusett word meaning wouldn’t eat that on a dare.

Gravy.—The Puritans prohibited gravy and all other condiments as pomps of the devil, but a loophole in the laws of the Plymouth colony allowed Christians to consume gravy if it was made by a pagan savage. This was the Pilgrims’ primary motivation for inviting the Indians to dinner. The secondary motivation was that the Indians brought the dinner.

Pumpkin.—The modern pumpkin is the result of centuries of selective breeding with the goal of producing a long-keeping pie-filling storage unit.

Sweet Potatoes.—Potatoes are naturally sweet; the bland white potatoes familiar on our tables today were bred by the English to instill docility in their Irish subjects.

Turkey.—In the wild, stuffing or dressing is the natural food of turkeys, but they lose the hunting instinct when domesticated.

IN ART NEWS.

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After much acrimony, twelve artists whose submissions had previously been accepted were banned from the upcoming “Pink Rules” show at the Duck Hollow Museum of Art. Each artist was to submit a canvas entirely covered in Mexican Pink, but the twelve rebel artists were found to have used Barbie Pink instead. According to a museum spokesperson, this deviation indicated that the artists did not take the theme of the exhibit seriously and were bad people and should be shunned. When the ban was announced yesterday, the twelve artists immediately formed a countermovement under the name “The Pink Secession” and announced a counterexhibit at the Acorn Hill Countermuseum of Counterart. However, the Pink Secession has since split into eight different artistic movements, each championing a different shade of pink, and the counterexhibit has lost its corporate sponsorships.