Posts filed under “Books & Literature”
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: This afternoon at the Foodland checkout counter I happened to see the cover of a certain nationally known television magazine. On it was a picture of two women who are apparently the stars of a popular detective drama, and the headline was True Womance. My instinct tells me there’s something wrong with that headline, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Could you help me, possibly by lending a finger of your own? —Sincerely, An Avid Avoider of Television Detective Dramas.
Dear Sir or Madam: Your instinct has not failed you. The headline should be Twue Womance. Consistency in everything is the hallmark of a well-edited publication.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
From LETTERS FROM A POET OF PARIS.
Translated from Lettres d’un poète parisien, by Udolphe de l’Ennui.
In honor of the upcoming fourth anniversary of his Celebrated Magazine on the World-Wide Web, Dr. Boli is reprinting some of the most notable articles, stories, poems, and advertisements of the past four years.
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My dear L——,
Spring has come, and I feel the gentle breeze wafting through the open window. Petals flutter like pink fairy wings from the apple tree in the garden. How I hate the spring! It is worse than an abomination: it is a commonplace…
Did you imagine that I should be enchanted by your descriptions of the wines of Sauternes, which you call sweet as honey, with all the fruits of the orchard in the scent? Did you imagine that I cared for such things as honey or fruits? All sweetness is a monstrous lie; all fruit is stunningly audacious in its mendacity. Only in bitterness is there truth, because bitterness is the scent of death, and only in death is the truth of life revealed. I sup on wormwood: away with honey, and fruits, and marmalade, especially marmalade. Do not fail to send more of Mlle de V——’s excellent marmalade, so that I may despise it…
The greengrocer is pushing his cart up the street, singing happily to himself. The imbecile! What is it to me if he dances on the bridge at Avignon? I despise dancing, and I despise bridges. Nor do I care much for Avignon… The birds also are singing, and they are imbeciles as well, but they have the good sense not to dance, even on bridges…
The treacherous sun, with cowardly stealth, has inched its way across the sky again, and now floods my chamber with its rays. How it mocks me! It grows stronger little by little every day, while I must grow weaker for my art: weaker and weaker, wasting away. Already I have scarcely the life in me to get up and shut the blind… I lie on my couch, immobile, and I feel I must die; I know it. But send the marmalade anyway, in case I am wrong.
Yours in misery of soul,
Udolphe.
P.S.—Give my love to Mme L—— and all the little L——s.
From DR. BOLI’S UNABRIDGED DICTIONARY.
Archaeology (noun). Also archeology. —1. The science of finding and retrieving objects with mystical powers before the Nazis can get their hands on them. —2. The study of human excrement.
From DR. BOLI’S UNABRIDGED DICTIONARY.
Hilarious (adjective).—Having to do with St. Hilary, patron of custard pies.
FROM THE ILLUSTRATED EDITION.
BUMPER STICKERS AGAIN.
IF YOU WISH to purchase an automobile on which to display these bumper stickers, you may contact Dr. Boli for a list of recommended models. Click on the image to download a PDF version, which may be enlarged to any arbitrary size.
NOW IN PRESS.
Dr. Boli’s Comprehensive Treatise on Human Sexuality for Young Adolescents. Many parents and teachers are understandably concerned about the education of young people in the vitally important area of human sexuality and reproduction. Will our adolescent boys and girls have the information they need to be able to face the multitudinous changes their bodies and minds will endure in the years between childhood and adulthood? Can nothing be done to stem the flood of teenage pregnancies? Dr. Boli responds to this obvious need with a book that teaches abstinence by the only method proved to be effectual. No effort has been spared in giving our young people the most comprehensive introduction to human reproduction available in printed form. In this painstakingly thorough and medically accurate treatise, the entire subject of sexuality is rendered excruciatingly dull, so that, after only a few pages, the little blighters will beg you to teach them algebra instead. After a few weeks of classes using this book as a text, students will never want to think about sex again. Quarto, 1,574 pages, with three illustrations, all of them incomprehensible line drawings with captions in Greek.
EVEN MORE BUMPER STICKERS.
THE INSATIABLE DEMAND for this abbreviated form of literature still surprises Dr. Boli, but he is always happy to accommodate his readers. Click on the image to download a PDF file, which may be enlarged to any arbitrary size.
ASK DR. BOLI.
Dear Dr. Boli: Being awfully inquisitive, I have two matters on which I would like enlightenment. First, could you tell me the deepest, darkest secrets of a certain friend of mine, Phil Briggs? (In case you are not familiar, Phil Brigs is pretty much blonde hair plus energy plus a rare sense of Briggsiness.) Second, what are your thoughts on the morality of napkin-throwing? I am decidedly against such antics. As always, I trust in your benevolence and sagacity. You are to me like the Great Pumpkin to Linus Van Pelt. Thank you so much, Ginevra Boynton.
Dear Madam: Has this Briggs fellow you mention been throwing napkins at you? The ethics of such an act depend entirely on the spirit in which it is received by the victim. If one knows that one’s victims are likely to respond with gay laughter and perhaps a hail of dinner rolls, it is a harmless enough diversion. If, on the other hand, the victims are likely to respond with seething resentment and elaborately plotted revenge, the whole thing degenerates rapidly into something that resembles an amateur college production of a play by Agatha Christie.
As for the first part of your question, Dr. Boli may or may not know certain secrets, but he is not in the habit of revealing what has been entrusted to him in confidence. He has arranged that his memoirs should be published a century after his death, a melancholy but inevitable event that he keeps putting off as long as he has better things to do. He will not say whether your friend’s name appears in the manuscript, but he can warn the world to expect a few stunningly unexpected revelations on the subject of James Buchanan.